I've been a professional
therapist since 1981, and have been recovering since 1986
from being raised in an alcoholic
family. I have studied the topics in this series profes-sionally for
28 years, and struggled with my own
denials, wounds, and unhealthy compulsions as a re-covering
ACoA.
I completed a 9-month graduate-school course on
clinical work with addicted families, and I have learned
about addictions and their effects from thousands of hours
working with adults and children with addicted (wounded)
ancestors and family members. Many were in
families and
This series
assumes you're familiar with:..
What is an Addiction?
Have you ever "obsessed" about someone or something? An
obsession is something that a per-son
can't stop
thinking about. A habit is a semi-automatic
learned sequence of thoughts and actions that can
be controlled.
A compulsion is a repetitive
action-sequence which the person cannot
control by "willpower."
The behavior
sequence may or may not be harmful
- e.g. overdrinking vs.
excessive nail-biting, scratching, fantasizing, or hand-washing.
A true addiction
is a
compulsion to do something repeatedly that is clearly harmful to one's self and/or
other persons.
There are four types of addiction, which all work
the same way:
-
compulsive ingestion of
substances,
including caffeine, nicotine, ethyl alcohol, "street" and prescription
drugs, and some "comfort"
foods high in sugar and fat. Some substance addictions
like ethyl alcohol and heroine are amplified by
bodily cravings.
-
compulsive
activities, like
work, sex (including pornography), exercise, worship, cleaning, overeating, shopping,
PC usage, fantasizing, and gambling;
-
compulsive
relationships - i.e.
co-addiction or
and ...
-
compulsive mind/body
"states" like addiction to righteous
causes (zealotry); anger, and
sexual or other excitement
(adrenaline "rushes.")
All true addictions follow a
predictable course, and have
common traits (below).
They all serve to temporarily distract
(self-medicate) the person from
relentless inner pain - i.e.
+ anxieties
(fears) +
hurts + confusion +
+ sadness + hopelessness
(despair).
What Causes Addictions?
Answers to this age-old question have ranged from "demons" to "lunar
rays" (hence "lunatic") to a "weak will," to "addictive or immoral
personalities." The advent of
therapy in the
1950s, and of codependence, "Inner Child," and Adult Children
of Alcoholics (ACoA) concepts in the 1980s have combined to
suggest a new explanation for addictions.
An increasing number of mental-health professionals now believe that
addictions are promoted by
traumatic early-childhood experiences - e.g. chronic
and/or emotional and physical abandonment.
These are epidemic and widely denied in our culture, caused by the
silent [wounds + unawareness]
passing down the
generations. Most professionals now accept that
true
addictions stress all members of a family system, not
just the addict.
These ideas and my
own research and experience suggest these premises...
-
To survive
families, kids automatically develop
"false selves" - a
of protec-tive personality subselves focused on survival
and immediate
need-gratification ("comfort"). Usu-ally kids' caretakers
were raised in similar environments, and are unaware
that they are con-trolled by
false selves (wounded) also.
-
For various reasons, the
environment and these subselves cause children and
adults unrelenting
-
To reduce and distract from their inner pain, typical kids develop a protective
that can be called
This well-meaning personality specialist discovers that one
or more of the four kinds of addiction effectively
reduces current inner pain temporarily.
This
dedicated subself
persuades the
person to medicate (distract) themselves from their pain
via a toxic compulsion despite the reality that
doing so inexorably increases their
inner pain and stresses important other people.
Implication: having
"an addictive
personality" really means
a
low-nurturance childhood, and being controlled by a
which obsessively tries to help the person reduce their
inner pain via one or more locally-comforting rituals or
relationships."
This relentless
progression is illustrated by variations of the
Jellinek
Curve used in many addiction recovery programs.
Depending on many factors, the wounded person may eventually
(a)
and find a healthier way of managing their inner pain
("recovery"), or
(b) die prematurely.
Note that the Curve was originally designed when people
still felt that addiction was a personal problem.
It
would be more appropriate to chart the predictable
changes in family dynamics as an addiction progresses -
e.g.
-
of any problems,
and avoidance of any
-
increasing anxieties,
frustrations,
hurts, resentments, guilts, and anger;
-
unsuccessful attempts to
confront the addict and/or co-addict and get them
to change;
-
increasing trouble in
and with one or more dependent kids,
-
escalating
marital, work,
legal, and/or financial problems, and possible psycholo-gical
or legal
and...
-
one or more family
adults hitting
and
starting to control (vs. cure) the addiction - and/or
suffering possible major health
problems and premature death.
-
Some
substance
addictions develop physiological cravings which
intensify the toxic dependence - e.g. nicotine,
caffeine, some carbohydrates (?), and heroine. These are
cellular/hormonal reactions like hunger and sleepiness,
not psychological responses. Alcoholism has a genetic pre-disposition - i.e. genetic alcoholics
metabolize ethyl alcohol (which powers car engines) differ-ently than
non-addicts.
