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- grow a pro-grief family |
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A Sample Family
Grieving Policy
A Tool to Help You All Mourn
Well
By Peter K.
Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council
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The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/grief/policy.htm
Clicking links below will open a full win-dow or an informational popup, so
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display.
Premise - incomplete
grief in kids and adults is one of four or five major
for widespread personal and family stress and psychological and legal
divorce. That stems in part from wide-spread ignorance about bonding,
losses, and healthy mourning.
This self-improvement Lesson
is the third in a series. It aims to educate readers to
healthy grieving basics so they can spot and complete unfinished mourning of major losses
and reduce personal and family stress.
Benefiting from this Lesson requires
major progress on
- reducing psychological wounds.
Learn something about
your family by answering this anonymous
Premise - All persons and families evolve an unspoken "policy" on how
they "should" react to inevitable life losses (broken bonds). Policies
range from toxic (grief inhibiting) to healthy (grief promoting). Once you
identify your policy, you can update it if needed for better wholistic
health.
This article
illustrates a healthy family grieving "policy" - a written set of attitudes, beliefs, and guidelines that
adults can use to
guide all family members in mourning life losses more effectively.
The widespread alternative to evolving and using such a policy is to
take the process of grieving for granted. This risks (a) promoting the toxic effects of incomplete grief among family members
and their descendents,
and (b) leaving minor kids without healthy guidance on accepting their inevitable stream of
broken bonds.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
-
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises underlying it,
-
these five epidemic personal and
family hazards,
-
self study Lessons
-
this perspective on
interpersonal bonding,
-
this quiz
on grieving knowledge; and...
-
this
research summary on
"complicated" grief
|
Do you know anyone who intentionally uses a Good Grief policy?
As you read this sample, imagine how your other family adults would react to
it. Then consider what you all are teaching the young people in your life
about how to bond and mourn well.

Our Family's Good Grief Policy
Everyone in our
family has experienced broken emotional bonds
(losses) since early
childhood.
Losses
hurt. Grieving is Nature's way of healing our hurts, sadnesses, and
"holes" over time, so we each can regain our balances; make new bonds;
and move on.
Mourning is a normal, healthy reaction
when people of any age attach to, and later lose, precious things. Some big losses take
people years to mourn fully. This policy says clearly how we want to
help our family
members to mourn their losses. It defines healthy three-level grief, and guides us
all on how to lo-vingly help each other do it effectively.
1) We believe that the natural process of
mourning has three levels:
-
Emotional level - shock
hope
(maybe)
anger
or rage
deep sadness and
eventual
acceptance - but not forgetting; and...
-
Mental level - overcoming initial denial and "magic
thinking," and patiently converting
mental confusion into
understanding and acceptance by evolving credible answers to
some normal questions about our losses and their affects on the
people we care about; and gradually...
-
Spiritual level - regaining
and stabilizing our spiritual
faith if
it was weakened by our losses.
2) We also believe
that
adults and kids can get stuck or
blocked
in the grieving process if they dont feel safe enough to grieve. The
adults in each of our family homes are in charge of (a) grieving their
own losses
well; (b) making each of our homes a safe, supportive place to mourn, and (c)
helping each of us grieve well over time.
3) In our family,
we all strongly
believe it's good to
Accept
that attachments (bonds) and losses are a normal part of life, and that the
special people and things we lose will never come again in the same way;
And it's good to
get
clear on specifically...
Losing special
people (relationships), dreams, things, pets, customs, health, freedoms, places,
securities, rituals, roles, identity, privacy, and opportunities all can hurt a
lot!
And we believe
it's good to talk openly about prized things that are gone for good -
over and over
if we need to, until the hurt and anger and sadness stay down. The other half of talking is
listening with our hearts, without judgment, to
ourselves and each other. That really helps!
And we feel it's good
to
use
mourning language without guilt or embarrassment. It sounds like:
|
"I
hurt!"
"I'm
really sad!"
"I remember..."
"I'm not ready"
"I need..."
"I need a hug..." |
"I feel..."
"I miss _______
so much!"
"Not now"
"I am so
angry that..."
"I don't understand why..."
"If only..." |
"Goodbye, __________"
"I wish..."
"I've lost..."
"What will happen to ___"
"I remember ..."
"I'm grieving _____." |
And we feel it's good
to
cry alone and with each other, when we
need to. This is true for each of our boys, girls, women, and men. People who
feel
their anger and hurt - and cry it out - are naturally releasing stressful
chemicals, not "weak"! It can hurt our health to
block crying;
And it's good to
feel
and
express anger about our losses, as long
as we don't hurt our-selves, others, Life, the Earth, or important things.
This is part of the
we want
to help each other evolve and live by;
And
we believe it's good to
forgive
any person or Being who caused us to lose someone or something dear -
when we're
ready to. Forgiving is a good way to set ourselves and others free from old
anger, resentment, guilt, and stress;
And
it's good to remember
the people and things we've lost in our own ways, with love and appreciation. As
we come to accept our losses, some sorrow and sadness may stay - e.g. on
anniversaries;
And we believe it's good to
ask
for help from
God and each other when we need a hug
and/or an ear, to be held or
comforted, or some information about our losses or other people's feelings, opinions, or
beliefs;
It's also good to pray
for help or understanding or patience or strength or guidance - alone and together;
And to...
