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This is one of a
series
of articles in self-improvement Lesson 4 -
optimize your relationships. This subseries focuses on
improving primary relationships.
This YouTube video previews the key ideas in this article:
Stories abound in all ages and cultures about married women and men
having romantic and sexual liaisons ("affairs") with other partners.
Headlines and gossipers question why people risk their integri-ties,
reputations, families, and self esteem to have secret trysts and illicit
relationships. A common reaction is to sympathize with the betrayed mate,
and fault the betrayer and the "other wo/man."
This article offers a different perspective on...
why
typical affairs occur,
how to judge people who choose them, and
the article encourages you to...
understand the implications of these
ideas, and how to...
benefit from affairs in your
home, family, and family tree.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Web
site, and the premises underlying it
Do you know anyone who has had an affair? Have
you had one? History and headlines endlessly hint or trumpet ordinary and famous
people breaking vows of marital fidelity. Most (all?) religions and ancestral values proclaim that having an affair is
wrong, immoral,
and sinful.
How were you
taught to judge men and women who "cheat" on their mates? How about
judging professionals who become romantically and/or sexually involved
with a client, student, or patient? Typical opinions are that such people are
corrupt,
weak, shameful, immoral, despicable, sick, selfish, pitiful,
criminal, and irresponsible. What are your favorite
adjectives? How would each of the adults who raised you describe
someone involved in an affair? Did any of themor their ancestors
"cheat"?
I
write this brief perspective because many of my ~1,000 therapy clients
have described being affected directly or indirectly by affairs. These men
and women usually focused on
(a) their reactions to the affair/s, and/or (b)
judging the persons involved, not what caused them.
I have never met one person who tried
to compassionately understand the primary
needs of the adults affected by an affair. Failure to do this blocks
the chance to identify and correct the personal and marital reasons for an affair, and increases family
stress and
dysfunction.
Premises
See how you feelabout these ideas...
adults and kids act (behave) to fillneeds -
i.e. toreducecurrentemotional, physical, and spiritual
discomforts and to experience short-term pleasure.
most adults and all kids are unaware
of the unfilled
primary needs that
usually cause their
conscious surface (secondary) needs.
any day, a person (like you) can learn to use
inner and
social awareness and
clear thinking to
dig down below surface needs to identify
and fill the underlying primary needs. Learning to do this is part of
Lesson 2 in this Web site; and...
effectiveproblem-solving between two people (like mates) happens when both
want to ...
learn how to use effective-communication
basics and
skills, and
want to...
help each other identify and fill their respective
primary needs in a mutually-satisfying way.
If
you disagree with any of these premises, what do you believe?
In
31 years' clinical experience working with hundreds
of typical Midwestern-U.S. persons and couples,
I
estimate that
under ~5% of them knew how to problem-solve
effectively. This was usually because they were
(a) unaware of significant psychological
wounds, and (b)
they didn't know they needed to
learn effective-communication basics.
Could this describe you?
Typical
Surface Reasons (Needs) for
Affairs
Try completing this sentence out loud: "Typical people choose to have
affairs because ____________.": Then compare your reasons to these premises:
They (their dominant subselves)
...
want excitement and adventure, in an otherwise dull or
boring life or marriage;
want to feel desirable and sexually potent with an
attractive partner;
hope sexual desire and behavior will fill a desperate
need for love, intimacy, and companionship;
want to (re)experience the "thrill of the chase" and
"succeeding," and/or being seduced;
want sensual pleasure and sexual release they're not
getting from their mate;
act impulsively, rather than making a well-considered decision;
"don't know why"
they choose the affair, do it anyway, and usually regret it;
And/or
people choose to have affairs because they...
want to hurt or "make a point with" their partner or
someone else, despite harmful con-sequences; or they...
want to defy social, religious, parental, and/or ancestral
rules to prove "I am independent!" to someone; and/or they...
feel sorry for the new partner and want to
rescue or help him or her; or they...
want to avoid facing the painful realities of aging and what that
means; and/or...
several of these.
(add your own reasons) ...
I propose that
noneof these are the primary reasons for
typical romantic/sexual affairs. If
this is so, then focusing on them
them will not fill the primary needs that cause an affair - and may
amplify stresses.
To
benefit from affairs personally and as a couple, mates must want to
identify the...
PrimaryReasons for Affairs
Surface reasons for romantic-sexual affairs (above) are usually
caused by primary factors like these:
1) One or
both original partners have been ruled by a false self, and no one knew it. That means...
The couple's
unseen false self
wounds +
courtship
neediness +
unawareness + idealisms (dis-tortions)
may
have caused one or both to marry the
wrong
person, for the
wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time. This
usually means...
their relationship could
never fill their primary needs well enough
after courtship illusions and excitement inevitably fade, and...
increasing psychological and/or sexual dissatisfaction and frustrations are inescapable;
Possibly
one or both partners
were so psychologically wounded
they could not
bond with
their (or any) mate, so they pretended to bond ("pseudo intimacy").
This means that neither partner gets their core
marital needs met. It also means that the mate initiating the affair
may have felt there was no real commitment to betray, and nothing of value
to lose. And possibly...
