|
|
|
- free your
true Self and reduce false-self wounds |
|
False-self
Wound Checklist
31
Traits of
High-nurturance
Families and Groups
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
|
 The Web address of this
two-page checklist is http://sfhelp.org/gwc/2_famtraits.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your brow-ser's
popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
This is one of a
series
of articles on Lesson 1 of 8 in
this Web site - (a) free your
to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and (b)
significant false-self
This is the second of
12 worksheets to help family adults
whether they or someone else is
psychologically wounded (often
ruled by a protective
Honestly assessing for
significant false-self
and committing to reduce them is the
of
that
typical adults - specially parents -
can study to protect
themselves and any descendents against
the widespread lethal [wounds + una-wareness]
This worksheet assumes you're familiar with...
-
the
intro to this site, and
the premises underlying it
-
self-study Lesson 1
-
this recent research summary about the toxic effects
of "risky" (low-nurturance) families
|
+ + +
Was
your childhood
family high in emotional and spiritual nurturance? Did it
work
well (fill ev-eryone's primary
reliably) enough? Could your present family be
significantly
neglectful psycho-logically -
i.e. be low-nurturance? How do you decide? Let's define a high-nurturance
("functional" or
wholistically-healthy) family as one who’s leader/s consistently
and effectively...
want
to fill the daily and ongoing physical, intellectual, spiritual, and psychological
needs of all its members equally, including their own;
and want to...
intentionally nurture and strengthen (vs. deplete and stress)
their family's social and ecological environments over time.
Would you edit this definition?
|
Typical women and men who grew up in low-nurturance childhoods don’t know what a
high-nurturance family looks,
feels, and sounds like. To
us
(GWCs), low family nurturance is normal. If typical adults (like you) are asked "Was your birthfamily (or
childhood) ‘pretty healthy?’" most will say sincerely "Sure!" - when it wasn’t
psychologically or spiritually healthy at all.
|
Many
social-science researchers suggest that
"functional" (high-nurturance) families, schools,
churches, teams, committees, and workplaces have many of the traits below. Did (or
does) yours?
 Checklist
Directions
Print this worksheet,
and choose undistracted time and space to fill it out.
Decide who to rate: your birthfamily, past marriage family,
single-parent family, present household or family, school or class, work group, church
community, or several of these.
Decide specifically who comprises this group: just
those people who live or work together (a) now or (b) in the past, or (c) emotionally-impactful absent members,
too - including living and dead grandparents and/or other relatives, special friends,
and mentors.
Next...
Decide who leads the group in
calm and stressful times. Other members look to them for guidance and
reassurance, and usually follow their decisions.
Pick a time frame: now or in specific earlier (e.g.
childhood) years; then ...
Thoughtfully note this family’s or group’s strengths. Check
each item below that fits well enough in your judgment. If you're unsure about an
item, use "?."
Take your time, note which items give you the strongest
emotional reactions, and consider why... (This item makes me feel
____ because...")
Make notes, underline, or hilight - make this checklist work for you!
Note
that two people can use __ __ this worksheet or you can rate two or more
groups.
If someone else could
benefit from this and/or the other
wound-assessment checklists, print a copy or email them the address of this page
(above) and/or this Lesson-1 link index.
Keep in mind wound-assessment is
about
fault-finding or blaming anyone. It is about discovering what is or was
real. Typical family and group members (and ruling personality
subselves) make the
best choices they're aware of at the time...
If
some of these items don’t merit a clear yes or no
answer, consider using a scale of one to five to indicate the degree of
"trueness" or "falseness."
If you're rating a family
- As I prepare to fill out this checklist,
I'm
aware
of...
- and I believe that
as far as emotional and spiritual
nurturance,
my birthfamily was (check one):
_ very low
nurturance / _ fairly low / _ neither / _ fairly high
/ _ very high
nurturance
Traits 1-
22 of a
High-nurturance Family
If you're rating a group, substitute "group" for "family," and "leader/s" for
"co-parent/s" below.
me/you
__ __ 1)
All
family adults are usually
by their
true Selves or they are committed to admitting and helping each
other reducing any significant false-self
in themselves and each other.
__ __ 2)
Family adults discuss, teach, and live from (model) a thoughtful, shared
family
mission
or vision statement - i.e. they agree on realistic long-range goals for
themselves and their descendents.
__ __ 3)
All family members
feel basically good about themselves
and each other - i.e.
they have high mutual and self respect most of the time.
__ __
4) All members usually feel
safe to
express
and assert their current thoughts, feelings, percep-tions, opinions, and
needs
spontaneously, without fear of being scorned,
ignored, attacked, or shunned. This includes feeling safe to respectfully disagree with
family leaders, supporters, and other members.
