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Regardless of their reasons for divorcing, many parents have trouble creating, using, and maintain-ing effective parenting agreements. Major
conflicts are specially likely when one or both ex mates commit
to a new partner (a stepparent) who has her or his own ideas about effective child
nurturance.
This article for divorcing and stepfamily adults...
-
Defines an effective
parenting agreement;
-
Gives an example of a real couple
conflicted over an agreement;
-
Summarizes a group of common surface
parenting-agreement problems
-
Proposes four core real problems,
and...
-
Suggests what all family adults can do to
make an effective parenting agreement without resorting to costly
legal intervention.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
What is an Effective
Parenting Agreement?
All separated and divorcing parents who actively nurture their minor kids
need to negotiate ongoing decisions about child custody, visitations,
holidays, schooling, health, diet, clothing, pets, vacations, fi-nancial
support, housing, socializing, religion, hobbies, and special events. Depending on many factors, some
couples can negotiate and implement these cooperatively and others can't.
The purposes of an informal or legal parenting agreement are to...
-
ensure that all dependent kids get their
developmental and special needs met consistently despite parental
separation and differences, and to help family adults...
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provide a
environment for their multi-home family system.
Agreements that fulfill both goals - as judged by all family members - are
effective. By definition, parenting agreements that require
legal intervention are not effective.
Example
A
Mom and Dad who consulted me by court order had been at a bitter
for over a year. The non-custodial Dad angrily accused his
ex wife of arrogantly refusing to "obey" the parenting agreement they signed
in court and dictating how and when he was able to contact their five-year-old
daughter.
She accused
him of being "self-centered, intrusive, out of control, stuck, way too rigid
in interpreting the parenting agreement, and using it to 'force me' to do
things that don't fit our current circumstances" She claimed he was
doing this to punish her for divorcing him.
She got the court to issue two orders of protection against him for alleged
threats of visitation-rela-ted violence to her. These enraged him as "totally
unjustified and insulting," and were later each vacated. Her attorney got
the court to order her ex to attend an "anger management class," which he
did at his own expense. He says "It was worthless," though admitting "I've
probably said some things (in anger) to her that I shouldn't have."
These troubled, unaware parents were
using the court to force each the other
into compliance - which is inherently aggressive and disrespectful. They each claimed
vehemently there
was no alternative, and their legal battle was solely the other parent's fault.
Their prior marital injuries and the new ones from suing each other will
take years to heal, and hin-der each of them in trying to forge a healthy
relationship with a new partner. Their vulnerable little daugh-ter is the
tragic victim of this complex scenario, just as each parent was victimized
as a vulnerable
in a
family.
The court has ordered them to make visitation exchanges at a local police
station, to minimize the chance of mutual outbursts. The father bitterly
complains that his ex and their lawyers have cost him $25,000 on top of
their divorce settlement, so that he is now "broke" and "on anti-depression
medication."
In my compassionate opinion, these (typical) parents each
genuinely love their daughter, and are relentlessly accumulating
for the core reasons outlined below. Neither they, their several attor-neys
(including a Guardian ad Litem (GAL) representing the little girl) or the
presiding domestic-court judge know these reasons or what to do about them.
Since 1981, I've worked with hundreds of divorcing families and stepfamilies
like this who described insoluble disputes about co-parenting agreements as their
"biggest problem." Many of them resorted to hiring lawyers to try and
force the other co-parent/s into compliance - inevitably making the stress
in and between their homes worse. None of these parents or legal
professionals knew what the real problems were or how to resolve
them.
This article summarizes what I've learned
about such conflicts, and suggests how to avoid or reduce
disputes over "parenting agreements." Let's begin by examining...
What
are
the Surface Problems?
Parents who have trouble negotiating and/or following child-related
agreements may choose to use lawyers, judges, and mediators to forge a legal
parenting agreement. More often than not, this becomes a costly adversarial
process which increases frustration and hostility between all people
involved, including vocal kids. This is specially true if one or both
parents claim the other is violating the legal agreement, and seeks to force
compliance via court actions.
Typical surface problems include...
