|
Lecture
Seethe
Explain
Confront
Cry |
Chastise
Laugh
Defend
Blow
up
Apologize |
Ignore
Debate
Blame
Argue
Leave |
Numb or
tune out
Feel
hurt and resentful
Whine
/ Complain
Defend
Feel
guilty and/or angry |
Responses like these seldom meet both
persons' needs. Can you think of
someone who responds to criticism
effectively? How would you describe the
way they respond? How do you usually
respond?
Perspective
Think of someone you feel is "often
critical." How would you describe
"criticism" to an average pre-teen? Here, it
means "expressing an opinion about whether
someone or something is good or bad, or
right or wrong."
What makes the difference between
constructive and destructive criticism? How
do you usually feel when someone
criticizes you? When they criticize
themselves? When they criticize other
people? Four factors shape the answers...
what
is being criticized - e.g. something
that can be changed, or something that's
beyond control;
how
the criticism is expressed - kindly,
harshly, sarcastically, rigidly,
respectfully or not, indirectly or
directly, calmly or aggressively,
privately or publicly, humorously or
soberly, etc.
what
the critic's motives seem to be -
e.g. to improve something, to complain
or whine, to put someone or something
down, to avoid painful reality or
responsibility, etc.; and...
whether
you feel the critic is qualified
to judge or not.
We'll look at responses to five common
situations: someone is...
-
over-critical "all the time"
-
excessively
critical of
you
-
excessively
critical of themselves,
-
excessively
critical about a child or another adult;
and...
-
not
qualified to criticize, in your
opinion.
General Response Guidelines
These options apply in all situations:
-
your
true Self
of your
-
Get clear on
(a) what bothers you - specifically, and
on (b) what you
-
Check to see
that you have a
and a two-person
-
Refresh
yourself on the principles of (a)
offering effective
feedback, and
(b) how to
assert and
listen
effectively.
If you aren't
confident about these factors, delay your
response until you are - or lower your
expectations.
Specific Response Guidelines
Notice the themes of these options,
rather than using them as "absolutes."
Someone
is
Overcritical in General
How do you feel around an adult or
child who constantly finds fault with other
people? S/He may or may not also whine,
complain, and be gloomy, cynical, and/or
pessimistic ("be
negative"). Typical feelings may include
frustration, impatience, weariness, dislike,
"discomfort," and irritation. Whatever your
feelings, name and use them in a respectful
like this:
"(Name), when you need to be so critical
of _________, I
feel _______________, and its
hard for me to listen to you."
You may
add something like
"I need you to cut
back on (or ...be aware of...)
criticizing so much."
Or "If you
keep doing that, I'm going to call
you on it every time." (or some
other consequence).
This is a more
respectful and factual, and less provocative
response than something like "Why are you so
critical all the time?" and "You're critical
of everyone. I get real tired of hearing
that all the time."
As with any assertion, expect the person to
defend, explain, deny,
minimize, explode, whine, play helpless ("I
can't help it"), criticize you, etc. When
they're done, use empathic listening to
validate that you heard them. Then restate
your assertive I-message calmly, firmly,
with steady eye contact.
Someone
is
Overcritical of
You
Do you know anyone whom you feel is
excessively critical of you as a person,
wo/man, mate, friend, child, parent,
sibling, neighbor, or co-worker? How do you
feel about that trait? How do you normally
react? Does that improve or degrade your
relationship?. Typical ineffective responses
include enduring, arguing, blowing up,
denying, hinting, counter-blaming, moaning,
crying, raging, analyzing, explaining, and
tuning out.
Better response-options -
"(Name), are
you aware of how often you criticize
me?"
"Instead
of criticizing me, I need you to tell me
what you need from me."
"When
you need to criticize me about
(something specific), I feel
____________.
"So will you
(some unfilled need/s) with me?"
A specially challenging case is when your
parent or grandparent criticizes you without
learning enough about you or accepting your
right to be differ from them. Optional
responses include...
"I see
(the conflicted thing) differently than
you do."
"We have a
major values conflict here."
"Will
you agree to disagree on this?"
"When you find fault with me without
trying to understand my situation, I
feel resentful,
hurt, and angry."
"I
feel your expectations of me are
unrealistic."
See
these wise
for more perspective.
If you have trouble remembering responses
like these - or feel anxious, guilty, or
ambivalent about them, a false self probably
dominates you. See
Someone
is
Overcritical of
Themselves
Most of us are self-critical at times. How
do react when someone faults themselves? Do
you want to reassure them? ("C'mon -
everyone makes mistakes.") Correct them?
("Don't be so hard on yourself!")
Analyze? ("Why are you beating yourself up?"
Discount their feelings? (You shouldn't feel
so bad.") People who are overly
self-critical may be
of childhood trauma. If so, well -meant
responses like these risk the person feeling
discounted (unheard), misunderstood, guilty,
and ashamed.
Better response options:
"(Name), when you need to criticize
yourself so often, I feel
_____________."
"(Name), when you need to criticize
yourself so often, it's hard to be with
you."
"I feel
badly when your
and
need to shame your Inner Kids."