__ __ 5)
The
balance between
kids', mates', and whole-family activities is generally satisfying enough
to all members, often enough.
__ __ 6)
Family adults are committed to
learning, modeling, and using effective
thinking, communicating, and
problem-solvinghskills in and between their homes and with other people.
__ __ 7)
Family
problems (unmet and/or conflicting
needs) are discussed
honestly
and promptly, and are usually
resolved, rather than being denied,
ignored, deferred, debated, or endlessly rehashed.
__ __ 8)
Resident co-parents are
clearly and consistently in charge of each family home, without de-pendents feeling
smothered, over-controlled, ignored, or afraid to be themselves. Everyone is clear on who is running the family, and everyone
usually trusts the leader/s' decisions.
__ __ 9)
Each family member has
(a) stable
bonds
with wholistically-healthy
friends (Grown Nurtured Children, or GNCs), and (b) regular satisfying activities outside the family, vs. being socially isolated.
Kids’ and adults’ friends move freely in and out of the family's home, feeling
welcomed, valued, and re-spected by all members; without violating family or
individual privacies and boundaries.
__ __ 10)
All family members usually feel
noticed, valued, and
listened to (vs. agreed with) by each other, even during conflicts and
crises.
__ __ 11)
Children usually trust their
primary caregivers to (a) consistently and genuinely care about their major
needs, fears,
and hurts; and to (b) protect them effectively, vs. minimizing, ignoring, or
increasing needs, fears,
and hurts.
__ __ 12)
Each family child and adult feels safe, appreciated, enjoyed, supported, and
respected (i.e. loved)
unconditionally, enough of the time; (Take your time with this
one!)
__ __ 13)
Kids feel that their caregivers and
siblings are basically happy and secure enough, regardless of
current situational health, work, financial, security, or relationship problems
(unfilled or conflicted needs).
__ __ 14)
Household
rules and consequences
are clear, appropriate, timely, and consistent enough for everybody.
Child discipline
is "firmly flexible," aims to teach vs. punish (cause pain, guilt,
and shame), and is usually enforced consistently, promptly, and
lovingly. Co-parents are usually united in explaining, modeling, and setting
behavioral limits (boundaries), and providing
and enforcing consequences.
__ __ 15)
Adults are often open to
hearing
and considering constructive feedback and new ideas about family functioning from
all family members and knowledgeable others. Even when feeling criticized,
family leaders are
usually able to
to the upset person/s, vs. attack, defend, explain, ignore,
discount, pull
rank, or leave.
__ __ 16)
Genuine (vs. dutiful or
manipulative) praise, appreciation, and encouragement are
spontane-ously exchanged
often among all family members and with others. Adults and
kids are comfortable recei-ving and acknowledging compliments without
discomfort and/or false
modesty.
__ __ 17)
Family
members feel comfortable exchanging
roles (home
and family responsibilities) within their abilities - e.g. kids may plan and make some meals, or various people may do the
laundry, without excessive griping. A basic feeling
of spontaneous (vs. dutiful, political, or fear-based) teamwork and co-operation exists most of the time
in and between family homes.
__ __ 18)
Individual and family
humor, play, and
kidding are spontaneous, have no major hidden agendas or
doule messages and
usually feel balanced enough with serious times.
__ __ 19)
All adults and older kids
take responsibility - and credit - for their own choices and actions, vs.
blaming, mind-reading,
denying feeling
victimized by, or
compulsively "rescuing"
each other.
__ __ 20)
The
welfare and activities of each family member are usually of real interest
and appropriate concern to other members. All members are regularly open to discussion and
confrontation, without smothering (enmeshment). Family
integrity and dignity is highly valued by everyone, and all
members spontaneously feel family commitment, loyalty, and pride
(vs. shame,
scorn, or
indifference), without losing their personal identity, values,
rights, goals, and boundaries.
__ __ 21)
Interpersonal conflict and
confrontations happen spontaneously and real-time. They're gen-erally supportive,
mutually respectful, and constructive, rather than blameful, rageful, shaming, belittling,
or manipulative. Minor kids can safely confront the adults, as well as the
reverse. Such confrontations often result in
empathic listening and effective
problem-solving vs. justifying,
arguing, blaming, explaining, whining, debating, defocusing,
counterattacking, condescending, pretending, withdrawing, or ignoring.
__ __ 22)
There are no major taboos or
family secrets (e.g.
addictions, miscarriages, abortions, deser-tions,
crimes, job losses, incest, bankruptcies,
illnesses,
affairs,...) about the
current family or rel-atives or ancestors. There is no rule that says "We
don't talk about that in our family."
