How
would you define trust to an average
pre-teen? How about "Trust is feeling
you're safe from pain, injury, loss, and
uncomfortable surprises with a person, group,
animal, or situation." So distrust is
feeling unsafe from any of these. We learn on
early childhood that some people and animals are
safer than others.
Think of someone you trust "completely." Does
that mean you're confident of their honesty?
Judgment? Motives? Morals? Perceptions?
Knowledge? Sense of responsibility? Sensitivity?
Reliability? Boundaries? Self-control?
Spirituality? Stability? As you see, "trust"
spans a wide range of personal attributes.
Now think of someone you "don't trust." Can you
identify specifically what you don't
trust about them? How did that distrust happen?
Slowly? Suddenly? Does the person know you
distrust them in some way? How does this affect
your relationship?
Some people trust others until they're
disappointed, disillusioned, or betrayed in some
way. From early betrayals, others approach life
cynically and distrustfully. For them,
interpersonal trust must be earned over many
shared experiences.
An important aspect of this topic is trust in
yourself - i.e. steady confidence in your
own judgment, wisdom, abilities, and self
control to keep you safe from pain, loss, and
injury in various situations. Self-trust may
vary with your environment - i.e. unfamiliar
surroundings and relationships may reduce your
self-trust until you evolve some predictability
with them.
People who become familiar with the
that form their
learn that some subselves are very trusting,
and others are deeply suspicious and cynical.
Outdated self-distrust can be improved over time using
If you
a
childhood, you may have significant trouble
wisely.
Stable mutual trust is essential for marital
intimacy, friendships, and effective parenting.
It's also necessary for effective interpersonal
communication!
Response Options
-
Use
to
notice that you distrust the person, and
decide what you distrust;
-
Decide whether
to say something to them or not about your
distrust. If you choose to ...
-
Mentally review these response-basics
until they become a habit;
-
Identify what you feel with this
person - guarded, ambivalent,
frustrated, critical, disinterested,
anxious, irritated, concerned, or something
else. Your emotions point to what you
need.
-
Identify what outcome you want from your
comment or response. Do you need to
vent, to inform, to problem-solve, to set or
enforce a boundary, to help the person, or
something else?
-
When both of you
are undistracted and face-to-face, get
steady eye contact, and ask...
"(Name),
are you open t some personal feedback?"
If the person
says "No," or "Not now," you have a
different problem;
Depending on what you need, choose a calm
response like these:
To Vent
"(Name),
I need you to know that I don't trust you
about (something specific)"
"Since I learned
you lied about ________, I don't trust you
any more."
"I don't believe
you."
"I'm frustrated
because I'm not able to trust you
(about ____________ )."
"(Name), I
suspect you're often ruled by a false self."
To Give Feedback
"Are you aware
of how often you exaggerate / bend the truth
/ avoid eye contact with me / shut down /
explain yourself / excuse yourself /
generalize / stutter / change your mind /
deny / ________ ?"
"First you tell me you're OK, and then
you say you're depressed / angry / confused
/ sad / lonely. I don't know what to
believe." (This is usually a sign of
false-self dominance).
"(Name), when
you avoid eye contact with me, I lose trust
in you.
"When your words
don't match your face / body / voice tone I
lose trust in you."
"When you
promise me that _______ and then don't do
it, I lose trust in your word."
To Learn
"(Name), am I
doing something that causes you to lie / not
follow thru / break your word / hide things
from me?"
"Do you
understand why I don't trust you about
_________?"
"Do you care
that I've lost trust in you?"
Are you going to
yourself for false-self
To
Problem-solve
"I need to
rebuild my trust in you. Are you willing to
work on that with me?"
To Confront or
Set Limits
"(Name), I can't
have a relationship with someone I don't
trust."
"Stop. I'm not
willing to hear / debate / discuss this
again."
"The next timed
you lie / break your promise / don't call /
do (something specific) / I'm going to
(take some specific action)."
"For me to trust
you again, I need you to ________."
Note
the theme of these sample responses (brief,
honest, respectful, direct, specific), and adapt it to your style of
thinking and speaking. Avoiding responses
like these so you don't "hurt the other
person's feelings" or "start a fight" is a
lose-lose decision. Pretending trust you
don't feel is dishonest and disrespectful,
and will degrade your self-esteem and your
relationship.
-
Avoid generalizing.
"I don't trust
you" is a global judgment which hinders
problem-solving.
"I don't trust you about
(something specific)" lowers the odds of
conflict, and increases the chance to do
effective problem-solving together.
-
Expect the other person to "resist" your
response - i.e. to deny, argue or
debate, whine, shut down, walk away,
explain, justify, minimize, catastrophize,
generalize, blame you, ignore you, plead,
attack, bring up the past, demand an
example, etc.
Use
respectful
when s/he does, and then calmly re-state
your original response or question. Repeat
this sequence until you get what you
need or your needs change.
A common resistance is for the other person
to ask you for an example of what causes
your distrust, and then to invite you into a
lose-lose debate - "I didn't do that!" /
"Yes you did." That defocuses you both from
the real issue, and can seduces you into
making
combative "You" statements vs. assertive
Think of someone in your life that you distrust
about something. Can you imagine responding like
these examples to her or him? How would that
feel? How would the person react? How would this
compare to your usual reaction to distrusting
them?
Bottom line - you have many
communication options with someone you distrust!
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/cx/apps/distrust.htm
