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This is one of a series of articles in Lesson 4 - optimize your relationships. These articles build on Lessons 1 - 3, and prepare
you for Lesson 5 (evolve and enjoy a nourishing family) and Lesson 6 (learn
to practice effective parenting).
"Follow the three R's: Respect for self, Respect for
others,
and Responsibility for all your actions."
- the Dalai Lama
Do you - or does someone you care about - have "low self esteem"? Would you like
to raise your self respect and learn how to react to people who don't think
much of themselves - or you? Read on...
Contents
perspective on self respect
and mutual respect, including the roots of low self
esteem;
improving your respect
for another person; and options for...
re/gaining someone's respect
for you.
This article assumes you're
familiar with...
the intro to
this nonprofit Web site and the premises
under-lying it
Try saying your definition of respect out loud now. Then think of
yourself and another person you value, and thought-fully rank each of these items from 1 (“very
low”) to 10 (“very high”). Notice your thoughts and feelings
as you do.
My recent respect for
myself as
a person: ___
My recent respect for myself as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for myself as
an adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for myself as
a parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
self-respect has grown / declined / not changed
My recent respect for
you as a
person: ___
My recent respect for
you as
a fe/male: ___
My recent respect for you as a
adult: ___
Option: my recent respect for you as a
parent: ___
In the last
six months, my
respect for you has grown / declined / not changed
Estimate how
your special person would
answer each of the above.
I feel some mix of
calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so my
true Self is probably
leading my
other subselves now. (True
/ False / I'm not sure). If not "True," your answers above may be
distorted.
Pause and reflect
- what are you aware of now? Do you see
anything above that you want to change?
Respect 101
Think of two or more living or dead
adults that you highly respect (vs. like or need). Now think
of several adults or kids that you don't respect. Reflect - what's
different about these people? This will illuminate your current criteria
for respect. Did you include yourself in either of these groups?
Premise - All
human relationships are shaped by the primal need to feel
worthy, valued, proud,important, and good –
i.e.
respectable. For our purposes, let's say thatrespect is a
spontaneous earned (vs. "deserved") attitude of approval and admiration
of some aspects of yourself or another person. It is an essential
ingredient of self and mutual
love.
The opposite of respect is indifference, scorn, disdain, rejection, revulsion, and/or
disgust. Some people label all these together as hate. Paradoxically, we can
dislike a person and still respect
some qualities about them - or like and disrespect them at the same time.
Have you ever felt that?
Shame-based People
Self
respect begins in early childhood if caregivers respect themselves, and
family nurturance is high enough. The more common alternative in America is
shame - a crippling
childhood
belief that “I am unworthy, bad, incompetent, and unlovable.”
Without
awareness and skilled help,
childhood shame migrates intact into adulthood. Shame ranges from local
(e.g. “I’m a bad cook”) to global (“I’m a worthless person.”), and from
normal to excessive.
Normal (healthy) shame and guilt
help us regulate
our attitudes and behaviors.
Most kids in
low-nurturance childhoods
develop a powerfulShamed Child personality subself. To adapt, we also develop several fierce
Guardian subselves who protect
and comfort our intense Shamed Child. Typical Guardians are the
Egotist, Critic, Fantasizer, Magician, (reality distorter),
People Pleaser, Martyr, Saint, Bully, Star,
Liar, Numb-er, Addict, Loner, Avoider, Blocker, andothers.
These normal personality parts can also guard
a Guilty Child, Scared Child, and Lost Child. If the Shamed Child
and related Guardians often control the person’s
true Self (capital "S"), the child or adult may be called
shame-based.
My clinical experience
since 1981 suggests that many American adults are shame-based (wounded) people who don’t (want to) know
that.
Until they choose to admit this and to intentionally grow self-respect, non-egotistical
pride, and
self love, they
risk unintentionally raising shame-based kids as their wounded
ancestors did. Do you know any parents or grandparents who are doing that?
Once aware of low self respect, you can intentionally improve it over time. Doing
this is learning to
value and act from your
integrity
and overcome significant guilts ("I'm too self-centered!") and anxieties
("I'll be disliked and rejected!").
Strengthening self respect is
a major benefit of working at
Lesson 1 here.
How do you feel about these premises? Could they apply to
you and other adults and kids you care about?
Degrees of Respect
Respectfor a
person is a spontaneous (earned) attitude of significant approval, admiration, and appreciation. Respect can vary from...
global ("I respect
everything about Tanya") to...
situational ("Manuel did an outstanding job
handling the crisis."), to respecting one or more...
traits, abilities, and/or
roles ("Pat is such a gifted musician.")
Can you think of examples of all three levels
among the adults and kids you know?
Criteria for Respect
Over time, we grow criteria for awarding respect,
starting with standards we learn from our early caregivers and hero/ines. We (our
ruling personality subselves) ceaselessly measure ourselves and other people against these
criteria. Is that your experience? Try
saying your criteria for "respectability" out loud - "I respect
people who..."
