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This is one of a
series
of brief articles on how to respond effectively
to annoying social behavior. An effective
response occurs
when the responder (a) gets their
primary needs met
well enough, and (b) both people feel
respected enough.
This article offers useful responses to
the behavior of someone you believe is addicted
to some-thing.It assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it
An addiction is a type of compulsion -
excessive or repetitive behavior that can't be
willfully controlled. When the behavior
interferes with personal and family wholistic
health, it can be called "toxic." Common
addictions use chemicals, activities,
relationships, and mood-states to self-medicate
from intolerable
inner pain. True addictions
follow a predictable multi-year course, and are
now recognized as a symptomof
family-dysfunction, not an individual
"disease."
True addicts often behave in irritating ways -
like dishonesty, denial, defensiveness, unreliability,
self pity, chronic lateness, "forgetting" commitments,
insincerity, self-neglect, rages, and justifying
these and/or claiming "I can't help it." You can
choose to respond to these individual behaviors,
or to the underlying cause of them all: the
addict's pain, unawareness, and low-nurturance
environment.
How Not toRespond
The most harmful responses to an addict
are scorn,
anger, criticism, pity, and/or blame. The best response is to see
addiction compassionately as evidence of major
inherited family dysfunction, and unbearable
personal agony.
Common mistakes that unaware people make with
addicts are to...
assume that
addiction applies
only
to alcoholism or other drug dependence.
take
responsibility for ''saving'' the addict or
their dependents. This often includes
losing healthy personal
boundaries
and ignoring self-care
(codependence);
assume they know
what causes a true (vs. pseudo) addiction.
deny that
compulsive eating of sugar, fats, and some
carbohydrates ("comfort foods") is a
dangerous addiction and sign of inner pain;
deny, minimize,
or justify the wounded person's harmful
attitudes and behaviors. And don't...
scorn, pity, or
criticize him or her for "choosing" to be an
addict.
It
is not a willful choice.
preach and moralize about addicts and
addiction. This is inherently
disrespectful, and breeds resentment,
anxiety, guilt, shame, and anger (pain).
assume the
addiction is a personal problem,
It
is a reliable symptom of family
dysfunction.
assume an
addiction is a "character defect,"
"disease," and/or a "lack of personal will
power." It is an uncontrollable,
unconscious pain-avoidance compulsion.
More unhelpful responses. Don't...
assume that
addiction is a genetic inheritance. It is
true for some (not all) male alcoholics.
Otherwise the non-genetic ancestral
inheritance
is [psychological wounds + unawareness].
assume that
addiction is a stable condition. It is
usually progressive, and often fatal. And
don't...
endure, excuse,
or ignore an addict's self-destructive
behavior
(enable
their compulsion);
focus only on
the addict's troublesome behaviors, vs. the
ancestral family pain causing them; and
avoid...
trying to uselogic, reasoning, and
examples to convince the person to change
their attitudes and behaviors.
These inevitably increase anaddict's pain.
Better Responses
Responding effectively to the vexing attitudes and behaviors of
a true addict starts with (1)
asses-sing yourself for psychological wounds. Then
(2) learn
addiction
basics and options.
If a
false-self
controls you, these options won't work well
or at all.
As a foundation,
select from these response-options to
wounded
adults and
kids.
Then...
Honestly
assess your attitude about addicts.
If you see them as sick, weak-willed, pathetic,
pitiful, irresponsible, bad, or "losers,"
that puts them 1-down and you 1-up. That
disrespectful attitude guarantees they will
resent, ignore, or discount you no matter how
good your intentions. A more helpful attitude is
to view addicts as a wounded, unaware
survivor of childhood trauma,
unconsciously trying to
cope with relentless inner pain by toxic
self-medication.
Learn the common
symptoms of a true addiction, and
be careful
about mis-labeling a person as "an addict" or
having "an addictive personality." These
socially-shaming labels add to a wounded
person's low self esteem and embarrassment
(pain)! Kinder labels are "wounded and
unaware," or
''Grown Wounded Child''
(GWC).
Assess yourself
for symptoms of any of the four types of
true addiction (chemicals, including
food; activities; relationships; and moods).
If you find any, (a) assess yourself for
psychological wounds, and (b) apply
this.
If
an addicted GWC behaves in a way that hurts
or frustrates you, use respectful
''I"-message assertions
to inform them factually how their behavior
affects you. That might sound like...
"(Name), when you promise to _________
and then (don't), I feel hurt,
irritated, frustrated, and disrespected,
and I lose trust in you. I need you to
do what you say you'll do so I can
maintain my trust and re-spect in you."
If you
observe other people responding to an addict
ineffectively,
decide whether to suggest that their
behavior is harmful, and offer better
responses. Note that
many
friends and relatives of GWCs are themselves
significantly
wounded
and
unaware.
Learn what "
''hitting true bottom'' means
and what causes it. If you agree that
the best chance a GWC has to admit and
control an addiction is to hit bottom, then
help them do so without ta-king
responsibility for that. Generally,
that means (a)
confronting
them factually on the social im-pacts of
their attitudes and behaviors, and (b)
encouraging others to do the same.
Learn the 12
Steps originated for alcoholics
and adapted to other addictions. Use them to
guide your responses to addicted people and
their family members. Become familiar with
how 12-step meetings work, and watch for
chances to weave that into your
interactions. Option - attend
se-veral "open" meetings in your community
as an observe and student.
Search the Web for addiction-management
resources. There are many!
Avoid "selling" or preaching about any you
find.
Get
creative about ways to "plant seeds" of
relevant information about wounds,
addiction, and "recovery" (addiction
management). For example, watch for chances
to weave "inner pain" into your
conversations, and suggest that addictions
are unconscious ways to self medicate it.
Make "inner pain" more concrete by
describing it as a mix of normal (vs.
"negative") emotions like
shame + guilts
+
frustration
+
anxieties
+ regrets + hurt + despair.
Look for ways to apply
these
ideas in your situation. Include
the possibility of convening an
intervention. If the addict is a child, also
see
this for useful options.
Pause and notice your thoughts and feelings now.
If you choose some of these responses with any
addicts you care about, what will you change?
Avoid expecting significant changes in the other
person, unless you commit to a formal
intervention.
Recap
This is one of a series of brief articles suggesting
effective ways to respond to common social
be-haviors. This article offers ways to
respond effectively to an addicted person. The ways are
based on...
fluency in the
relationship skills of awareness, assertion,
and empathic listening.
+ + +
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this
article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what
do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
someone else?
The Web address of this article is http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/addicted.htm
Perspective