Lesson 2 of 7 - learn effective communication skills Useful Responses to Common Problem Behaviors Feel confident in any social situation By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council site intro > course outline, Lesson-2 study guide or links, chat, site search, or other page > here The Web address of this series is http://sfhelp.org/cx/options.htm         Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site. If your browser doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.         This is one of the articles in Lesson 2 - learn communication basics and skills to get more daily needs met more often. Progress with Lesson 2 depends on simultaneous progress on Lesson 1 - empower your resident true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.         This YouTube clip previews some of the key ideas you'll find in this series of articles:         Do you ever feel unsure of how to respond effectively with certain people or social situations? This article illustrates response options for many common relationship problems. A problem occurs when adults or kids can't fill their current primary needs well enough because of some trait or behavior of another person.          This response series provides... a definition of an "effective communication response" steps common to all situations, and... options for responding effectively to common social "problem behaviors."         This series assumes you're familiar with the ideas in Lessons 1 and 2  in this Web site.         If you have someone whose traits or behaviors are vexing, keep them in mind as you read this. What is an "Effective Response"?         An "effective response" to problem behavior meets four conditions: you accept full responsibility for filling your own needs, and give other able people responsibility for filling their needs - without guilt or anxiety; you're clear on your and their equal rights as dignified, worthy persons; you're clear on why you're responding to them - i.e. on what you need; and... after your response, all people involved feel... fully heard, respected, and satisfied with the outcome; that they honored their integrity (were true to their values and standards); and everyone feels... good enough about the way they interacted together; and... that their relationships were preserved or enhanced, vs. degraded.          As you gain fluency and confidence using effective communication skills, you'll probably meet these conditions automatically. Can you think of a recent exchange with someone which met these conditions? If so, recall how you felt afterwards...         With some exceptions, the sample response below apply equally to adults, teens, pre-teens, and personality subselves. They're suggestions, not absolutes. Note their theme - they are brief, specific, respectful, honest, and focused on now vs. the past or future. Common Problem Behaviors         "Behaviors" are bodily responses to inner and outer stimulations. They can be actions or inactions, and observable or "subliminal" (sensed). Another person's behavior becomes a "problem" when it causes you "significant" local or chronic discomfort. Tho contexts and personalities vary, most adults and kids experience these problem behaviors at times:         Think of adults and kids with whom you experience any of these "problems." Then click the link in the table to see samples of effective responses. addiction aggression anger / frustration anxiety (worry) argumentative arrogance over-assuming boredom / apathy over-critical competitive controlling cynicism defensiveness denials  depression dishonesty distrust disrespect distraction egotism over-guarded guilt hostility too idealistic inconsistency impatience indifference inferiority insecurity insincerity too intellectual interruptive insensitivity intrusiveness irresponsibility jealousy / envy lecturing malice / spite manipulation mind-reading monologing nagging Narcissism negativity neglectful never serious not listening obnoxious offensiveness over-dramatic overwhelm power struggles prejudice pessimism reactivity repetition rigidity rudeness sadness sarcasm secretive silence superiority unavailability unawareness unfocused unresponsive whining wounds         Starting in childhood, we develop trial-and-error responses to these behaviors in other people. Our responses are usually unconscious, impulsive, and unempathic. We first learn them by observing our early caregivers and hero/ines - who were probably unaware also.         Without awareness of our needs, our responses, and their effects, we risk degrading communication outcomes and damaging our self-esteem and key relationships. Have you ever thought about how you respond to people with these traits, and what effects you produce?              For more perspective and options, see... 30 common communication blocks. Which do you use? improving communication outcomes with adults and kids, options for improving your self confidence; and... improving relationships with family members and co-workers. Recap         This article is one of a series on improving communication effectiveness - i.e. getting more social needs met harmoniously, more often. The article defines an "effective response" to "problem behavior" in another person. Then it provides a menu of common "problem behaviors" and links to sample response options to each one.          Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''? <<  This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful   >>    Prior page  /  Lesson-2 links  site intro  /  course outline  /  site search  /  glossary  /  chat  /  contact  /  copyright info Updated January 03, 2012