My
criteria are awareness, courage, strength, resilience, determination, caring, responsibility,
realistic
optimism, reliability, integrity, open-mindedness, dignity, empathy, pride,
awareness, compassion, spirituality, humor, creativity, resourcefulness,
forgiveness, honesty, humility, wisdom, simplicity, and living on purpose. I've never met anyone with all these traits, and still know many
people I greatly respect.
My shame-based father would have emphasized hard worker,
superior,disciplined, persistent, competitive,
creative, decisive,
professional, logical, humorous, and stoic. I have no idea what my Mother's criteria
for respect were. Can you name your parents' criteria? If so, how do they
compare to yours?
Respect and Communication
After ~50 years' study, I conclude that people communicate
with themselves and others to fill a dynamic mix of up to
five needs. Perhaps the most
powerful is the quenchless need to feel respected enough now and over
time by (a) yourself and (b) important others.
Our
personality subselves constantly
judge others' esteem for us by decoding
"R(espect) messages" from their behavior.
Communication may (vs. will) be
effective only when
each adult or child gets a credible mutual-respect ("=/=") message from the
other. Do you agree?
Recall the last time you felt scorned, distrusted, discounted, rejected, ignored,
humiliated, belittled, invaded, abused, accused, blamed, criticized,
cut off, interrupted,
and dismissed - i.e. disrespected. Remember how that felt?How old were
you when you first experienced these from another person? If you have kids,
when did they first experience these?
Premise:
If you and
other people
don't feel consistently respected enough by yourselves and each other, your
relationship will be stressful and may decay. Do you agree?
This
video clip introduces what you're about to read...
To intentionally convert shame
to genuine
self respect, healthy pride, and self-love, it helps to understand…
The Roots of Low Self Esteem
(Shame)
Core shame or self-respect
begin in a
child's earliest years before language develops.
Whether shame or healthy pride develops is directly proportional to who leads
their parents’
personalities.
Adults guided by their
true Selves
usually rear kids who think well of themselves and other people. Excessive (vs. normal) shame has wryly been called “the gift that goes on giving.”
Behavioral
symptoms
of a shame-based personare unmistakable:
avoiding appropriate eye contact; compulsive
defensiveness; excessive fear of failure; chronic
lying,
poor personal
hygiene and health (self-neglect), addiction, including
codependence,
obesity;
Narcissism,
"egotism," self-mutilation; living below potentials; and over-apologizing.
Anyone come to mind as you read these traits?
Inner Critic
and Shamed Inner Child/ren
The personality of shame-based adults and
kids is significantly shaped by a tireless
Inner Critic
(also called the Shamer) and one or more Shamed Child/ren.
When ever the Critic activates, this intense young subself
floods the
host person with
agonizing semi-conscious thoughts, feelings, and images which imply "I am
a worthless, unlovable, flawed, bad person / male
/ female / child."
For (illogical) reasons, your InnerCritic feels s/he
must acidly emphasize your endless shameful failings, mistakes,
stupidities, blunders, and ineptnesses "for your own good!" S/He does
this through relentless thoughts and images. Meditation often discloses
that your Critic's "voice" (thought streams) sounds like
an early caregiver. Can you here "the voice" now?
If a subself or other person dares to challenge
our obvious worthlessness and unlovability ("You're such a great person!"), the Critic
relentlessly refreshes the old “truth” ("No way! Remember when you totally screwed up
by...”). If your Inner Critic is overactive, study Hal and Sidra Stone’s
useful book “Embracing
Your Inner Critic.”
Other Subselves
A typical Inner Critic has several powerful
teammates. Your tireless
Perfectionist subself
insists...
"Perfect behavior is the lowest acceptable standard.
It deserves no praise whatsoever. Anything less, I'm gonna go get the Critic.
And s/he has a l-o-o-n-g memory..."
Your
Skeptic/Pessimist
and/or
Cynic/Doubter constantly
guard your
Inner Kids against re-experiencing the
agony of dashed hopes by ceaselessly insisting "You
won't (or can’t) succeed / get loved / please others / get healthier / stay
safe..."
And perhaps you have a
tireless Worrier subselfwhose life mission is to generate shrill uncertain-ties and second guesses
about every decision and action you make. Its well-intentioned goal is to
guard you against all possible failures, according to
Inner Critic, Perfectionist, God, and various humans.
Your Critic,
Perfectionist, Cynic, and Doubter are probably supported by
an outspoken Moralizer / Preacher
or Judge. Their self-appointed jobs are to provide rigid, right-wrong pronouncements to guide other
subselves (and most other people) on how they should and
must behave.
Finally, you may be blessed and cursed with an energetic
People Pleaser. Her or his mission is to protect your AbandonedChild and/orLonelyChild (subselves) from agonizing rejection (shaming)
by having
you constantly focus on filling other people's needs to earn their
fragile approval.
Typical Pleasers insist "You
can take care of your needs later. They're not as important to us as
__________'s needs are!" An overzealous Pleaser can (unintentionally) promote the toxic conditions of
self neglect and
codependence,
and block effective win/win problem-solving.