-
attacking each other for being
irresponsible, selfish, manipulative, hostile, uncaring, dishonest,
abusive, undependable, uncooperative, etc.
-
one or both parents refusing to compromise
on certain child-related conflicts;
-
arguing over unfinished marital and divorce
complaints and accusations;
-
relatives taking sides about parental
disputes, specially grandparents;
-
family members blaming lawyers for being
unfair, biased, and over-aggressive;
-
one parent demanding that the court force
the other to get a psychological evaluation to "prove" they're "mentally
ill;"
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blaming a court-appointed mediator for being
incompetent, unfair, or biased;
-
arguing about a custodial parent moving the
child geographically;
-
withholding child
visitations and/or financial support as a punishment or a strategy;
-
requiring a child to side with or choose one
parent over the other;
-
fighting over a stepparent's role or actions
or
Variations on these stressors
are endless. Often parents battle over several or many of these at once.
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NONE of these
parenting-agreement conflicts are the real problems.
As long as the parents and any legal professionals focus on trying
to resolve them permanently, they will probably fail - and hurt the
child/ren in the process.
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Four
Real Problems
If you've studied the prior
in this Web site, you should be able to identify the real rea-sons
typical couples divorce, and can't negotiate and implement an effective
parenting agreement by themselves:
1) Wounds -
One or both parents are psychologically
and don't (want to) know or admit that (Lesson 1); and...
2) Unawareness
- One or both parents don't know how to...
-
communicate and problem-solve effectively;
(Lesson 2);
-
help each other grieve divorce-related (and
other) losses effectively (Lesson 3);
-
co-create a high-nurturance family (Lessons
4 and 5); or how to...
-
parent effectively (Lesson 6).
These two factors combine to cause typical
relationship
between ex mates (and others).
Finally, average divorcing parents and any new partners are
usually unaware of...
3) Minor kids have
been raised in a
environment, and may have begun showing symptoms of their own psychological
wounds; and...
4) Other adults who
try to resolve the surface issues above (like relatives, lawyers, mediators,
social workers, and therapists) don't understand these three root problems.
They focus fruitlessly on the surface issues, which inevitably causes
more conflicts.
When I proposed these four real problems to the couple in the example
above - and assured them they could resolve their version of the problems
if they tried - they quit therapy. They were each controlled by a protective
false self which wasn't ready to give up control and needed to win.
This lose-lose-lose position guaranteed that their vulnerable little daughter would become a
(GWC) who would
probably pass on the [wounds and unawareness] cycle to
the next generation.
Implications
|
Significant conflicts over informal or legal parenting agreements between ex
mates can be pre-vented if family adults study and apply
in this nonprofit Web site. Many divor-cing couples are unable or unwilling
to do this because they are (a) unaware of these Lessons, and (b) are
dominated by a short-sighted, combative
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Parents who expect the legal system to resolve their disagreements are
seldom satisfied, because (a) typical legal professionals (including judges)
are wounded and unaware of what you're reading here, and (b) the adversarial
court process always creates new conflicts - e.g. over legal
expenses and dispu-ted rulings.
If you are a divorcing-family or stepfamily adult affected by a significant
fight over a parenting agree-ment, and you don't study, apply, and advocate
Lessons 1 thru 6 or 7 to the disputants and their suppor-ters,
you become part of the problem.
The young people in your family and their descendents mutely depend on
all you adults to protect them against inheriting the lethal [wounds +
unawareness] cycle!
To see if any of your family adults are controlled by a false self now, see
this and
this. To see if any of you are unaware, take and discuss these
Recap
This Lesson-6 article defines an effective parenting agreement, and
gives an example of a real couple fighting over a parenting agreement. It
outlines common surface problems that hinder effective parenting agreements
between divorcing parents, and proposes four underlying real problems
springing from adults' psychological
and unawareness of this
lethal
and the topics in this
This implies that divorcing-family adults should take, discuss, and apply
this course to (a) minimize parenting and other conflicts, and
(b) protect their young people from
inheriting the cycle and passing it on.
For more perspective, see this related article on reducing
ex mates' hostility - including the controversial
"parental alienation syndrome" (PAS). Otherwise, continue studying
Les-son 6.
