The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds.htm
This is one of a series
of articles in Lesson 1 in
this Web site - free your
to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and
significant psychological wounds.
This article uses informational pop-ups, so
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This article
assumes you're familiar with...
-
the intro to this Web
site, and the premises underlying it.
-
these ideas about normal
personalities
-
these Q&A
items about personality subselves
-
this
comparison of true Self and false self behavioral
traits, and...
-
the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle that is spreading in
our society,
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This YouTube clip previews what you'll find in this article:
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Premise
- children raised in
families survive (vs. thrive) by developing an unseen, pro-tective
which dominates their
personality and
behavior. Depending on many
factors, false selves cause up to five more psychological injuries. This
article summarizes these six widespread wounds.
This summary
comes
from 19 years' effort to heal my own wounds
and to empower many troubled therapy clients to do the same. The
premise above is
based on the teachings
of several dozen veteran mental-health
professionals whose works I've studied, and who's knowledge, heart, and clear vision
I’ve come to respect and trust.
Each wound has unmistakable behavioral symptoms. Since I learned to look for
them, I've seen significant wound-symptoms in over 80% of the many hundreds
of average students and therapy clients I've worked with since 1981. I've
also seen symptoms in many of my professional human-service colleagues.
Not one person could name these six wounds
or describe what they
These wounds amplify each other.
Without informed intervention, they pass on to the next generation.
Six Psychological Wounds
1) Living from a
This wound causes all five
other wounds. Positron Emission Tomography (PET) brain-scans
suggest that normal personalities are composed of a group of
semi-independent subselves or parts (brain regions). Each
sub-self has unique talents, limitations, and goals.
When upset personality parts don't know or trust the resi-dent
true Self (capital "S"), they
like disgruntled rookies
overpowering the coach and trying to lead a professional sports team.
This results in the loss of the Self's leadership,
vision, talents,
and wisdom, and causes impulsive, unwise short-term decisions. People
by a false self most of
their lives aren't aware of it, and accept
false-self behavioral symptoms
as normal.
When your true Self is in charge, you'll typically feel a mix of calm,
centered, grounded, "light," alive, alert, aware, "up," focused,
purposeful, compassionate, strong, resilient, confident, and realistically
optimistic - even in conflict or uproar.
False-self dominance promotes some or all of five
other psychological wounds. Links in bold will take you to more detail on
each wound:
2)
Excessive
(vs. normal)
A clear symptom of this excessive shame is the unshakable belief that "I'm totally worthless and unlovable, no matter what anyone
says!" Other common symptoms include "negative
routine self-abuse and
self-neglect, rigid denials, harsh self-criticism, compulsive apologizing, inability to accept
merited praise and love, and many others.
Normal guilts are healthy regulators of our behaviors. Excessive
cause relentless
self-criticism for breaking important rules [should (not)s, ought (not)s,
have-to's, musts, and cant's]. Excessive guilts breed excessive shame.
Guilt and shame feel the same, but are caused and managed
differently.
Another common false-self wound is...
3)
Excessive ("irrational")
of criticism, rejections, abandonment,
the unknown, failure (in someone's view), success, and/or intense emotions
(e.g. confusion, overwhelm, intimacy, and interpersonal conflict.
Typical symptoms: compulsive
worrying, chronic hesitance, doubt, and timidity, excessive caution,
difficulty making decisions, relationship
addiction, (codependence) or
exces-sive independence and social isolation
("distancing"). See this brief
research summary of common health risks of excessive
anxiety.
4)
a reflexive reluctance to trust safe people,
ambivalence ("I trust you but I don't"), or repeatedly overtrusting
abusive, self-centered, or hurtful people, despite painful
betrayals. Another symptom of this
fourth wound is
persistent self-distrust: constantly doubting or
"second-guessing" your own feelings, thoughts, perceptions, opinions, and needs.
Another sign of this wound is skepticism or rejection of a benign,
accessible Higher Power.
Starting in infancy, distrusts are learned from pain, fears,
and ...
5)
Typical
adults and kids ruled by a false self (a) perceive things that don't
exist ("I know you're going to have an
affair and leave
me!"), and (b) don't admit or perceive things that are there ("I am
not addicted to sugar!") Common language for
this false-self injury is assuming, repressing, illusions, delusions, projecting,
minimizing, exaggerating, idealizing, paranoia, neuroses,
catastrophizing, and denial.
One of many symptoms of this widespread
wound is denial
of ...
-
these wounds ("I'm
not 'ruled by a false self,' and I sure don't have these so-called wounds!");
-
the
of these wounds ("I don't have
too many of these symptoms"), and ...
- the wounds' origin ("My childhood
was normal and fine!")
A disabled true Self and
excessive shame + guilts + fears + distortions + distrusts promote...
6) Difficulty
with
(emotionally-spiritually attaching to) one's self, some or
all other people, and/or
a benign Higher Power. Typical symptoms:
-
relentless senses of
alienation,
disconnection, emptiness, and aloneness that have been
called a "hole in the soul";
-
chronic social
isolation or
consistently superficial relationships;
-
chronic
depression or frantic busy-ness
("type-A behavior");
-
one or more of the four
types of addiction;
-
a series of
approach-avoid relationships and/or divorces,
-
vehement or passive
atheism or spiritual indifference; and ...
-
partners and children not feeling
loved by the wounded person, despite
sincere assurances.
+ + +
Are
you wondering if you or someone you care about could have some of these
psychological wounds? See this comparison for an
initial idea.
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Premise - most personal, family, and social "problems" exist
because of these epidemic psychological wounds and
public unawareness of them.
Once adults like you are aware of these wounds and their
effects, you can avoid passing
them on to your descendents.
This nonprofit Web site offers a flexible, practical way to do this
- see Lesson 8.
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From
31 years'
study and personal experience, I propose that significant false-self wounding
is one of
that many (most?) primary relationships fail psychologically or legally. self-improvement
in this
nonprofit Web site is about
assessing for these wounds and
reducing them over time by intentionally
harmonizing personality subselves. See these questions and answers on
personality subselves and psychological wounds for more
perspective.
The guidebook for
Lesson 1 is
Who's Really Running Your Life? (Xlibris.com, 2011,
4th ed.) It integrates the key articles and
worksheets in this site, and gives more detail
on these wounds, their typical
how to assess for and
greatly reduce them over time, and how to choose higher-nurturance
environments and
relationships.
If you have an earlier edition of this book, see this
.