Before significant
recovery from childhood
wounds,
these well-meaning Guardian subselves (a
"false self") distrust the competence of your
Self and other
Manager subselves.
Their thoughts, images, and feelings "take you over," specially in new,
public, or risky situations.
The inevitable result is ongoing inner
anxiety and conflict, and frequent feelings of shame, guilt, confusion, and
vague or sharp "worry." Does any of this sound familiar?
Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs)
and Self-respect
Adults blessed with
wholistically-healthy childhood
caregivers can be called Grown Nurtured Children
(GNCs).
They have Inner Critics and other devoted Guardian subselves too.
However, they're more reasonable and moderate, and are balanced by other
subselves who are sincerely affirming, loving, and encouraging.
GNC’s subselves usually trust their true Self to hear and respect
their needs and opinions, and then to act safely and effectively in every
situation. A GNC's Shamed Child is present, but s/he
usually feels noticed, accepted, and loved enough by other subselves
and people. Other inner kids are usually more active and impactful. Do you
know any Grown Nurtured Children?
Because self-scorn and neglect are socially labeled
"negative," we can feel ashamed of our shame. Other Guardian subselves like
the (your) Analyzer, Blocker, Repressor,
Numb-er, Deflector, and
Magician work hard to camouflage these traits
from inner and outer detection and shaming criticism via
reality dis-tortions. This often promotes daily guilts and anxieties, which feel normal.
Bottom Line: low self esteem
begins in early childhood if wounded caregivers can't consistently provide healthy nurturance. Various personality subselves
learn early to be rigidly perfectionistic, self-critical, self-shaming, and
self-neglectful, and to discount talents, achievements, and successes. When this
dynamic becomes excessive, such a wounded adult can be called "shame-based."
Shame Seeks Itself
My
experience with over 1,000 typical adult therapy clients since 1981 is that
we shame-based (wounded) people
repeatedly
choose others like us for partners and associates. That suggests that despite outward appearances,
many
divorcing and re/married couples share low self
esteem (shame) as persons, or in some key roles like wo/man, parent,
grown child, friend, wage-earner, and/or neighbor.
If a person (like you) starts
to significantly improve their self respect, shame-based relationship partners
(i.e. their ruling subselves) may
feel increasingly uneasy and unconsciously try to discourage or sabotage your healing...
Notice your
thoughts and emotions now. Anything like "This sure doesn't apply to me!"; or “Oh NO -
it does! I'm (probably or surely) ruled by shame-based subselves!
What can I do?" Or maybe you're thinking of one or more others in
your life who seem dominated
by shame-promoting false selves.
A Word about
Words
Respectis an attitude caused by semi-consciously evaluating a
set of criteria. It can be consciously discussed and changed, once you’re motivated to do so. Respect and
esteem mean the same thing here. Scorn and contempt imply major
disrespect.
Love is a rich mix of attitudes
and emotions that is not subject to logical discussion and intentional
change. Like trust and respect, it must be earned.
Shameand
pride are mental judgments [“I am worthy
(or worthless) and (un)lovable”] and related emotions.
Humility is wanting to
appreciate the talents and accomplishments of other people as much as your
own. Guilt is an
Inner-Critic judgment [“I do bad things – break (someone’s) rules.”] and
related feelings and thoughts which mimic shame. You can intentionally assess and reduce
guilt in yourself, but not in another person
(See Lesson 1).
Status check: See how you
feel about each of these ideas so far. “A” = agree, “D” = disagree, and “?” = ”I’m
not sure, or don’t care.”
Respect, pride, and forgiveness are some of the components
of love. Intentionally improving these components mayor may
not grow love. (A D ?)
I can intentionally assess, discuss,
and improve self respect and mutual respect with any receptive person. (A D ?)
Any motivated, aware person can choose to reduce
excessive shame and grow
non-egotistical pride in their own unique values, abilities, and traits, over time.
(A D ?)
I am responsible for my
self-respect, attitudes, and actions; but not for any other able
adult's self-respect,
self-love, guilt, and shame or pride - and vice versa. (A D ?)
Accepting the responsibility of
nurturing minor kids includes the responsibility for unselfishly
encouraging their self-respect, self-appreciation, and self-love, and their
humility.
(A D ?)
I have the indisputable right to decide
whom I respect, when, and why - and others have the same right, (A D
?)
Any aware adultcan choose to
identify, reduce, and avoid excessive guilt. (A D ?)
We can earn, but notconsciously createor force,
self-love and/or mutual love. (A D ?)
Acceptanceof each other is not being nonjudgmental,
it’s being truly at peace with the judgments we make of ourselves and each
other. (A D ?)
If disrespect for yourself or
someone else is eroding your
relationship, you can improve your self-respect (next
page). You may or
may not be able to regain respect for or from another person (next page)
Continued.
Do you need a stretch break before continuing?
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/respect.htm
Contents
Shame-based People