Me/You
__ __ 23) All members - specially
kids
- are encouraged to acknowledge and
grieve their
physical and invisible
losses, without impatience, shame, guilt, or anxiety.
Members
are consistently comfortable with talking honestly about their losses; openly crying when
sad or joyous; sharing despair, when felt; and showing
anger (within ap-propriate limits)
at each other, other people, or "life."
Knowledgeable observers would say
the family lives by a coherent, healthy
__ __ 24) The adult
caregivers value
and actively
promote
spiritual growth in themselves, each other, and younger
members. Shared
and private spiritual and religious activities consistently yield warmth,
serenity, tol-erance, hope,
compassion, courage, and closeness, vs.
shame, guilt, anxiety, dread,
scorn, bigotry, elitism, and/or confusion.
__ __ 25)
Family members
spontaneously express their
love and affection physically, within healthy sexual limits. Adult
sexuality is private, loving, and mutually enjoyed. The caregivers consistently and
sensitively guide kids to understand, accept, and appreciate their own
gender,
sensuality, and sexuality within age, family, and societal norms.
They do this without excessive
excitement, shame or guilt. All members usually feel comfortable enough
to
discuss sexual issues with each other.
__ __ 26)
Family mates
prize and maintain their
identities and
personal
boundaries
as individuals and as committed, loving
couples. They
(a) consistently rank their relationship
second only only to personal
integrity and
wholistic health, and (b) try to
balance and enjoy time with the kids, with
each other, with
relatives and friends, their
jobs,
and by themselves. Co-parents consistently take their
primary relationship and
co-parenting
as separate,
high-priority concerns - each warranting significant time, thought, integrity,
and commitment.
__ __ 27) All members typically
disclose most
mistakes, disappointments, and "failures" to each other without undue
anxiety, shame, or embarrassment
(public shame). Most mistakes are viewed as chances to
learn,
rather than as personal flaws. Adults and kids can often laugh at themselves
appreciatively, vs. with excess guilt, shame, or embarrassment.
__ __ 28) All
family members are
generally positive
and optimistic: each usually feels that...
-
most people are basically good and trustworthy, and mean well;
-
life problems may
usually be resolved with time and patient, honest effort; and...
- it's usually OK to ask for help from others and a Higher
Power, without guilt, shame, or anxiety;
__ __ 29)
No one in the family is probably or surely
addicted to, or regularly over-uses:
|
_
street ("hard") or prescription drugs
_
TV, sports, computers, or other hobby
_
real or media sex
_
special relationships (codependence)
_
fitness, exercise, and health
_
work, studying, or "busy-ness"
_
rage or another emotion
_
acquiring, spending, counting, gambling, investing, or saving money or other
assets |
_
food (e.g. sugar and fat) and/or eating
_ alcohol, and/or illegal drugs
_
caffeine and/or nicotine
_
conflict or excitement
_
God, worship, or spirituality
_
cleaning and neatness
_
power and control
_
"fairness," "justice," or
a social cause |
__ __ 30) The family
leader/s agree enough on a clear and consistent set of realistic
long-term goals for the group, and willingly share
responsibility for seeking to achieve them, over time.
__ __ 31) Each
co-parent's own birthfamily
had most (e.g. over 20) of the characteristics above.
__ __ 32) (Add your
own trait)
__ __ 33) (Add your
own trait)
+ + +
Worksheet "Scoring" and Options
Only a rare family
or group would have all 31 of these traits all the time.
The more of these traits a
family or group has consistently, the higher it's
nurturance level and wholistic health. Conversely,
the fewer of these characteristics in a given family, classroom, church, or work group,
the lower the wholistic nur-turance it
provides - i.e. the harder it is
for some or most members to get their psychological, intellectual, social,
and spiritual primary needs met
well enough, often enough.
Low-nurturance families may be described as
shame-baed, because most members unconsciously or
secretly feel they're basically flawed, damaged, incompetent, worthless, or
"bad" people. Until devoted to personal
recovery, such people will usually minimize or deny that their family had
few of these high-nurtur-ance traits, though knowledgeable friends or
professionals would compassionately disagree.
If you rated your childhood
birthfamily...
-
Note the specific traits you checked, and decide whether you promoted
them in your marriage family, if any;
-
Consider discussing your conclusions with any siblings and/or relatives
for added perspective;
-
Consider discussing these traits with your surviving childhood
caregivers with thanks;
-
Reflect on and/or discuss with relevant others the effects
those items not checked have had on (a) you, (b) your choice of
primary
partner/s if any, and your (c) relationship and (d) parenting successes,
frustrations, and disappointments.
If
you rated your prior-marriage family...
