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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 6
- learn what typical kids need as they grow, and how to fill their needs
effectively over two decades without neglecting yourself.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this nonprofit Web site. and the
premises underlying it
This brief video offers perspective on effective parenting:
Premises - most parents are
Without admitting and correcting these, they unintentionallypass on
wounds and unawareness to their kids. This ancestral bequest is silent,
lethal, and spreading in global cultures, because of the public's wounds, unawareness, and
From this perspective, effective (vs. good or bad) parents want to...
learn and monitor each young child's
developmental and special needs; and...
place steady high priority on guarding
minor kids and grandkids from
inheriting ancestral [wounds +
The range of major
suggests that most parents are failing at
this, and that the public condones this failure. Do you agree?
Since the early 1980's, fresh perspectives on "effective parenting" have
emerged from the U.S. Inner child / Adult Child / Dysfunctional
Family movement. The ideas below reflect this. The ideas are
offered as food for thought and discussion, not rigid absolutes.
In this Web site, "a parent" is anyone who
has ongoing responsibility for protecting, guiding, and nurturing
a minor child toward adult independence over time. In this sense,
or "stepparent" is a role (a set of
goals, responsibilities, and rules),
not a person. Ideally, men and women who choose the
role of parent (and grandparent)
find ongoing satisfaction in trying to fill the dynamic needsof each child in their
care as well as their own needs.
Premise: An effective
children toward eventually...
leaving home with tolerable anxiety, and becoming...
a balanced, healthy, self-responsible, self-nurturing, "happy,"
productive adult and citizen, who may choose to...
become a satisfied mate and an
effective parent themselves.
This two-decade process involves filling a mosaic of
changing physical, emotional,
mental needsin each growing child
("nurturing"), and helping them develop over 20 things like
those below. Option - after you read the list, reread it and rank-order each goal's importance
in your situation - e.g.
H(igh), M(edium), or L(ow). These
sample goals are not ranked or ordered.
Option: use this as a checklist to see how you're doing with your
of these objectives you agree with, which you'd redefine, and which don't fit for you.
Also: which of these did you get? Give? Which evoke the strongest feelings
in you? Why? Discussing these with your family adults
can be very useful.
teach them the concepts and words to help them think about and
describe these awarenesses accurately.This includes...
modeling and teaching youngsters how to
empathize with others' feelings and needs.
2) Instill a clear, healthy
sense of personal
boundaries: "This is who I am; what I like,
need, believe, and hope for; and how and where I differ from you."
This parenting goal includes developing the child's abilities to clearly say "No,"
"Yes," "Stop," and "I want and need..."
anxiety, guilt, or shame, and with respect for other peoples' equal
rights and boundaries;
3) Instill the unshakable
lovable, valuable, unique, and important in the world, simply because I'm
Me. Imatter, and so does every other person!" Effective parents help kids to value their own worth, dignity, wants, needs,
ideas, dreams, and feelings as being just as important as (not more important than)
any other person's.
This implies patiently helping each small child, who first feels weak,
"dumb," clumsy, and dependent, to eventually replace their normal feelings of
shame, inadequacy, and self-doubt with healthy self respect and realistic
self confidence. Did your parents do that for you?;
4) Instill healthy core valuesthat the child grows to
understand, believe, can name, and uses as guides for
safe, satisfying daily living and growth.These may include honesty, diligence; courage; creativity;
Self care is good; respect my Self and others equally; sensitivity; balance work, play,
and rest daily; honor; try new things; nurture myself, others, and our Earth; and many more...
Parenting Goal 5) Build kids' trust...
in their own perceptions,
that caregivers, most authorities, and true friends will
consistently support (vs. attack, use, abuse, or ignore) them.
This implies learning how to discipline kids firmly and lovingly;
and build their trust...
that the world is generally safe, where there's
This parenting goal also includes developing a
child’s abilities to (a) decide "Who merits my trust?," and
(b) to act on that, without undue
fear, anxiety, or shame. A common psychological wound is an
inability to trust wisely, and not knowing that or how to
6) Effective parents develop each childs...
awareness and appreciation of their unique
talents and limitations; and their...
motivation and ability to keep developing these
gifts on their
own, and to...
use them productively in the world
and to enjoy the results.
realistic self confidence, based on the
growing skills, achievements, talents, and limitations;
And over time, effective
parents strive to,,.