-
The
12-step "Anonymous" program of life-principles,
and supportive fellowship is consistently more effective than
other ways of controlling addictions ("sobriety"). This seems to be true because
the program offers self-reinforcing emphasis on breaking
protective denials + nur-turing spirituality + giving up
attempts to
(inner pain) + genuinely accepting self-responsibility for addictive
behaviors and consequences, and honestly apologizing
(reducing
where possible.
-
Paradoxically, the
tradition of protecting 12-step participants and
their families from social and religious censure by
"anonymity" (e.g. "Alcoholics Anonymous")
promotes the harmful myth that addiction is a shameful
personal choice - which encourages
toxic self-medication!
-
The traditional
12 Steps ignore
the key role that personality subselves and low-nurturance
environments play in promoting self-medicating
compulsions. That's (probably) why many addicts adopt
pseudo recovery
and/or
relapse (resume addictive rituals), despite
painful consequences and "knowing better." See
this proposed
amendment to the
Steps.
-
(a) Choosing a more
environment and (b) intentionally stabilizing
(vs. "curing") an active addiction via an effective
12-step program for at least a year are essential
for
of false-self
(psychological)
in
this nonprofit Web site and its re-lated
are about effective
wound reduction.
Recap - all true addictions are
caused by a person's ruling subselves trying to
self-medicate (mute) relentless inner pain by one or more
of four compulsive strategies.
These strategies
always work
(reduce inner pain)
short-term - and increase the
inner pain, long-term.
|
True addictions are a symptom of family
(wounded, unaware
adults), not just a personal problem. If you're concerned
about someone who may be addicted, do these premises fit
what you know of their early and current lives and families?
|
Pause and reflect. How do these premises about the cause of
addictions compare with your
be-liefs? Who's answering - your
(capital "S") or "someone else"?
Another important element in understanding addicted families
is the concept of "co-addiction."
What is
Co-addiction?
Since the advent
of family-systems therapy in the 1950's, society has begun to see that typical
addicts' mates ("co-addicts") grow predictable, psychologically-toxic traits
of their own. Three stand out:
Co-addicts typically grow their own
(e.g. denials) about the addict's behavior and its harmful impacts ("Carl is a little
overzealous about sex, but he's certainly not addicted to it.")
This is probably so because wounded
of low-nurturance childhoods seem to instinctively pick each other as
partners and associates over and over again, until they hit bottom and commit to reducing their psychological wounds.
Many co-addicts become addicted to
(obsessed with) the welfare and
behavior of their wounded partner. This is a symptom of the widespread
condition (vs. "disease") called
This is a form of
relationship addiction - i.e.
codependence is an unconscious compulsion that reduces
the
of the people
involved. In a family setting, this means the wholistic health of
dependent kids is being diminished by two or more addicts (wounded caregivers),
not one. And...
Until
a co-addict's toxic compulsion is owned and controlled
(vs. cured), they often
their addicted partners.,
That is, they unintentionally promote the addiction's
progress by fearing to confront their partner on their harmful
behaviors and
healthy
("Ja-nice, trust me. If you go on
one more credit-card binge, I'm going to file for divorce and custody
of the kids.")
|
Implications: (a) any addiction is
a family affliction, and (b) where there is an addict, there
is often a co-addict or enabler/s. The psychological
and ignorances that promote
unendurable inner pain and
compulsive self-medication reduce family nurturance-levels. This inexorably
the inner pain and adaptive psychological
wounding on to the next generation. |
Pause and reflect on what you just read. If there is an
"addict" or co-addict in your life, can you see that person
as a wounded survivor of childhood dysfunction and
trauma who belongs to a dysfunctional family? Adopting that
view is the first step in offering meaningful help.
Have you wondered "How do I know if someone is
'addicted' or just 'overdoing (something stressful)'"? Let's look at that now...
Symptoms of a True Addiction
This heading should really read "Symptoms of Compulsive
Self-medication for Unbearable Inner Pain"
In the last
several generations, it has become clear that true
addictions (vs. "overdoing it") have observable,
predictable symptoms like
these:
The "addict" (Grown Wounded Child)
that they have a harmful compulsion, despite compelling
evidence; or they acknowledge "I may have a
problem," and find
they cannot stop their toxic self-medication ritual
despite repeated attempts to do so. ("I've tried to quit
smoking three times, and can't do it.") A related symptom is
that the person's relatives, friends, and coworkers may also
deny, minimize, and/or justify the toxic
compulsion and its harmful effects.
Common symptoms of an addictive relationship or
family are
co-addiction
and
enabling.
Enabling is avoiding painful, honest confrontations
with an addict about their self-destructive attitudes,
wounds, and behaviors.
This avoidance is often justified by a dedicated
subself who insists persuasively that this is a caring way
of "not hurting the addict." Other protective
Guardian subselves may urge
needed confrontations to avoid
And...
Continued...
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Updated
12-16-2011
The Web address of this
series is
http://sfhelp.org/fam/addiction.htm