The Web address of this
guide is
http://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm
Updated
01-17-2015
Clicking underlined links here will open a
new window. Other links will open an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit Web site.
If your playback device doesn't support Javascript, the popups may not display.
Follow underlined links after
finishing this article to avoid getting lost.
Lesson two will help you (a)
think more effectively and (b) avoid and resolve significant
communication problems using
seven powerful skills. This is
essential for
effective wound-reduction (Lesson 1) and for achieving satisfying relationships with adults and kids (Lessons 4-7).
This brief YouTube clip by the author introduces the main topics in Lesson 2:
You can learn the key ideas in Lesson 2 by watching these
brief YouTube videos by the author:
basics (22 videos, 4 hours total) and
tips
(17 videos, 2.5 hours total). This study guide includes useful worksheets,
reviews, and reprints that aren't included in these videos.
Why Study This Lesson?
Every
day, all adults and kids strive to reduce personal and social discomforts - i.e.
to fill current needs.
"Happiness" and "peace" is an illusive state where our key needs are
met well enough at the
moment. The most
powerful skills you can learn to fill your daily needs are effective thinking and communication. "Thinking"
is
internalcommunication
among your
personality subselves (Lesson 1).
I'm a professional communicator. I've studied this subject for over 40 years. My
experience as a therapist, teacher, and a student of human behavior is that
regardless of schooling, average adults
(like you?) have never studied effective
communication, and don't know what they need to know about it. They
(you?) are content (or
not) with ineffective thinking and communicating.
Western culture pays little attention to effective interpersonal communication
For example: I had to ask the editors of About.com
and AllExperts.com to include
"communication" in their extensive list of educational topics for
their site visitors.
Over 80% of site visitors who
respond to this poll say they are "extremely interested" in learning to communicate more
effectively. Does that describeyou? If you are
interested,
consider investing in the unique
Lesson-2 guidebook
Satisfactions
(Xlibris.com, 2010, 2nd ed.),
It integrates most of the materials in this online Lesson, and provides a
convenient portable reference.
This self-improvement Lesson has three
parts:
basic concepts
seven powerful communication skills, and...
useful communication
applications,
tools, and resources.
Study these parts when you're not distracted
and your true Self is
guiding
you. (Lesson 1). Follow the numbered "assignments" order - they build on each
other. Option - check
off
each step as you complete it to track your progress.
Many of these articles include brief introductory YouTube videos .
Part 1) Learn
Communication Basics
__ 2-1)
Assess your current communication knowledge with this
quiz. Then learn about...
__ 2-2) Surface and
primary needs. Theypowerall human behavior, including communicating.
__ 2-3)
Review these communication
basics - What is communication?
Effective communication? Five reasons we communicate, three "channels" we
use, and four simultaneous messages we exchange all the time. One is
crucial, yet few people are aware of it. Can you name it?
__ 2-4)
Study these Q&A items about effective communication.
__ 2-5) Read
this
overview of all seven skills to get the
"big picture.".
Now put these communication basics to work...
Part 2) Learn Seven Communication Skills
These skills are based on the concepts above. They build on each other
and
are just as effective among your
dynamic
personality subselves as with adults and kids.
Process
awareness - notice what's happening inside you, inside your partner, between you,
and around you - moment by moment, and over time.
Effectivethinking. Popular alternatives are fuzzy, unfocused thinking
and/orreacting"without thinking". Typical
people (like you?) are unaware of how they think.
"Digging down" below surface needs to
identify the primary needs that cause them.
Metatalk - use awareness and a
special vocabulary to identify and discuss communication needs
and problems.
Empathic listening - "hearing with
your heart." This skill is also called mirroring and
active listening.
Assertion - saying what you think, feel, and
need so your partner can hear you clearly; and...
Win-win problem-solving (conflict
resolution) - filling all partners' current primary needs well
enough, in a way that satisfies everyone.
Study these skills in order. Option
- study and practice one skill a week for seven weeks and enjoy the
results!
PROCESS-AWARENESS
SKILL
__
2-6)Learn about
personal awareness -
an essential for
daily satisfaction. Are you aware of your awareness in calm and
stressful times?
__ 2-7)
Study this introduction to process awareness. The other
six communication skills each depend on proficiency with this one.
Metatalk
skill (2-15 below) shows you
almost 50 communication variables professionals are aware of.
Usually we only need
seven.
__ 2-8)Learn these common communication errors and blocks. Use process awareness to spot these, and use all seven skills to resolve
them among people and your personality subselves. Option - print and use this
article as a reference as you practice these skills.
__ 2-9)
Learn about awareness "bubbles" and
R(espect)-messages. Each of these powerfully affects your
communication outcomes. Learn to be aware of them in important
social situations.
__ 2-10)Do this awareness-skill practice
with a motivated partner several
times, until you feel grounded.