-
Note all the
traits checked, and congratulate your personality subselves
and your former mate!;
-
Consider discussing the worksheet with your
ex-mate and/or (older) children for their awareness, input, and mutual insights;
-
Use the results and
this worksheet to increase
your awareness of any significant unfinished divorce issues;
-
With these traits in mind,
review these worksheets on typical minor kids'
developmental and
adjustment needs - and note any insights about your or others' kids'
needs and behaviors; or...
-
Consider the likely effects on your child/ren
and descendents of those items not
checked, and discuss this with your "ex" or relevant others;
-
Use the latter as guidelines in setting current
co-parenting
and counseling goals to strengthen and heal your child/ren.
If you rated your present re/marriage or step/family...
-
Congratulate your
subselves, present partner, and grandparenting
adult/s on the traits you checked!;
-
Use those traits not checked as guidelines for revising family
or parenting behaviors, priorities, or therapy goals;
- Rate your and your partner's respective childhood families,
compare and contrast, and discuss patterns and implications.
If you rated your prior or present
mate's family...
Recall the premise here that typical wounded, unaware adults (i.e. their
dominant subselves) unconsciously tend to recreate their childhood-family's
nurturance level, despite conscious vows not to. If blanks outnumber checks (strengths)...
-
Reflect on
why you
chose this partner,
-
Consider compassionately assessing you
and your partner for significant false-self wounds, and if you find
some, read and discuss this article; and...
-
Discuss this with knowledgeable and caring others, perhaps
including a
qualified
counselor for added insight.
If you rated your work, church, school, or other group...
Substitute "group" for family, and "leader/s" for "caregivers,
parents, and adults" in the above items. Most traits apply fully to the nurturance level of any group of people important to you or another.
One option is to individually assess the
elementary and high schools you spent almost one third of your childhood days
in. Another option is to rate the influence of any church/es you attended as
a developing child. Their psychological and perhaps
spiritual influence
significantly shaped your personality subselves, specially if it
amplified the influence of your home/s!
See this
worksheet for more perspective.
Are You Often Controlled by a False
Self?
To estimate whether you or another is significantly
thoughtfully
fill out the other 11 self-assessment checklists in
Lesson 1.
The
number of checklists is meant to reduce the chance your diligent false self
will give you a false reading. If...
-
Your or their
birthfamily had few high-nurturance checks here, and...
-
You find that ~20 or more of these
false-self traits seem to fit you, and/or that...
-
Many of these
ancestral traits seem to fit well, and/or...
-
Few of the adjectives describing
high-nurturance group members' attitudes fit you and your family, and/or...
-
"A lot" of the symptoms for
excessive shame and guilt,
fear, dis/trust, reality
distortions, and
bonding disorders seem to fit you,
and/or...
-
You have many of these traits of
or other
(29 above); and...
-
You're repeatedly drawn to (a)
partners who have many of these characteristics, and (b) low-nurturance
work and social environments...
|
... then you’re probably
significantly
and dominated by a well-meaning
(vs. "crazy"), and you're
probably in protective denial of this. This
also applies if you’re rating a past or present roman-tic
partner, or a parent. |
If you
conclude you
significantly wounded, you can markedly improve the quality of your life over time by
evolving and working a personal
(healing) program.
This is most likely after you have hit
- often in mid-life.
Psychological wounding is so
common in our country that most bookstores
now have specific sections devoted to "Adult-Child ("Grown Wounded
Child" here) Recov-ery."
The
guidebook for inner-wound discovery and recovery is "Who's
Really Running Your Life?" (xlibris.com, 2002, 2nd
ed.).
It integrates the key Lesson-1 Web articles and worksheets
here.
Consider using some version of these
31 factors as input to
making and using a
mission statement and co-parenting
job descriptions for your
home and family (Lesson 5).
+ + +
Now that I’ve done this worksheet, I
feel...
and I believe that as far as
psychological and spiritual
nurturance,
my birthfamily was (check one):
_ very low
nurturance / _ fairly low / _ neither
/ _ fairly high / _ very high
nurturance
and that this has had
_ very
growthful / _ very harmful / _ no significant effects on me as a
unique person / partner / parent.
Thoughts / Notes
…
Recap
This is one of a dozen Lesson-1 worksheets to help assess whether you or
someone else is often ruled by a false self
This worksheet is based on the observable reality that significantly-woun-ded
adults were raised in a low-nurturance environment, and later tend to
(a) choose wounded partners and (b) co-create a low-nurturance family of
their own
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
Previous page /
Lesson-1 links
site intro /
course overview
/
site search
/
definitions
/
chat /
contact
/
Updated
August 30, 2010
|