8) Help kids to (a) accept
their inevitable limitations and failures without undue frustration, guilt, or shame;
and (b) help them to see that most "mistakes" are chances to learn. And
9) Encourage kids to grow steady faiththat (a) their life has real meaning, definable purposes, and attainable objectives,
and that (b) there is a benign (vs. conditionally-loving or punitive)
universe providing reliable guidance and support in times of trouble and peace;
10) Help children grow skills in
thinking, communicating, and
include: (a) the art of comfortably giving and receiving merited praise, and
(b) noticing and managing
internal and interpersonal
conflicts. Lesson 2 here shows how to do this essential task;
Goal 11) Grow kids'
non-arrogant pride in their personal uniqueness and achievements, and equally
valuing and accepting these in others. This implies that an effective parent
doesn't require their child to be a clone or god/ess;
permission to clearly express current thoughts, feelings, and needs -
with discretion, and without undue anxiety,
guilts, or shame. This implies
teaching a child how to...
13) feel, manage,
and safely express emotions likeanger, fear,
confusion, lust, embarrassment and shame, frustration, guilt, sorrow, and hurt;
and teaching them to
Grow their ability togrieve theirinevitable life losses (broken bonds) well, on all
three levels. Most adults weren't
taught how to do this, which is why Lesson 3 exists here.
parents help their kids grow...
Interest in, and reverence for, our biosphere (vs. abuse or indifference); and
grow the motivation and
abilities to (c) learn how the world works, and to (d) apply their learnings
constructively, within their limits; and...
Goal 16) Instill appreciation
and healthy self-careof their mind, spirit, and body, no
matter what it's form. This includes learning and Self-motivated practice of
healthy personal hygiene, nutrition, and balanced rest, work, and exercise;
And effective parents seek to...
17) Instill the abilities
tosocialize and cooperate willingly and harmoniously with selected others, without
neglecting their own needs;
18) Seek and
accept helpwhen needed, without resentment or feeling like an imposer, wimp,
or weakling; and teach kids to...
(vs. toxic) relationships with nurturing others, based on mutual love, trust, respect,
and support rather than neediness, fear, control, or power. This goal includes nurturing each
child's ability to exchange true intimacy,which depends partly on
courage to risk rejection and
And an effective parent tries to...
20) Help kids accept and appreciate themselves as
spiritual and sexualbeings, and consistently
wholistically-healthy behaviors and limits in each
Goal 21) Help kids be clear on what
and femininity are in themselves and others in their culture, and to be comfortable with their own
gender and gender preference. This
implies helping each child to learn "What do (healthy) grown women and men do in
many situations, and how do I get to be like that safely?";
22) See that
each child gets the best general and special education available, and
to love learning. "Education" includes learning how to manage money and
debts, manage a home and vehicle, and find and keep a rewarding job and/or
clear on the process, responsibilities, realities, and joys
and/or parenting children; and (b) grow a high integrity and commitment to raising their
own kids (if any) toward many of these long-term parenting goals.
24) Adults in typical multi-home
divorcing families and
stepfamilies have many extra adult and
child adjustment needs to identify and
juggle. Effective parents
will want to study, adapt, and apply Lessons 1 thru 7 before their
25) The overarching
goals of effective parents are to patiently guide each child's
personality subselves to...
true Self (capital
make effective life decisions, and to...
let go of depending on others'
ruling subselves to make their decisions for them. This is the core of
developing genuine adult self-responsibility, and the
essence of what it means to "grow up."
parents guard their children against developing psychological
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and notice your thoughts and feelings. Have you ever seen such specific
child-nurturance targets in one place before? How do
you feel? Would you edit or delete any of them? If you rewrite this list and make it yours,
you'll have the draft of a valuable parenting
job description to guide you and to tell others what you're trying to do
as a responsible parent.
These sample goals apply to any child-caretaker, including grandparents,
aunts, uncles, sitters, nannies, day-care staff, clergy, coaches,
counselors, and classroom teachers.
Option: review the list, and rank order them - e.g. most
important > moderately important > least important.
Reflect - how many of these 25 goals did
you get consistently as a young child and teen?
__ less than 10 __ 10
to 15 __ more than 15. How has that affected you as an adult?
How many of these goals are you and
your family adults pursuing intentionally with your young people now?
__ less than 10 __ 10
to 15 __ more than 15.
If your family adults need to upgrade your
long-term parenting goals, what
do you need to change - specifically?
The list of caregiving
objectives above illustrates why family-life
experts believe effective parenting is among the toughest, most important, and
rewarding of all human endeavors. This importance is magnified, because every
grown child impacts a great fan of hundreds of people in their lifetime.
What do you suppose
children who dont get consistent, loving adult help (nurturance) to
meet their developmental needs and these goals? Do you know
anyone who didn't get
This is one of a series of Web articles devoted to exploring effective
parenting, which is the key to
breaking the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
on typical kids' developmental needs,
the article proposes 25 specific goals that
informed caregivers can work towards to
evolve a Grown Nurtured Child (GNC).
Achieving these goals is most likely if all family adults and supporters
have studied and discussed
Lessons 1 thru 6