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- evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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How Typical Stepfamilies Develop
Three Possible Paths
By Peter K.
Gerlach,
MSW
Member
NSRC Experts Council
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 The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf//develop.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup, so
please turn off your
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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily.The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means
both bioparents in a
family, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
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This
article outlines three possible developmental paths that typical
new stepfamilies fol-low over time: nurturing, enduring,
or dying (divorce). Awareness of these paths and the factors that determine them
can
help co-parents agree on a long-range perspective on "Where do
we want our stepfamily to go?" and "How're we doing?" |
The wry title of
David Campbell's book on careers applies well to stepfamily development: "If
You Don't Know Where You're Going, You'll Probably End Up Somewhere Else."
That's why forging and using
a stepfamily
is vital for long-term family stability, harmony, and
satisfaction.
This article
assumes you're familiar with...
-
the intro to this
nonprofit site and the
premises underlying it
-
self-improvement
-
these stepfamily facts and
Q&A items
-
traits of high-nurturance
("functional") families, and...
-
this example of a real
stepfamily's evolution
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Persons, relationships, families, and
civilizations all have identifiable beginnings, developmental stages, and endings.
Social scientists have described the developmental
cycle of typical families. This cycle has a common theme, but varies
in detail for different kinds of family: biological ("traditional"),
absent-parent, childless, homosexual, foster, communal - and stepfamily.
Typical Stepfamily Development
Phases
Compared to average intact
biofamilies, typical multi-generational stepfamilies
must negotiate many
extra phases in their evolutionary path. They usually have more related adults and kids; many more
con-current
and adjustment tasks;
and different social, co-parenting, religious,
and legal environ-ments. These combine to create many more possible routes to the final
family-development step of "co-parent death and survivors' grieving."
Note that
there
are over
of stepfamily. In America,
about 90% of these
follow
one or both partners' divorces. The rest follow the death of a spouse.
Each type follows some version of
this basic stepfamily-developmental cycle:
1) One or two divorces
or mate-deaths, followed by...
2) Surviving adults, kids, and emotionally-bonded
relatives grieving (or ignoring) their divorce or death-related
over time; and...
3) A
one or two-home absent-parent (vs.
"single-parent") nuclear family stabilizing (or not). "Sta-bilizing"
requires all relatives to adapt to or resolve significant family conflicts over
parenting responsi-bilities, and child custody,
visitations, and financial support. Eventually...
4) One
co-parent begins to date a
new artner
with or without kids; and...
5) The couple eventually
chooses a dwelling (his, hers, or new) and cohabits, with or without re/
marrying, and with or without existing kids.
This causes...
6)
The
and gradual
grieving and restabilizing (or not) of the three or more co-parents' ex-tended biofamilies.
This simple
sentence describes an stunningly complex process of...
-
accepting (or ignoring) their new
stepfamily
and
agreeing on (or disputing) who
to this new family system; and over time...
-
learning and adapting to (or ignoring)
stepfamily norms and realities, and...
-
working together to master
up to 36
concurrent personal and family-adjustment
tasks that can span a decade or more. How
these tasks progress creates many unique stepfamily-development paths.
To
achieve a stable
stepfamily, all adults
must (a) navigate through this array of alien new tasks
successfully, while they help each of their dependent kids to
fill up to 35 unique adjust-ment needs.
The adults must do
this at the same time their youngsters are negotiating their own devel-opmental
steps toward stable adult independence. Each adult is going through their
own
developmental (mid-life, retirement, aging) phases, too.
Never a dull moment!
7*)
An ex-mate gets re/married, re/divorced,
and/or has a(nother) child. Each time this happens, the whole
extended-stepfamily system must (a) adjust it's membership,
roles, rules, priorities, rituals, asset ownerships, allegiances, dreams, loyalties, and
logistics again; (b) grieve the old ones, and (c) restabilize. Typically
this takes four or more years from the new couple's commitment. .
Restabilizing (or not) is largely determined by...
-
effectiveness of your adult members'
communication, plus...
-
the extent of their stepfamily awareness and
knowledge,
plus...
-
the (emotional + mental + physical + spiritual) health and
of
the stepfamily's leaders.
