• site intro > course outline > Lesson 6 study guide or links > site search, chat, or other page > here

The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/parent.htm

        Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site. If your browser doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.

        This YouTube clip highlights what you'll read in this article:

        This is one of a series of articles on effective parenting. The range and scope of major U.S. social problems suggests that U.S. parents are failing at this. The article proposes...

a perspective on parenting, and a definition of effective parenting,

ways to parent effectively, and requisites for doing so ,

traits of an effectively-parented child, and...

key implications

         The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lesson 1 thru 5 typical kids' developmental tasks, Dr. Erik Erikson's eight stages of normal human development; the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle selected brief research summaries

Perspective

        Premise - the quality of American (and other?) families and society is being steadily degraded by the public condoning unqualified (ineffective) parenting, and denying the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle. The collective evidence of this is pervasive and undeniable, but it is discounted and ignored by parents, voters, legislators, and the media. Scan these comments from real kids who aren't getting their  needs met, and return here.

Solving this culturally-lethal problem requires public education. This free online 7-Lesson course exists to provide that. To fully understand the definition of effective parenting below, you must (a) be guided by your true Self, (b) study the prior five Lessons, and (c) "pass" these self-assessment quizzes.

        Nurturing means "intentionally acting to fill a person's current or long-term needs.'' Families exist in every age and culture because they fill key adult and child needs better than other social groups.

        A parent is anyone accepting the role of nurturer for one or more minor or adult children. This can include part-time or full-time bioparents, foster and step parents, godparents, aunts, uncles, grandpar-ents, older siblings, daycare staff, babysitters, nannies, au pairs, coaches, tutors, and teachers.

        Parents can only guess at the long-term outcome of their efforts. They have to invent their expertise as they go, and "get it right" the first time. This is one reason that having a close extended family is vital: if caregivers were effectively-parented themselves, the love and counsel of veteran grand-parents and older parenting mentors along the way are priceless assets. Though the world your senior relatives grew up in differs significantly from your and their grandkids’ worlds, the principles of effective parenting don't change.

        Patiently raising one or more children effectively while nurturing yourself well enough over several decades is one of the most challenging, satisfying long-term activities adults can commit to. Doing this well is specially hard in low-nurturance biofamilies and multi-home divorcing families and stepfamilies.

        Can you say why some families are more effective at filling members' key needs than others? Were your childhood caregivers effective enough at filling your physical, psychological, and spiritual needs? To answer that, you need to know what your needs were. From one (very ineffective) to 10 (highly effective), how effective have the parents in your family been at nurturing their children? ___

        Try saying your definition of "effective parenting" out loud. Then compare it to this:

What is Effective Parenting?

        A biological parent (noun) is a person who contributes genes to a fertilized female egg. To parent (verb) describes adult decisions and actions over time that aim to...

• fill minor and grown kids' developmental and special needs (to nurture) and to...

• fill their own primary needs "well enough," in order to...

• provide a safe, stable, high-nurturance environment, and...

• prepare minor kids for healthy independent living and parenting their own children effectively; and...

• protect future generations and society from the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

Healthy psychological parents have the same goals, but share no genes with dependent kids.

        Opinions vary on whether kids need stable contact with a loving mother and father (vs. a single par-ent or gay parents) to mature successfully. Other opinions propose that "it takes a village to raise a child."

        Evidence suggests that average girls need to have a father-figure to affirm and celebrate their emer-ging femininity. Similarly, boys need empathic interaction with adult females to appreciate their male-ness. Each child needs instruction on how to "be" a healthy, normal male or female, as well as a person. Who is best suited to provide this instruction evokes spirited discussion.

        Effective parenting clearly achieves the five goals above during ~20 years after birth, as judged by adult children, parents, and other aware people. Another way of saying this is "When an adult shows the behavioral signs of being a Grown Nurtured Child (below), s/he was parented effectively.

Ways to Parent Effectively

        Caregivers nurture kids in many interactive ways. Some are instinctual, and others are learned and intentional. Every parent evolves a unique mix and style of these techniques:

• including - showing kids they're accepted and valued family members, despite their nuisances;

• listening - intentionally trying to empathize what kids are thinking, feeling, and needing;

• instructing and explaining - telling kids specifically how to understand and navigate the world;

• advising - suggesting solutions to kids' problems, and letting them choose;
   

• problem-solving - intentionally helping kids learn to identify and fill their needs;

• providing limits and consequences ("disciplining") - teaching by experience;

• affirming - encouraging healthy attitudes and behaviors by naming and praising them;

• protecting - intervening in dangerous situations to grow kids' trust and security;
   

• playing - putting adult responsibilities aside and just "having fun;"

• companioning - doing activities with kids and enjoying that;

• modeling - demonstrating desirable values, attitudes, and behaviors; and...

• declaring and enforcing boundaries - helping kids learn to respect personal limits and privacies.

        Can you think of other ways adults "do" their parenting roles? Option - use this list to profile some-one's parenting "style." Rank each of these activities from one (very ineffective at this) to five ("very effec-tive at this").

        A strong indicator that a child is being parented effectively is if her or his home and family has many of these high-nurturance traits at any point in time. Another indicator is that the child displays character-istic traits like these:

Traits of a Well-nurtured Children

        Before you read this, pause and say out loud your opinion of the key attributes of a young man or woman who has been "well raised." Then compare your opinion with this:

        A Grown Nurtured Child (GNC) is a socially, spiritually, physiologically, and financially inde-pendent, healthy, self-responsible adult who...

frees their true Self to guide them in all situations; and often displays many of these behav-iors; and s/he...

is genuinely interested in developing spiritual awareness and faith in a benign (vs. punitive, "jealous," wrathful) Higher Power, and s/he...

can form, keep, and enjoy healthy mutual relationships with other adults and kids, based on her or his capacities to bond, and love and respect themselves and other people equally.

      And a typical GNC...

is realistically clear on, and calmly accepts, his or her unique talents and limitations, and s/he can describe both without excessive shame, guilts, anxiety, or egotism; and s/he...

can admit and grieve life's inevitable losses (broken bonds), and can support other mour-ners empathically; and s/he...

is steadily self-motivated to clarify her or his true life purpose, ("self-actualize"); and to pur-sue it steadily, courageously, and enthusiastically, over time; in order to...

benefit other living things, local or global society, and the Earth, while s/he…

empowers selected other adults and kids to do the same within his or her  limits, without taking responsibility for others' success;

      and a GNC is someone who can...

consistently balance short and long-term gratification; and s/he...

uses these seven skills to think and communicate effectively in calm and conflictual social situations; and s/he can...

adapt to personal, social, and environmental changes as they happen, regain personal wholistic balance, and "keep on keeping on" toward her or his life purposes; while…

knowing when and how to rest, relax, and refresh at times, without undue guilt or self-doubt.

      And a Grown Nurtured Child...

is comfortable in her or his body and with their femininity or masculinity; and s/he...

maintains his or her dignity, integrity (self-respect), and identity in the face of personal and social temptations and criticisms, while s/he...

compassionately encourages other kids and adults to...

• develop and use their talents,

• respect and be themselves,

• identify and assert their personal rights,

• learn from their problems, mistakes, and losses; and to...

• enjoy and treasure their lives despite setbacks, frustrations, and sorrows.

      Finally, typical GNCs...

make wise commitment and conception decisions,

choose another GNC as a life partner and rarely divorce, and they...

nurture themselves, each other, and any children effectively across their years.

Overall, an effectively-parented adult child (GNC) steadily lives on purpose, empowers others to appreciate and use their gifts, lives and grows healthily; promotes the health, growth, and productivity of other living things and society, and leaves the Earth a better place than when s/he was born. Do you agree?

