Any
of these look familiar? Until in
true (vs. pseudo) wound-recovery, habitual fear-protections like these tend to reinforce each other
- e.g. "I feel stupid and guilty for catastrophizing all the time,
so I minimize my
worries, don't think about them, 'keep busy,' and I don't tell other people how uneasy I
am most of the time. I know I shouldn't do these things so much, but I can't
help it."
When your true Self is steadily
s/he will...
-
admit fears promptly,
without guilt or shame;
-
decide what s/he (you)
needs to do abut them and...
-
what resources you need,
and...
-
proactively and patiently
fill your needs so fears subside to normal levels.
S/He will also find ways to
rescue scared subselves who live in the past, and use
spiritual faith
to help manage significant fears.
How can you tell if your fears are
"excessive"?
Common Symptoms
of Excessive Fears
Dominance of over-fearful subselves causes
common thoughts, feelings and behaviors. The behaviors are
also shaped
by other psychological wounds. See which of these may feel familiar in you or
someone you know...
_
1) Over-avoidance of
inevitable
and interpersonal
conflicts;
“My partner and I never fight!”
_
2) Compulsive
pleasing, helping, and/or
rescuing key adults and kids.
_
3)
Freezing, panicking, exploding, fleeing, or aggressing when others show
strong emotions.
_
4) Equating a raised or intense voice
and/or
angry face with
“You're yelling at me.”
_
5) Repeatedly
rationalizing and tolerating toxic
(controlling, shaming, hurtful) relationships.
_
6)
Habitual black/white (bi-polar)
thinking, and/or major discomfort with ambivalence and uncertainty.
_
7) “Unreasonable”
guilt and/or
anxiety ("worry") over crying or raging.
_
8) Chronic
"free-floating anxiety"
_
9) Compulsive
apologizing (also a symptom of excessive shame).
_ 10) Often “walking on eggshells”
with key people, and doing nothing about it.
More common symptoms of excessive
fears...
_ 11)
Frequent
high discomfort
asserting needs
and opinions, saying “no,” or confronting self or others - i.e.
difficulty setting
and enforcing appropriate personal
boundaries (limits)
_ 12)
Identifying with or vehemently denying
codependence (also an excessive-shame symptom).
_ 13) Compulsively choosing
approach-avoid or no relationships, despite painful outcomes.
_ 14) Automatically
repressing
(numbing) and/or withholding (not expressing) some
or most emotions.
_ 15)
A notable compulsion to
control people, events, perceptions, and/or feelings;
excessive preoccupation with “what if…”.
_ 16) Major discomfort with changing beliefs, behaviors, and/or surroundings (taking
risks); Living an overly-structured, ritualized life; “never
going out or traveling.”
_ 17)
Repeatedly picking
"emotionally-unavailable"
(wounded) partners and associates, and complaining
about
that,
rationalizing or
denying it or "not noticing" it.
_ 18) Compulsively
“shading the
truth” or lying directly or by omission, and denying it.
_ 19) A history of relationship
cutoffs and “failures," including
divorce/s
_ 20) An obsessive need for
lists and clear “rules”
and “plans,” and predicting the future
_ 21) Avoidance of, or inability to tolerate,
emotional and physical intimacy.
_ 22) Avoidance of, or
significant anxiety
about, personal commitment.
_ 23) Smiling and/or chuckling
(double messages) when scared, confused, hurting, or
angry.
_ 24) Frequent inability to describe current feelings (emotions
and/or body sensations).
_ 25)
Computing “what I (should)
feel now” vs. spontaneously feeling.
_ 26) Excessive
procrastination and/or being
chronically late, and
claiming "I can't help it"
_ 27) Chronic facial tics; jaw grinding; and/or
muscle, head, or stomach aches or pains.
_ 28) “Always” being
analytic, intellectual, and “in my head.”
_ 29) Being unable to describe clearly “what I
(don't) like and/or need.”
_ 30) Feeling or showing no appropriate shock, anger, and sadness
(grief) over major physical or
abstract losses (also a symptom of
difficulty
bonding)
_ 31) Frequently “not breathing” (breathing
shallowly), and being unaware of that until someone points it out. A related
symptom is frequent use of
tobacco, which reduces oxygen-absorption and mutes feeling emotions like
anxiety or fear.
_ 32) “Never” arguing,
getting angry or “upset,” or showing strong emotions without major
anxiety, guilt, and repetitive apologizing.
_ 33) Usually having an expressionless face, a
"frozen" body," and/or a "flat" voice.
_ 34) Periodic
"depressions" and/or uncontrollable rage or weeping “attacks,” despite painful personal
and social
consequences - including post-attack shame (embarrassment), guilt, and/or fear of ”losing control” again.
_ 35) Frequent
catastrophizing - focusing on the worst possible outcomes of human or Natural
situations, and
having a steady cynical, skeptical, pessimistic view of life.
_ 36) Stubbornly justifying or denying avoidance of appropriate
professional medical, spiritual, and psychological help in person or in the
media (self neglect)
- also a symptom of excessive shame).
These are typical behavioral symptoms
of excessive subself fears. Do you see yourself or someone else here? Reflect for a moment on your favorite
worries and
fears. How have they been shaping your relationships, finances, occupation,
and health? Try completing this sentence repeatedly until you run out of
responses:
The more of these fear-traits you or
someone has, the higher the odds
you or s/he is dominated by a well-meaning
false self.
Recall:
this is one of several psychological-wound-assessment checklists.
If you or another has "too many" of these 36 symptoms "too often" (a subjective
opinion), what can you do to reduce them and grow more
confident,
serene, and productive?
Typical
Fear-reduction Goals
Well-meaning
Catastrophizer, Worrier, and
Cynic/Doubter subselves
often keep your insecure
(untrusting) subselves anxious. A creative Magician subself may help by
protectively distorting reality, and a
Numb-er who mutes or anesthetizes
"unsafe" emotions. Often the
Inner Critic heaps scorn on other subselves for
"being a wimp / scaredy cat / doormat / coward / lily-livered / "weak"
/ yellow / timid…", which inexorably nourishes
Inner Kids' excessive guilt and shame.
People who choose to reorganize their
personality subselves under the
leadership of their
(capital "S") can work patiently toward targets like these...
Adopt the attitude that like all
emotions, anxiety and fear are
useful (vs. positive
or negative) responses.
Identify your current
significant and/or chronic anxieties
and fears, Decide which you can and can't
and use this
awareness to fill your current needs.
Learn to recognize...
-
surface symptoms that
indicate repressed fear (e.g. those above),
and...
-
the difference between health-promoting and
toxic anxiety and fear.
Investigate possible connections between terrified
Inner Kids and their Guardian subselves and any chronic physical
symptoms you experience - e.g. cramps, muscular tics or spasms, migraines,
asthma, insomnia, "digestive problems," ulcers, … Isolated or mute
subselves can promote such symptoms in a desperate attempt to be noticed
and comforted. For perspective, read
this brief research summary
on significant
health risks from "chronic anxiety;"
Tailor this parts-work strategy
for reducing excessive or chronic anxiety and fear to fit your situation
Tailor
and apply these options for building
your self-confidence.
Continue progressing
with
here - specially Part 3,
The Web address of this
article is
https://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/fears.htm