* This re/marriage-adjustment phase can
be repeated several times, so it's a developmental "corkscrew" (a spiral
through time) vs. the traditional intact biofamily's straight
evolutionary path.
Each version of this
phase can take many years.
Eventually...
8) The
youngest stepchild or half-sibling leaves home for good, and the traditional
biofamily develop-mental phases (grandchildren > retirement > death) run their
course. These developmental phases usu-ally involve many more people in a
stepfamily than in average extended biofamilies. Your stepfamily's
de-velopmental path "ends" when (a) the youngest of your three or more related
co-parents dies and (b) is grieved "enough."
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Depending on several key variables, any stepfamily will have one
of three possible outcomes as it moves through these
developmental stages or phases. Knowledge of these outcomes can
help co-parents make healthy decisions as they work at merging
their biofamilies and stabilizing their com-plex new stepfamily
system. |
The paths over time are...
-
stable bonding, nurturing, and fulfilling
("functional"),
-
enduring significant pain and stress
("dysfunctional," low-nurturance); and...
-
eventual psychological or legal re/divorce
and dis-integration.
Co-parents' awareness of these universal
and
and their dedication to overcom-ing them together,
determine which path their stepfamily will follow. Social scientists
estimate that well over half of recent U.S. stepfamilies have taken the
last path. Most of the others endure significant stress and stop
short of re/divorce.
If a flight agent told you that
your plane had over 50% chance of crashing, would
you take your fa-mily aboard? I write this to alert and motivate you, not
depress you.
Let's compare key stepfamily traits of these three developmental paths.
Do you know which path you're on? Notice individual trait-differences
and the theme of all of them.
Stepfamily
Trait |
Nurturing
Path |
Enduring
Path |
Redivorcing
Path |
|
Mates are psychologi-cally
|
No, or they're
their wounds effectively |
Yes, and they are not
healing their wounds |
Yes, and they are not
healing their wounds |
| Mates know and
heed these courtship
|
Yes |
No, or
somewhat |
No |
| Mates studied
and dis-cussed
|
Yes,
during courtship or soon after committing |
Probably
not, or mates discounted them |
No |
| Re/married
bioparents'
|
comes first, re/marriage sec-ond, all else third,
ex-cept in emergencies.: This is spontaneous, not dutiful |
Inconsistent or
unclear priorities; biokids or ex mates often come first,
despite stepparent pro-tests and resentment |
Biokids or ex
mates come first; stepparent/s feel secondary and
re-sentful; no effective prob-lem-solving |
| (Re)marriages |
Strong, stable,
and growing.
|
Stable; mates
are sig-nificantly dissatisfied. but can't problem-solve |
Unstable,
dissatisfaction increasing in one or both mates. No
effective prob-lem-solving |
| Adults accepted
their
as a stepfamily and what it
|
Yes, and
taught these to their kids |
May have
accepted their identity, but are ignoring what it means |
Rejected or
ignored their stepfamily identity, and/ or ignored what it
means |
| Both parents of
each stepchild are fully ac-cepted as family
by
adults and kids |
Yes |
Probably not,
or a di-vorced parent rejects their stepfamily mem-bership |
One or more
kids' bio-parents are rejected / excluded from step-family
membership |
|
Family adults' ability to
|
Consistent among all homes and
adults |
Occasionally among some adults |
Rarely or never effective |
| Family
|
Adults can spot
and re-solve them, and teach their kids how to do so |
No shared
awareness of these conflicts or how to resolve them |
Increasing
stress from unresolved loyalty con-flicts in and between
homes |
|
|
Adults can spot
and re-solve them, and are teaching their kids how to do so |
No shared adult
aware-ness of these conflicts or how to resolve them |
Increasing
stress from unresolved values con-flicts in and between
homes |
|
|
Adults can spot
and re-solve them, and are teaching their kids how to do so |
No shared adult
aware-ness of these conflicts or how to resolve them |
Increasing
stress from unresolved triangles in and between homes |
Stepfamily
Trait |
Nurturing
Path |
Enduring
Path |
Redivorcing
Path |
|
Adults evolve and use a healthy
family
|
Yes, and they teach
their kids the policy and how to follow it |
Grieving policy is un-spoken
and unhealthy; adults are unaware |
Family adults are ignor-ant of
and
have a toxic policy |
|
of unfinished grief in adults and kids |
Few or no
symptoms, or grief is progressing |
Some symptoms,