The "betrayed" partner was
not finisherd
mourning prior
losses
(broken bonds), so s/he could not really
bond. So their partner eventually began looking for relationship satisfaction
with another person, because neither mate knew of (a) false-self woundings or
blocked
grief, and (b) how to reduce each of those via
Lesson 1
and
Lesson 3.
And
false-self dominance may have meant...
Either or both of the original partners had psychological and/or organic
malfunctions with their sexual desire or with normal sexual responses.
Once admitted, these are often correctable with
skilled help - specially if the mates are working to
free
their true selves as empathic teammates.
The
personality
subselves ruling the mate
who took part in the affair
were burdened with excessive
shame and/or
fears, and could not
risk honesty with their mate about thinking about or
having an affair. Once the affair started, these dominant subselves'
combined shame,
guilt, and fears
to over-come the true Self's wish to be
self-responsible and honest with the other mate, so s/he "lied." ("I am
not having an affair!")
There
may be
other false-self dynamics that can add to these.
2) The second
primary reason for any affair is that the original
(wounded, unaware) couple
doesn't know communication
basics and the seven
communication
skills.
Therefore, they couldn't
(a)
identify
and
assert their
primary needs effectively
or (b) do win-win
problem-solving to help each other fill their
needs as teammates. They also couldn't assess
and resolve their mix of communication
blocks.
Can you name the seven skills and
when to use each of them? If mates are dominated by false selves, even if
they know these skills, they'll still have ineffective
communication because their subselves will often broadcast and perceive 1-up or 1-down
R(espect-messages).
3) The third
real reason for an affair is that the third adult (a) has
unfilled primary needs, and (b) is also ruled
by a false self and doesn't know it. Various needy subselves - like
the
Shamed Child, Lonely Child, Lusty One, Whore/Stud,
and
Magician
- use
reality distortion to justify the
deception, betrayal, and damage to all adults and kids involved.
4) For some
mates, a fourth reason for affairs is that if s/he seeks relationship help before the
affair, the professional/s s/he or they hire (a) focuses on surface problems like
those above, and (b) may be ruled by a false self also.
+ + +
Bottom line: typical sexual/romantic affairs are really caused by (a)
one or more of the people being controlled by a needy false self and not
knowing it, and (b) the original couple not knowing how to identify and
assert their unfilled primary needs and problem-solve
effectively together. These factors may have caused one or both mates to
make up to three unwise courtship choices.
Notice your
reactions to this premise. Does it make sense to you? If not, have you
taken the time to follow the
reading links at
the top of this article and reality-test the ideas they
present? Is your true Self (capital
"S")
reading
this article?
Implications
If the
premise above is true, consider...
People choosing an
affair are psychologically wounded,
needy, and in protective denial - notsick, selfish, immoral, weak,
shameful, sinful, irresponsible, etc.
The betrayed partner usually owns half the
primary relationship
problem, vs. charging "It's all my mate's (or the third adult's)
fault."
Fighting over who's to blame for an affair is like trying to prove who
caused Winter to happen.
Shaming or scorning a person who chooses an affair and
lies about it is equivalent to saying someone with cancer or Alzheimer's
disease is morally corrupt and despicable.
Adults and kids lie when they feel it's
not safe to tell the truth. Staying safe is a survival reflex, not
"good or bad." Wounded people still must confront the
results of their
wounds, unawareness, and behaviors...
Striving to "fix" any of the surface problems
above
(i.e. the symptomsof the primary problems)can never
succeed, long term.
The real fix is to commit to...
Originally committing to the wrong mate, for the wrong reasons, at
the wrong time can be endured but not "fixed."
Mates who use
pornography to satisfy unfilled primary-relationship needs are
often motivated like partners who have affairs; and...
Typical mates will need to work patiently
together to (re)gain genuine trust as part of
their growing from an affair.
A final implication of the "Bottom line" premise above is...
Mates who divorce because of an affair may
miss the opportunities to learn from it, and to improve their wholistic health
and their family's nurturance level. This promotes passing the lethal
[wounds + unawareness]
cycle down their
generations, and harming their descendents.
Recap
This article exists because of...
the universal human reality of some committed partners
choosing romantic / sexual affairs,
the personal and family stress that causes
and results from affairs, and...
the common reaction to blame such
people rather than seek to understand ...
the wounds and unfilled needs that cause
typical affairs, and
how reduce the wounds and fill these needs in healthy ways.
The article's basic premise is that adults who participate in affairs are
needy, wounded, and un-aware, not bad, self-centered, selfish, immoral, weak,
or sinful. They are not getting some important needs met in their primary
relationship. This does not excuse them from owning responsibility for the
hurtful effects of their behaviors on themselves, family members, and
others.
Major implications of this premise include (a) the betrayed mate is always one third
of the problem, and (b) typical
romantic and sexual affairs are an opportunity to learn and heal,
rather than whine, com-plain, rage, scorn, punish, blame, divorce, and deny their
three primary
causes.
In order to accept these premises and apply them,
all affected adults need to want to
take respon-sibility for (a) keeping their true Selves
in charge of their
other personality subselves, and for (b) reducing any
ignorance and false-self
wounds. Often that doesn't occur until wounded men and women have hit true
bottom
in midlife or later.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
do
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's
answering
these
questions - your wise resident
true Self or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/affairs.htm
Premises