Perspective
Competition is natural in all
animal species, rooted in the instinct to survive. People compete to
gain (a) resources (like money, water, food, and land); (b) power
(security), and (c) self-satisfaction, fame, and pride ("I'm the best!").
Young and grown siblings compete
for physical and invisible "things" like love, approval,
status, control. and assets. Their vying can
range from good-natured to bitter, occasional to constant, and
subtle obvious. Good-natured (respectful) rivalry can bring out the best in
people. Selfish competition can tear relationships, families, organizations,
and nations apart.
Most (all?) young
children are egocentric - they focus naturally on filling their own needs
first, unless they're punished (shamed) for that. Think of what mattered
most to you at four years old. How about at age 12? 17?
Young kids also naturally test
their adults to learn whether they're valued, safe, and how they're
ranked (worst > best). This testing is instinctive and largely unconscious,
so using logic or criticism to get a child to stop testing will usually
create mutual frustration and distrust.
One type of rivalry is specially vexing for parents: a child competing with
them for family power and control. That can be labeled as
defiance, disrespect, sassiness, backtalk, rebelliousness, and so on.
The real issues in such cases are psychological wounds, ineffective
communication, and disrespect, not rivalry.
Factors that shape how intensely a child needs to test are insecurity
and shame (low self esteem). Kids who are confident and
comfortable with themselves and feel loved, valued, and safe, have less of a
need to test than kids who don't.
|
An implication is that kids who compete excessively may be a symptom
of parents who haven't helped them feel confident, safe, and loved.
Implication: the kids are not the problem, parental wounds
and ignorance are. |
Part of "maturing" is learning to...
-
seek to be the best you can be, vs. being
better than other people
-
developing empathy and respect for other
people, regardless of differences with them;
-
respect the needs of other people as being
just a valid as yours,
-
patiently develop your talents and skills
over time,
-
admit and accept your personal limitations
without guilt or shame, and
-
enjoy your successes without feeling
"superior" to others.
Do
you agree with this summary? If not, what do you believe?
For perspective, think back to each adult that "raised you," and any
mentors. What did they teach and model about the traits above? Adult
guidance on excessive rivalry is an opportunity to help kids develop these
essential traits. If parents (like you?) weren't encouraged to develop these
traits themselves, it will be hard to help kids evolve them.
What Attitudes are you Modeling?
Whatever coaching you
got, you've become an adult with some core right/wrong, good/bad
attitudes about submitting, competing, winning, losing,
selfishness, respect, and cooperation. These attitudes shape if, how,
and when you compete, and for what. They also shape how you guide
your battling youngsters - who watch and listen to you.
Many kids of divorce grow up
experiencing their parents fighting as opponents, vs.
problem-solving as teammates. Sadly, the
divorce process can
amplify this antagonism example with "endless" parental
legal battles.
These inherently aggressive contests always generate "winners" and
"losers," though emotionally everyone loses, long term.
Legal or not, parental fighting and
arguing often exalts disrespectful rivalry and winning, rather than family
members disagreeing respectfully, compromising, and helping each other get
their current primary needs met well enough.
Another rivalry factor is kids'
Kids with "male
brains" and hormones are more apt to act aggressively and instinctually seek
"to fight and win." Female brains usually value cooperation,
"relationships," and community. You probably know exceptions, fiercely competitive
females and males
who promote peace, mediation and harmony.
Premises
See
how you feel about these proposals: "A(gree), D(isagree), and (?) it depends
(on what?)
-
Sibling rivalry is
"excessive" or "significant" when any family
member says it is (A D ?);
-
Excessive rivalry can stress the
rivals and/or people who care about them
(A D ?)
-
Excessive
sibling rivalry is usually a symptom of deeper individual and/or family problems,
so focusing on reducing the rivalry alone often
will not "work" long term. (A D ?)
-
It can be hard to separate
"excessive rivalry" from other major tensions between stepsibs
like dislike,
distrust,
hostility,
jealousy,
and disrespect. These relationship
conditions share some basic underlying primary problems, (below) so working
to heal one of them may improve them all. (A D ?)
-
All of your
family adults share responsibility for acknowledging
"excessive" sibling rivalry and reducing it to
"tolerable." (A D ?)
-
Blaming and punishing kids
for excessive rivalry shames (wounds) them and ignores the
that are causing their behavior. This means those needs will keep surfacing
in some other ways until they're filled well enough or the child gives up (A
D ?); And...
-
Parents
can significantly
reduce excessive sibling rivalry - i.e. the primary problems
promoting it - over time! (A D ?)
If
you don't agree with these ideas, what do you and your other family
adults believe? Your beliefs and attitudes will shape how you respond to
your kids' battling and whether the fights escalate or not.
If
someone in your family has "a problem" with excessive sibling rivalry, what
can you do?
Options
Identify (a) who has the problem, and (b)
- specifically - do they
need?
If one or more family adults have a problem
related to excessive child rivalry,..
-
avoid blaming and shaming the kids for the
problem ("You make us fight!"), and see...
-
how to
analyze typical relationship problems,
-
options for
resolving most relationship
problems,
-
how to avoid and manage three common family
stressors; and...
-
perspective on relating to a "problem
child."
If two or more adult siblings are excessively combative, they're
probably
(GWCs) raised in a low nurturance family. Where true, they probably they
have a cluster of personal and relationship problems like
See
this and
this for options.
If one or more kids have a "rivalry" problem, select from these
choices:
-
whether the kids' primary caregivers are psychologically
If they are, adopt a long-term view and use
to help
the wounds.
Ignoring this option prevents all other options from working.
-
compare primary caregivers' attitudes,
goals, and behaviors with those above,
and adjust any as appropriate. They may be unintentionally promoting
rivalry.
-
review and improve
key adults are communicating with each child as appropriate.
This includes reviewing the way adults are providing
discipline and consequences.
-
Identify what each child needs from the
other. If they're young, they may not be able to articulate their
primary needs, like respect, security, and equal family status.
-
Patiently model and teach (a) mutual-respect
attitudes, and empathic-listening, assertion, and win-win
problem-solving
to the kids. Help them learn those skills get
their needs met more often than fighting.
-
if you're in a
family or
invite all your adults - including co-parenting ex mates and their
relatives - to,,,
-
learn kids' many concurrent
adjustment needs, and to...
-
assess how well
each "rival child's" needs are being filled. The rivalry is probably
a symptom of several unfilled deeper needs.
Notice the theme and scope of these options. They include changing some key
adult and family dynamics, not just trying to get the kids to "stop
fighting" or "treat each other better."
Recap
Frequently, excessive competition between siblings is a sign that their
family adults are psychologically wounded and unaware of communication,
relationship, family, and parenting basics. This Lesson-6 article offers (a)
perspective on excessive rivalry between biological or step siblings, and
(b) specific adult options for identifying and reducing the family dynamics
that promote rivalry and other "behavior problems.".
Also see
on managing other common surface relationship problems
Reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If so -
what do you need to do next? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your
or