grief is ignored or repressed |
Many members
have these symptoms |
| Stepfamily
|
All adults
evolve one to-gether, and use it to guide them thru
difficult times |
Few or no
family cou-ples have or use a meaningful family mission
statement |
No mission
statement, no clear long-term family goals |
|
and religion |
shared faith
among all members strengthens stepfamily functioning
|
different
degrees of faith and beliefs - may be conflictual |
not a positive
contributor to family functioning |
| Cooperation
among co-parenting ex mates and their kin |
Voluntary, and
consis-tently high |
Forced,
inconsistent, and moderate to low |
Constant stress
with and among ex mates and kin |
|
Primary stepfamily
|
Resolved promptly,
co-operatively, and effect-ively |
Resolved temporarily or rarely;
minimal cooper-ation |
Never identified or resolved |
| Degree of
among members |
relatively
strong and stable in all homes |
moderate to
weak; varies among homes |
superficial or
no bonding among step-kin |
|
of co-parents' extended biofamilies |
progressing
steadily, conflicts usually resol-ved cooperatively |
moderate or no
pro-gress; conflicts often unresolved |
no progress; us
vs. them attitude; unresolved conflicts are common |
| Intra-family
legal battles - usually between divor-cing bioparents
|
Few or none |
Some, over
child-rela-ted conflicts and/or mo-ney, |
Frequent,
fierce, expen-sive, and divisive - cau-sing more problems. |
| Minor kids'
develop-mental and
adjustment needs |
Met
consistently and cooperatively by step-family adults |
Met sometimes,
con-flicts likely among adults |
Rarely met well
enough; kids are wounded and act out |
| Co-parental
|
Consistently
clear and harmonious in and be-tween homes |
Often unclear
and con-flictual; no problem-solving |
often unclear
and in-creasingly conflictual; no problem-solving |
| Child
discipline |
Generally
cooperative and effective in all co-parenting homes |
Moderately
effective, often conflictual in and between homes |
rarely or never
effective; adults fight, kids often act out |
| Stepfamily and
re/mari-tal
|
Adults able to
find and use qualified supports |
Adults may use
inef-fective supports |
Adults don't
have an ef-fective support system |
Pause, breathe, and decide whether your
is
you now or
Then notice what you're thinking and how you feel. Have you ever seen a
comparison like this before? Note how many factors determine which
developmental path a stepfamily takes over time. How many typical stepfamily
adults and supporters do you think could name most of these factors? My
experience is: "none."
Inherited
and psychological
promote re/divorce and passing this lethal
on to the next generation!
Options
-
Circle each box above that causes you a
significant reaction like guilt, alarm, anxiety, guilt, satisfaction,
relief, etc. Identify why the item causes these feelings.
-
Reflect - which path do you feel your
stepfamily is on so far?
-
Follow selected links to learn more about
each item of interest.
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Decide if you want to show this comparison
to someone and discuss it with them.
-
Consider using this article as the topic of
a family and/or support-group meeting.
Recap
Based on 32 years'
clinical research, this article proposes three basic
developmental paths that typical stepfamilies follow over their years:
nurturing, enduring significant dissatisfactions, or eventual legal or psychological re/divorce.
Literature suggests that only about 10% of typical U.S. stepfamilies achieve the
nurturing
path. They consistently fill members' adjustment and developmental
needs well enough, and promotes all adults and kids fully
developing and using their individual talents and gifts.
A
larger minority of stepfamilies
(~30%) evolve along a path in which co-parents chose to endure significant
marital and family stress, but stop short of
legal re/ divorce.
Most (~60%) of typical American co-parents
are unaware of this lethal
and unconsciously lead their nuclear stepfamilies down a path of pain, regret, disillusionment, and failed bondings toward the trauma of re/divorce,
losses, and dis-integration.
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Ideally, courting co-parents
will choose to work at
these
before
deciding to
re/marry. They earn the highest odds of leading
their complex stepfamily across the years on the
nurturing
developmental path and passing that priceless legacy on to their
descendents. |
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise resident
or
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Updated
November 18, 2011
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