"When
you fault yourself all the time, I feel
frustrated and lose respect for you."
"Instead of criticizing yourself so
much, I need you to ______________."
"I
don't accept your apology, because I'm
not offended by your behavior."
For
response-options to someone who feels
inferior, see this
after you finish here.
Someone
is
Overcritical of a Child or Another Adult
Can you think of someone who seems
extra-critical of a particular person? How
do you feel about that? Detached?
Judgmental? Protective? Ambivalent?
Argumentative? Righteous? Resigned? Your
reaction probably depends on who the people
are and what their relationship to you is -
e.g. you'd feel different if your sister was
overcritical of her child compared to a
stranger criticizing your town's Mayor.
A
key factor in choosing a response here is
what you expect of yourself in this
situation - your
If your
moral code is "It's none of my business,"
then no overt response is needed. If your
moral code is something like "That's not
fair!" or "That's child
you need to respond to honor your values and
preserve your self respect.
Because "unfair criticism" and "verbal
abuse" are emotionally provocative,
confirming that your true Self is
is specially important here. Otherwise you
risk sparking a fight or uproar. In
important situations...
-
affirm
everyone's personal
rights,
-
review what
constitutes verbal abuse and the steps
to make an effective
-
avoid
divisive Persecutor - Victim - Rescuer
and...
-
get clear
on...
-
what
specific needs you're filling by
responding (what outcome you seek),
and...
-
whether
you have a
or not. If you don't, suspect a
false self has disabled your Self,
and lower your expectations.
These important preparations will probably
take just a few seconds.
Response Options:
"(Name), sounds like you're really
(upset / angry / disapproving /
frustrated / disappointed / disgusted,
etc.) with _____________." This
is a respectful affirmation, not
condoning their behavior.
"Are
you aware of how often you criticize
_______________?
"What
needs are you trying to fill by being so
critical of ________?"
"When
you need to be so vocally critical of
_________, I feel ___________...
Option: ..."and I
lose respect for you."
"What
do you need (or expect) from
______________ (the criticized person)?"
"Are
you aware that you're promoting
excessive
in this child?"
"(Name), I feel you're verbally abusing
this child. If you don't reduce your
excessive criticism now, I'm
going to (take a specific action)."
Don't say this unless you mean
it!
With any responses like these,
expect
the other person to react with denial,
resentment, anger, disrespect, blame,
explanations, or justifications. Use
with such responses - and
then repeat your response calmly and with
steady eye contact. repeat this cycle until
something changes.
Again, these are response options,
not absolutes. The themes are to (1) honor
your integrity, (2) respectfully give the
critic the chance to judge the impact of
their attitude and behavior, and (3) possibly
protect the criticized one.
Can
you imagine responding like this to an
excessively critical adult or child? If not
- what's the risk?
Another common situation occurs when you
feel...
Someone
is Not Qualified to Criticize
In your opinion, what does it take to be
qualified? Can a non-parent criticize a
parent? Can a middle-class adult criticize
a homeless person? Dose a Catholic woman
from Idaho know enough to criticize an
Egyptian Muslim man? Can an eight-year old
child criticize a policewoman? Is an atheist
qualified to criticize a Buddhist?
Can you think of examples in your life where
someone you felt wasn't qualified criticized
someone or something? Criticized you?
What did you feel, and how did you
react? Native Americans advise us to "Walk a
mile in someone's moccasins (before you
judge them)."
Response
Options
The easiest choice is to keep your opinion
to yourself - specially if the criticism
doesn't involve you or someone you care
about. If it does, check yourself for a
mutual-respect attitude. Then...
-
use respectful empathic listening
to demonstrate you hear the critic
clearly - e.g. "So you think my sister
was criminal for having an abortion." (a
statement, not a question).
-
then with
good eye contact, assert your opinion:
"(Name), you
don't know my sister or the
circumstances causing her and her husband
to choose abortion. I don't think you're
qualified to judge them."
-
Expect the
critic to "resist" (argue, debate,
explain, defend, disagree...), and use
empathic listening to show that you
heard them. Then restate your opinion
calmly, firmly, and without wordy
explanations.
Other options:
"(Name),
when you criticize ______________
without enough information or
experience to justify your opinion, I
lose respect for you."
Or...
"When you
need to make black/white criticisms
without trying to understand the other
person's situation, I tune you out."
Or...
"When you
make disrespectful (or uninformed)
judgments of ___________, I don't take
your opinion seriously."
Or more
bluntly...
"I don't
think you know enough to have an opinion
about _______."
Or...
"What needs are you filling by
criticizing ____________ without knowing
more?"
Or...
"(Name), I don't agree with you on
that." or "I see it
differently."
Or...
"I suspect
your false self is making that criticism
without knowing enough about it."
Notice that these responses avoid a
lose-lose argument about "fairness" and a
"Yes, but..." debate, and an inflammatory "I
think you're wrong (or unreasonable),
because..." challenge.. How do these
responses compare to you how you usually
react to an unqualified critic? Can you
think of someone you'd like to try these
with? How do you think the critic would
react to each of them?
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/critical.htm