Invite
people in and outside our family to tell us honestly
if they feel burdened by us as we grieve, or if they can't listen to or support us at the
moment. It's OK to not help a griever, if we feel too distracted or weary!;
And it's good to
say
- and mean - "I did," and "I'm sorry" when
any of us
causes a painful loss to another; And to...
Act
to help ourselves and other family members move through our mourning phases. Each of us can
decide what things and memories we need to keep, which to let go of, and when to do
so. We can't decide these for someone else;
And
we strive to accept
that we can't heal another person's hurt, or fill the holes
in their life that losses make. We can patiently love, support, and be with them, as they fill these
holes themselves over time;
And we feel it's good to
understand
that
we really can't know what a mourner is feeling and thinking, even
if we've lost what they have. Saying "I know just how you feel" can be
disrespectful and aggravating, not comforting. Asking gently "what's this (loss) like
for you now?" - and really
- can be more helpful.
And it's good to
write
in a special diary or make a scrapbook about what we lost, what we miss, how we feel,
and anything else we need to do. If anyone does this, they can keep their writing private
without guilt or shame, or show it to people they trust;
And we support being alone with our own thoughts and
feelings as w mourn, as long as we don't overdo it. It
also really helps our grief progress when we
talk to trusted others about our
losses and our feelings;
And it's good to be
unique. No one has to mourn like anybody else: we each find our
own way
of saying goodbye and accepting our broken bonds when we're ready;
We will affirm
and encourage anyone whos grieving, if we choose to - and
we dont
have
to. Affirming can sound like:
"I feel really good that youre able to feel __________ / talk about
______________ /
cry about ____________________ / take your time with ________________ /
face __________________, ... Good job!"
And we will each experiment
and change how we mourn, over time - there's no perfect way!
And we'll learn
from our losses -
e.g. to really appreciate and enjoy the special people and things in
our lives while we have them;
And we'll help each other enjoy
life as best we can, and care well for ourselves while we mourn,
and after the confusion, hurt, and anger have faded;
And we'll get special (professional)
help, if any of us gets really stuck
in moving through their grief levels and phases.
The adults in each of our family homes are responsible for deciding if and when this should happen, and for doing it.
What We Believe
about Supporting Mourners
When any of
our family members has a significant loss, the others will try in their own ways and within
their limits to:
-
Understand and believe in our good grief process;
-
Ask our loser what they need from us from time to
time;
-
Be empathic, comforting, and available "enough";
-
Really listen from our hearts - often - without
trying to "fix" our griever;
-
Offer patient, warm acceptance and encouragement, without
rushing their process.
-
Honestly say when we've heard enough, or need to attend our
own affairs;
-
Be as steady, realistic, honest, and optimistic as we can;
-
Be at ease with strong feelings in us and our
Mourner;
-
Avoid yanking our Loser out of their feelings by asking too
many questions;
-
Hold and hug our Griever when needed, and respect their wish
to avoid these at other times;
-
Work towards knowing how and when to smile, laugh, and share
comfortable eye contact;
-
Be comfortable with shared silences;
-
Hold no secret bad feelings (like resentment) about giving of
our time and Selves;
-
When it seems OK, gently remind our mourner of the new choices
that always appear from their losses;
-
Make our home a
safe place for our family members and
others to grieve well;
-
Care for and love our Selves just as we do for our
Loser.
These statements
form our family policy on how we want to mourn our broken bonds. Using this policy is important to each of us,
because incomplete grief can make people stressed, unhappy, or even sick.

Notice how you
feel and where your thoughts go. Reflect for a moment on what the (probably unspoken) policy about grieving
was in your childhood and ancestors' homes. Compare it to this one. Reflect further on what the
mourning beliefs and practices are in your present home, and in key relatives' homes. What
do you think might happen if your family adults took the time to evolve and
a "pro-grief" policy like this one?
I caution you against using this
sample grief policy as it stands. Your policy
will best evolve through many family talks, meditations, and several
drafts. Perhaps outside counsel would add value. Allow your policy to grow and emerge as
your family develops.
As with family
brevity, simplicity,
and clarity help in evolving personal and family
anger and grieving policies
that are really useful. If you can distill your key grieving beliefs and goals down to
one
page - and then display that page (maybe signed by all, and/or framed) in a public
part of your home - it's more likely to work for you all!
This sample policy is longer because it
includes some points yours might not need.
Recap
This article is one of a series on healthy family grieving (Lesson 3). The series
exists because incomplete grief seems to be a major stressor for many
troubled people, relationships, and families. This probably
stems from widespread psychological
+ ignorance of healthy-grieving
basics.
This article provides a sample
family "good-grief" policy. If you change "we" to ",I" it
becomes a personal grieving policy. It follows two premises:
-
all families form an
unconscious policy (beliefs + values + rules + consequences)
on how to handle bonding and broken bonds "right," and...
-
most such policies are
ineffective or even harmful because of the inherited [wounds +
unawareness]
What is your family's
policy on mourning significant losses - and how healthy is it?
For
more awareness about bonding, losses, and good grief,
keep studying Lesson 3!
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get
what you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need?
Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's answering these
questions - your wise resident
or
Lesson 3
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Updated
January 13, 2012
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