EFFECTIVE THINKING
SKILL
__
2-11) Read this introduction to effective thinking.
Thinking is communication among your dynamic
personality subselves.
Ineffective (fuzzy, unfocused) thinking hinders effective problem-solving and
causes misunderstandings and frustration. Use awareness to note
how you and others are thinking in important situations and over time.
"DIG DOWN" SKILL
All human behavior aims to
increase pleasure and reduce or avoid discomforts - i.e. to
satisfy current needs. Needs occur in several levels
(surface > intermediate > primary). Unaware people focus only on
satisfying their surface needs, which limits their satisfaction and
promotes blame, frustration, cynicism, and self-doubt.
__ 2-12)
Learn to distinguish betweensurface and
underlying primary needs, and discover
how people (like you) usually rank
five primary needs. (2 pages)
__ 2-14) Study this
introduction to
dig-down skill and three examples of how it works. Use this
skill to (a) discover someone's current primary (vs. surface) needs so you
can fill them using assertion and problem-solving skills.
__
2-15)Practice
"digging-down" with
fellow learners until it becomes a habit.
METATALK SKILL
"Metatalk" is cooperatively discussing how you're communicating
now and over time with a partner. This skill uses
awareness, knowledge,
and a special vocabulary to identify communication problems.
Metatalk provides input for win-win problem-solving.
Empathy is the ability to sense (vs. understand) what
another person is feeling, thinking, and needing now and over time. Empathic
listening has been called "hearing with your heart" by Steven Covey, the
acclaimed author of "The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People."
__ 2-21) Use
this worksheet to learn how well you
and selected partners listen to each other.
__ 2-22) Do this empathic-listening
skill practice with
a compatible partner until it becomes a habit.
ASSERTION SKILL
This is the learned ability to say
what you feel or need in a way that others can hear you clearly.
Common alternatives are hinting, pleading, demanding, and lecturing. Effective assertion requires
all five prior skills and your Self (capital "S") guiding you.
__
2-24)
Use
the sample
Personal Bill of Rights to
design your own. As a dignified person, you have the right to assert (vs.
impose) your needs and opinions, regardless of your age, gender, race,
creed, or role!
__
2-27) Discover your
assertion style by filling out this
profile.
__ 2-28)Practice
assertion skill with one or more
partners until it becomes a habit.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILL
This vital ability uses all six other skills to help you and an adult or child
fill your respective current
primary needs well enough.
Common lose-lose alternatives to cooperative problem-solving are arguing, fighting, avoiding, lecturing,
manipulating, blaming, threatening, explaining, moralizing, generalizing,
overanalyzing, complaining, whining, demanding, and debating,
Win-win problem-solving works equally well with conflicted people and your personality
subselves.
__ 2-29)
Experiment with these eight win-win problem-solving steps,.
__
2-30) Use this
inventory to learn your
conflict-resolution (problem-solving)
style.
__
2-31)
Do this
problem-solving practice with one
or more fellow students until the skill becomes a habit
__
2-32)
Study this example of lose-lose and win-win
couple communication.
__ 2-33)Preview
- Learn resolution options for
three common relationship stressors - values
and loyalty conflicts, and divisive Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer triangles
(Lesson 4)
__ 2-36) Retake this
quiz on communication knowledge and
appreciate
what you've learned!
If this seems like a lot of work -it is! The benefits are
well worth the effort - getting more needs met more often, in satisfying
ways - for the rest of your life. Studying these communication basics and
skills will do you little good unless you commit topracticing
them every day and noticing the results. Do you have the commitment to
do this? If not, suspect that a false self controls you - see Lesson 1.
To expand the foundation above, study
and use these...
Part 3) Communication Applications, Tools,
and Resources
__
2-39)Map (diagram) your communication sequences
and patterns to help spot and resolve significant
process-problems.
__ 2-40)
Study these options on how to improve your communication with most adults
and kids..
__
2-41)
Tailor these options for
responding effectively to common obnoxious
behaviors to fit your style and personality
__ 2-42) Consider
these options for exchanging feedback with
another person.
__ 2-43) Review these ideas about giving and receiving
advice
__ 2-44)
Consult these definitions of
over 70 useful relationship and family terms. Using the
right terms and phrases promotes mutual understanding and clarity.
Use this as a reference.
__ 2-45)
Experiment with these useful
communication phrases.
__ 2-46)Watch for chances to use these effective-communication
tips.
__ 2-47)
Learn how
gender differences can affect your communication
outcomes.
This is the study guide for the second of seven Break the Cycle!
self-improvement
Lessons. It
aims to help you think, communicate, and problem-solve more effectively.
Learn something about
yourself with this 1-question anonymous poll.
The Web address of this
guide is
http://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2.htm
Why Study This Lesson?
