Misinterpreting
(assuming) the motivations
and actions of others ("Pat's not calling back obviously means she's
angry and punishing me.");
Imagining
behaviors,
motives, events, and attitudes that don’t exist ("Don't lie
to me, Manuel. I
know
you're having an
affair!")
Reducing
complex situations to only two options - black-white or "bipolar"
thinking. This usually comes from subselves' fear of the unknown and the
protective need to control by reducing
uncertainties and ambivalences to manageable "yes-no" /
"right-wrong" / "good-bad" / "your fault-my fault" terms.
Chronic black-white thinking seriously hinders effective problem solving.
Inventing
reasons to
explain why things are, rather than accepting some painful truth ("I drink because
you're always harping at me, Noriko");
Minimizing
events and
event-impacts on one's Self and/or on others ("I think Jackie's
adjusting wonderfully
to her Dad's leaving us. Her nightmares and school troubles will soon be over.")
Repressing
painful thoughts
and/or feelings ("No, I've completely recovered from Mom's death. I'm done
grieving, thank the Lord."),
Selective
amnesia. Typical people ruled by
false selves describe a wide
range of "blanks" about important childhood periods, events, and people. This
often comes from an unconscious avoidance of the pain, rage, and sadness
associated with childhood traumas like abandonments, humiliations,
abuses, losses, and terrors.
These
strategic amnesias may also come from an inbred horror
of seeing our key early
caregivers as flawed, cruel, selfish, weak, uncaring, and/or abusive
(wounded) people who really
couldn't nurture us well enough.
Typical "amnesia" symptoms
sound like "I can't remember my life before age nine / what
usually happened after I came home from school / any birthday
parties for me when I was a kid,". Excessive amnesias can
promote vague or sharp feelings of personal anxiety, "incompleteness," or
"wrongness." They're specially common and dramatic for
survivors of chronic childhood
neglect.
More common reality distortions...
Projecting our
shameful thoughts, fantasies, wounds, or desires on others - "You're
the one with a toxic-anger problem here, kiddo, not me!"
Exaggerating
and catastrophizing - "You are always late!" / "You
never tell me the truth!" / "The way you spend,
we're going to be bankrupt and live on the street for the rest of our
lives!"
Idealizing
("wishful thinking") - "Well other couples may have major
stepfamily problems, but our love, experience, and commitment will protect us from that!"
Denying these
distortions, and fervently denying our denial and underlying psychological wounds. This is the master reality distortion.
How can you tell if someone is ruled by subselves who
need to protectively distort reality "too much"? Option -
use this as a checklist for yourself or someone else.
Typical Symptoms of Excessive Distortions
1) Vehemently insisting that events, feelings, conversations,
and decisions that others witness didn’t happen, or happened at a different time,
place, or circumstance (“I / you / they) never (said / did / thought / felt) that!”; I am
not a workaholic!”)
2) Fervently declaring that major disappointments, losses, or traumas
“aren’t that important,” and/or “don’t effect (or
bother) me.”
3) Genuinely believing a key relationship is “fine” when others
see major problems; or perceiving major problems when there
are none ("I know you're thinking about leaving me!").
4)
Believing a partner is (not) having an
affair when they
aren’t (are). (Also a
symptom.)
5) Steadily
avoiding responsibility for one’s life, health, decisions,
behaviors, and happiness: adopting a
“martyr” or
"victim" role and insisting “I can’t help it.” (wounds: excessive
shame +
Self-distrust + reality distortion)
6) Mis-assuming and "mind-reading"
- often reading incorrect meanings into others’
statements and/ or actions (“You are angry at me. Don’t you deny
it!”), and denying or rationalizing that. A common example is
mistaking informational feedback as criticism.
7) Projecting one’s own shameful traits onto others
(“You’re the liar here, not me!”) This is also a symptom of toxic
(excessive) shame and guilt.
More common symptoms of false-self
reality distortions...
8) Refusing to see “flaws,”
“weaknesses,” and/or these psychological-wound symptoms in one’s
self, or in a
revered partner, parent, hero/ine, or child.
9) Rationalizing that clearly abusive, criminal, self-harmful, and/or
unethical acts are “really OK, because…”
10) Minimizing one’s own needs, risks, feelings,
consequences, responsibility, and/or those of others [“no big deal (to me)!”
and “You’re making a big deal out of nothing!”] The flip side
of this is a chronic tendency to
exaggerate and/or
catastrophize (imagining the worst, and acting as though it were certain.)
11)
Lying excessively or chronically, and denying, minimizing, joking, or justifying
that. This is also a symptom of excessive fears, shame, and guilts.
12) Seeing
inner-wound symptoms like these as trivial and unremarkable:
“So what’s the big deal?”
13) Having distorted or no clear ideas about what emotional, spiritual, and/or
physical
and child or self
neglect are.
14) Tolerating any of these
abuses without complaint.
15) Believing and justifying distorted concepts of
high-nurturance parenting and relationship goals,
priorities, and techniques.
16) Insisting “My childhood and early family were fine /
wonderful / healthy / loving / functional /…" when they clearly weren’t.
17) Believing “My parent/s really loved me,” and
being unable to describe how they demonstrated that; and/or amplifying,
distorting, or inventing parental behaviors to “prove” their love.
18) Consistently idealizing outcomes,
and/or expecting unrealistic attitudes, behaviors, or outcomes from people
and situations.
19) Interpreting people,
relationships, and events as manifesting "prophesies" in a sacred
or occult text, rather
than seeing real causes and effects.
20) Believing that Satan, the Devil,
"demons," "evil spirits," or malevolent ghosts are causing personal
or global troubles, vs. psychological, social, genetic, and environmental
realities.
There are many other symptoms - these are illustrative.
In general, the more symptoms
above that you or another person have, the higher the odds you or s/he is
psychologically wounded (dominated by a well-meaning false self). Recall:
this is one of several wound-assessment
checklists in Lesson 1.
Impacts of
Excessive
Distortions
People with this common psychological wound...
-
avoid
stress
by discounting, ignoring, or denying potentially harmful things; and/or
they...
-
stress themselves and others by inventing or
magnifying problems.
Do you know someone who distorts a lot? How do you react to that trait?
Typical responses can span resignation, irritation, arguing, anxiety,
distrust, confusion, doubting, discounting, avoidance, not listening,
criticism, concern, preaching, and/or lecturing, All of these stress
relationships, lower family nurturance levels,
and hinder effective communication. Do you agree?
The Web address of this article is
https://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/distort.htm