        This proposal of GNC traits is not meant to be absolute or definitive. It's meant to illustrate possi-bilities, and motivate you to make your own thoughtful definition of the traits of a well-nurtured person - specially if you're a parent. Few people have all these traits. The real question is - how many of them did each of the adults who raised you have, and how many are you evolving, modeling, and teaching your kids?

        Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are usually controlled by a "false self," and display characteristic behaviors compared to GNCs' true Selves."       

        Pause, breathe, and reflect: what are you aware of right now?

Requisites for Effective Parenting 

        Premise: to raise Grown Nurtured Children over several decades, each adult must...

__  KEY: be steadily guided by her or his true Self, or must want to admit their        psychological wounds and commit to reducing them (e.g. work at Lesson 1);

__  want to (vs. feeling obligated to) parent, and...

__  feel s/he's qualified to be a "good enough" parent, and

__  have many of these personal traits; and s/he must want to...

__  be clear on _ her or his own primary needs, and _ each child's current and long-term       needs;

      And effective parents need to...

__  stay clear on who's responsible to fill each set of needs, and want to...

__  admit and reduce any significant barriers to parenting teamwork in the family, and...

__  stay clear on the specific long-term parenting outcomes they're striving for.

        Does this summary seem realistic? Could you omit any items? Are there other requisites that should be included? Would these make sense to each adult in your multi-generational family and any key family supporters? How many of the parenting adults in your family have all these requisites? How many parents in general have them?

Summary: over two decades, effective parenting produces young adults who are  wholistically-healthy, balanced, independent, socially productive, reasonably content (vs. "happy") women and men, who are qualified and motivated to (a) nurture children effectively without (b) neglecting their own needs.

Implications

        From the paragraphs above and your own experience, would you agree that effective childcare is very difficult - and rare?

        Reflect on the traits of Grown Nurtured Children proposed above. Name the people you know who have most of them. Would you say that more or less than half of the people you know have most traits? Less than a quarter? My estimate from over 30 years as a therapist is - probably under 10% of average Americans are Grown Nurtured Children guided by their true Selves most of the time.

         Adults who parent effectively without adequate early-childhood nurturing themselves deserve Olym-pic gold. Psychological or legal separation or divorce suggests that each partner was not effectively nurtured. Over half of recent U.S. marriages fail legally or psychologically. Do the math.

        If the great majority of American adults (like you?) are wounded and unaware...

• Most current and future U.S. kids will inherit these wounds, and experience major stresses like addictions, divorce, poor health, bankruptcy, and premature death;

• this lethal cycle of wound-inheritance will continue to silently spread down the generations, stress-ing our families and weakening our society; until...

• "someone" (e.g. the media) alerts the public and motivates them to educate themselves, heal their own wounds, make wise commitment and conception choices, and learn how to parent effectively; and....

• an informed public demands that legislators and policy makers pass new laws and regulations that promote wound-healing, education, high-nurturance families, and effective parenting.

        How likely do you think this is? What will have to happen to motivate people to begin alerting the public to this cycle and its effects? This article offers practical suggestions.

Recap

        This article offers brief perspective on the challenging art of parenting children effectively. It defines  effective (vs. good or bad) parenting, and describes typical traits of Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs). The article also summarizes (a) typical ways adults nurture their kids, and (b) requisites for adults to become an effective parent. The article closes with several key implications.

        This Lesson-6 article is superficial, in that it offers generalities about a highly complex topic. It is meant to focus you on "effective parenting," and encourage you to become aware of what you believe. Your kids and grandkids depend on you family adults to discuss the topic and provide them with a high-nurturance environment!

        Effective parenting is the keystone to protecting your living and unborn descendents from the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

  Also see these options for communicating effectively with kids and teens (Lesson 2)

If you're in a stepfamily (or may be), read about stepkids and effective stepparenting.

Try this free parenting competency inventory (on another Web site).

This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful   

  Previous page  /  Print page  /  Lesson-6 links

 site intro  /  course outline  /  site search  /  definitions  /  chat  /  contact  /  copyright info