Lesson 2 of 7 - learn to communicate effectively Useful Responses to Irritating Behaviors Feel confident in any social situation By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council site intro > course outline, Lesson 2 study guide or links, chat, search, or prior page > here The Web address of this series is https://sfhelp.org/cx/options.htm Updated 12-31-2014       Clicking underlined links here will open a new window. Other links will open  an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site. If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display. Follow underlined links after finishing this article to avoid getting lost.       This is one of the articles in Lesson 2 - learn communication basics and skills to get more social needs met more often. Progress with Lesson 2 depends on progress on Lesson 1 - empower your wise true Self to guide your personality in calm and conflictual times.       This brief YouTube video previews some of the key ideas you'll find in this series of articles. The video mentions eight lessons in this Web site: I've reduced that to seven.       Do you ever feel unsure of how to respond effectively with "difficult" people or social situations? This article illustrates response options for many common relationship problems. A problem occurs when adults or kids can't fill their current primary needs well enough because of some trait or behavior of another person.       This article and series provides... a definition of an "effective communication response" response steps common to all situations, and... options for responding effectively to many common social "problem behaviors."       This series assumes you're familiar with the ideas in Lessons 1 and 2 in this Web site.       If you have someone whose traits or behaviors irritate you, identify the behavior and follow the appropriate link in the table below. First, consider this: What is an "Effective Response"?       Premise - an effective response to irritating behavior meets four conditions: you accept full responsibility for filling your own needs, and give other able people responsibility for filling their needs - without guilt or anxiety; you're clear on your and their equal rights as dignified, worthy persons; you're clear on why you're responding to them - i.e. on what you need; and... after your response, all people involved feel... fully heard and genuinely respected, that they honored their integrity (were true to their values and standards); and everyone feels... good enough about the way they interacted together; and... that their relationship was preserved or enhanced, vs. degraded.        As you gain fluency and confidence using effective communication skills, you'll probably meet these conditions automatically. Can you think of a recent exchange with someone which met these conditions? If so, recall how you felt afterwards...       With some exceptions, the sample response below apply equally to adults, teens, pre-teens, and personality subselves. They're suggestions, not absolutes. Note their theme - they are brief, specific, respectful, honest, and focused on now vs. the past or future. Common Problem Behaviors       "Behaviors" are observable facial, verbal, and body actions or lack of actions ("You never look at me.") Another person's behavior becomes a "problem" when it causes you "significant" local or chronic discomfort. Tho contexts and personalities vary, most adults and kids experience these common problem behaviors with other people.       Think of adults and kids with whom you experience any of these "problems." Then click the link in the table to see samples of effective responses. Each link will take you to a separate page. Some of these links go to the same article. addicted aggressive angry / frustrated anxious (worried) argumentative arrogant over-assuming bored / apathetic over-critical competitive controlling cynical defensive denying  depressed dishonest distrusting disrespectful distracted too dramatic egotistic over-guarded guilty hostile too idealistic inconsistent impatient indifferent inferiority insecure insincere too intellectual interruptive insensitive intrusive irresponsible jealous / envious lecturing malice / spite manipulation mind-reading monologing nagging Narcissistic negative neglectful never serious not listening overdramatic overwhelmed power struggles prejudiced pessimistic repetitive rigidity rudeness sadness sarcasm secretive silence superiority unavailability unaware unempathic unfocused unresponsive whining wounded       Starting in childhood, we develop trial-and-error responses to these behaviors in other people. Our responses are usually unconscious, impulsive, and unempathic. We first learn them by observing our early caregivers and hero/ines - who were probably unaware also.       Without awareness of our needs, our responses, and their effects, we risk degrading communication outcomes and damaging our self-esteem and key relationships. Have you ever thought about how you respond to people with these traits, and what effects you produce? Recap       This Lesson-2 article is one of a series on improving communication effectiveness - i.e. getting more social needs met harmoniously, more often. The article defines an "effective response" to "problem behavior" in another person. Then it provides a menu of common "problem behaviors" and links to sample response options to each one.        Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?         For more perspective and options, see... 30 common communication blocks. Which do you use? improving communication outcomes with adults and kids, a sample personal Bill of Rights; options for improving your self confidence and self respect; and... ways to improve relationships with family members and co-workers.  This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful      Prior page  /  Lesson 2  site intro  /  course outline  /  site search  /  definitions  /  chat  /  contact