The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/malice.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an
informational popup, so
please turn off
your browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site. If the links distract you,
read the whole article before following any.
This YouTube clip provides perspective for what
you'll read in this article:
This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behaviors. An
"effective response" occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
primary needs met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
respected enough.
This
article offers (a) perspective on "malice,"
and (b) options for responding well to it. The article
assumes
you're familiar with:
the
intro to this nonprofit
Web site and the
premises
underlying it
Try defining "malice"
out loud, as tho to a pre-teen.
A thesaurus lists these synonyms; ill will,
grudge, spite, malevolence, nastiness, and
unkindness. Have you ever met an adult or child
with any of these attitudes and behaviors? Would
anyone ever accuse you of displaying any
of them?
If
you've ever met a malicious person, how
did you feel? How did you react? Common
responses include feeling intimidated,
resentful, anxious, aggressive, critical,
righteous, disrespectful, and/or de-fensive.
It's hard to feel neutral when someone wants
you to suffer for some reason (like revenge).
Significant and/or chronic anger, hostility, and
ill-will is a sure sign the person is controlled
by a protective false self. It's also a sign
s/he doesn't know how to assert needs and
feelings effectively. Un-derstanding this can
help keep an attitude of respect and compassion
vs. lose-lose antagonism or in-timidation.
Perhaps the easiest response to such a person is
avoidance - at the cost of feeling
anxious and furtive. Where avoidance or
endurance aren't practical or acceptable,
is there
a "best way" to respond effectively to a
malicious, spiteful person?
Response Options
Begin by (a) having your true Self
guide you,
and (b) choosing an attitude of
mutual respect
to-ward the malicious person. Then (c) mentally
review your
rights as a worthy, dignified person.
Decide what you
need - specifically - with this person: to
vent, to apologize, to set or enforce a
boundary, an admission ("Yes, I want you to
suffer!"), a different attitude, a promise,
willingness to problem-solve, and/or
different behavior.
As you decide, be aware - if a false
self rules the malicious person, s/he may be
unable to feel or behave differently.
Requesting or demanding something beyond a
person's capabilities will only increase
antagonism and mutual resentment.
Compose a calm,
direct, response that expresses your feeling
or need clearly. That might sound like...
"(Name), can you
tell me what's bothering you (about me)?"
"My sense is
that part of you wants to see me suffer. Is
that right?"
"So you're /
bitter / angry / resentful (at me) because
________."
This is
empathic listening, not agreeing).
"(Name), What do
you need from me now?"
"When you speak
/ act / behave like that, I lose respect for
you."
"When you seek
to hurt me, I feel _______________ (and I
need _____________)."
"I don't like
the way you're treating me."
"When you need
to be sarcastic / critical / demeaning, I
can't hear you."
"(Name), are you
willing to problem-solve with me?"
"I'm not going
to respond to your false self any more."
"When you spread
malicious rumors about me, I feel ________
(and I need ______________.)"
Notice the theme of these responses: they clear,
brief, direct, here-and-now, respectful,
and fac-tual (vs. emotional) statements.
As with any assertive or confrontive
communication, these are best de-livered calmly,
with steady eye contact.
Expect the other person to "resist" you,
and use
empathic listening to acknowledge (vs. agree with or engage)
them. Then calmly restate your assertive
response.
If there is a malicious child or adult in your
life now, imagine using attitudes and
responses like these with her/him. How do you think
s/he would feel and react? Would you satisfy
your primary needs?
Avoid
(false self) responses like these:
"Oh, grow up! You're acting
like a six year old!" (1-up,
blaming, labeling)
"OK, OK - I'll do
_____________________ (give in)." (placating)
"(Name), You give 'obnoxious' a whole
new meaning!" (sarcastic put-down)
"You think that bothers me? Dream
on..." (I'm 1-up - superior to
you)
"With a mean attitude like that, how
do you live with yourself?"
(sarcastic put-down)
"Did someone put lemon juice in your
mother's milk?" (insult).
"OK (Name). If
you want to fight dirty, so will I!"
(lose-lose challenge).
"You're totally wrong. I never said /
did that!" (arguing / challenging /
1-up)
"Do you realize what a fool you look /
act / sound like?" (1-up insult,
name-calling)
Disrespectful responses like these (a) suggest a false self dominates you, and (b) will probably
amplifythe malice! Lose-lose!
Recap
This is one of a series of brief
examples of how to respond effectively to common
annoying social behaviors. This article offers ways to
respond effectively to a malicious person. The ways are
based on...
clarity on your
feelings, needs, and personal
rights; and...
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening (Lesson 2).
Also see these response-options to
hostile and/or
aggressive people.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
Respond to Malice
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/malice.htm
This
article offers (a) perspective on "malice,"
and (b) options for responding well to it. The article
assumes
you're familiar with: