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09-14-2015
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This is one of a series
of Lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance
stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this
nonprofit site and the premises underlying it
This two-part YouTube video sets the stage for what you're about to
read. The video mentions eight lessons in this self-improvement Web site -
I've simplified that to seven.
What's
The Problem?
To evolve a high-nurturance
stepfamily, adults
must accept their
shared
group identity
and learn what their identity
means. This
acceptance can be hindered by...
protective
denials
["Naw, we're just a regular (bio)family."]; and...
co-parents
and supporters assuming that "stepfamilies
aren't all that different than regular (bio)families, so why worry about
stepfamily
identity? A family's just a family, right?"
Well... yes and no. It depends on your
criteria.
The confusing reality is that on one level,
typical stepfamilies arejust like any other kind of family.
On another level,
they differ structurally and dynamically in over 60 ways.
If
stepfamily adults don't acknowledge and accept these many differences, they risk unconsciously assuming their stepfamily will feel
and act,
like a "regular" (intact biological) family. This is like expecting a camel to
behave like a squirrel because they're both four-legged mammals.
The danger is that co-parents and their
uninformed kin and supporters will unconsciously form biofamily-based
role
and relationship expectations of
themselves and each other. That promotes their feeling increasingly frustrated,
confused, disappointed, hurt, resentful, and angry. This is speciallylikely if one
or more adults are psychologically
wounded
and unaware.
Since I began studying
stepfamilies in 1979, I've found 60 common misconceptions
in average people who feel "a family's just a family." Couples trying to
co-manage a complex multi-home
nuclear stepfamily believing a set of these myths often re/divorce
psychologically or legally.
Similarities
This article
affirms that
stepfamilies
are like intact biofamilies in specific ways - and that's only half
the picture!They're alike in that both types of family…
are
normal - stepfamilies have been common since
the start of the human Era. They may have been the predominant family
type because of war, disease, and unprotected intercourse until modern
medical and contraceptive advances;
and they both...
are composed of adults and kids who live
together part or all of the time, and their biological and legal relatives (in-laws);
and they...
are (usually) managed by adults
who do their
best to guide,
nurture, protect, teach, and prepare their dependent kids to eventually
live well-enough on their own; and...
All members of each kind of family have
daily and developmental
needs
to fill, and a range of daily responsibilities and activities, like work or school, worship,
socializing and play, meals, shopping, chores, and so on; and...
Adults and kids in
stepfamilies and intact biofamilies...
(usually) form
psychological
bonds
with
special living things, rituals, ideas, sounds, smells, places, dreams,
and values; and they...
choose or are
forced to break these bonds as the world evolves; and they...
need to help each other
grieve their physical and abstract
losses well.
Either type
of family can
support or hinder healthy three-level mourning;
And...
Intact biofamilies and stepfamilies
both evolve through a predictable
sequence of developmental stages, though typical stepfamilies have
extra stages;
and...
Both family types periodically have
personal, family, and social problems.
They both use...
tangible resources, like dwellings, money, phones, vehicles,
food, and appliances;
personal resources, like love, humor, time, health, intelligence,
spirituality, knowledge, patience;
creativity, courage, determination, curiosity, and...
Steppeople and biopeople each have
bodies,
identities,
moods, developmental stages, names, role-titles, (brother, niece, uncle,
step-grandmother, half sibling...), and personal and shared hopes, fears,
goals, achievements, dreams and ideals, frustrations, "failures," joys, health concerns, celebrations,
depressions, etc.; and...
They both evolve within
human and geophysical
environments,
and interact with each of them as contributors and consumers.
So
when a
stepfamily member says "Hey - we're just (like) a regular (bio)family!" they’re
right. Paradoxically,
their stepfamily also differs in over
60
structural and dynamic ways! This means that usingbiofamily expectations and norms will
stress average stepfamily
adults, kids, and relationships.
Understanding and
accepting this paradox is vital if adults are to form and use realistic
stepfamily
goals and expectations
as they patiently
merge
their several multi-generational biofamilies over many years.
Recap
This
Lesson-7 article illustrates specific ways in which typical multi-home
stepfamilies are just like "traditional" (intact bio)families. These
ways validate people who claim "a family is just a family (so I don't
need to identify as, or learn about, 'stepfamilies.')"
If step-people and their supporters don't also learn and accept
their major structuralanddevelopmental differences
with intact biofamily systems, they risk escalating stress from using
inappropriate biofamily expectations to govern their
relationships. This will reduce stepfamily nurturance, promote
re/divorce, and pass on the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle to the
next generation.
+ + +
To better appreciate what you just read, now study...
why accepting your
identity as a multi-home stepfamily is vital to
avoid stress from harmful myths.
Pause, breathe, and reflect
- why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed?
If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The Web
address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/similar.htm
What's
The Problem?