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Have you or someone you care for
been depressed recently? Depression is so common in American
kids and adults that treating it has become a major
industry. It often occurs in
survivors
of early-childhood trauma.
My clinical experience with hundreds of
therapy clients who felt "depressed" is that typical "well
educated" people - including mental health and medical professionals - don't
know much about the healing process of grief, and can't differentiate
between it and "depression."
One result is they waste money on "anti-depression" medication which
hinders grief and leaves losses unacknowledged and unmourned. This
ignorance contributes to the toxic [wounds + unawareness] cycle that is
steadily weakening our society.
This article
explores the important difference between "depression" and healthy
grief. It...
Describes
common symptoms of depression and normal grief,
Suggests
four common causes of these symptoms; and...
Proposes options if (a) you're "depressed,"
and (b) if
you're concerned about a "depressed" person.
The article assumes you're familiar with...
the intro to this nonprofit web
site and the
premises underlying it
It's a catch-all term for a mind-body condition
ranging in intensity and impact from brief and minor ("a blue mood") to long-term
and major. The condition (vs. "illness") can
promote physical, psychological, and relationship problems.
Symptoms of depression typically include
some or all of these...
Low physical energy; "fatigue."
Apathy: marked disinterest in
pleasurable life activities, and/or an inability to feel normal
pleasures (anhedonia).
Notably sad, glum mood.
Unusual feelings of guilt, despair
(hopelessness and pessimism),
and/or worthlessness.
Difficulty concentrating: mind-racing,
and
marked indecisiveness.
Trouble sleeping or sleeping
excessively.
Possible loss of appetite and related weight loss.
Recurring thoughts of death or
suicide;
Crying episodes with or without a
"cause," and...
Excessive or unusual irritability
and anger.
If five or more of these symptoms are clearly
present every day for at least two weeks (in someone's opinion), the condition is psychiatrically
labeled clinical depression.
Some people label serious depression a "mental illness." I propose that
it's a normal human condition, not an "illness"!
Each of these symptoms can also
occur during normal three-level
grieving.
Depression can be a single episode or a recurring condition. Chronically depressed people experience these
symptom-clusters as normal life, so they may have little motivation to change
toward some-thing they've never felt.
Depression is a problem for the sufferer, and
can cause significant anxiety (worry), guilt, and frustration in people who depend on or
care about the sufferer. Three possible problems are...
you’re significantly depressed,
another person you care about is, or...
you both are.
All of these can
stress your
wholistic health and other relationships, specially if you have other concurrent
problems.
Let's look at the first two situations in some detail...
Options If YouFeel "Depressed"
“Depression” and the sadness phase of
normal grieving
feel and look the same, emotionally and behaviorally. I suspect that many
“depressed” adults and kids are really
mourning major
losses.
If so,
the cure is not pills, but acquiring
these
requisites
so your grief can run its natural course.
Premise - feeling "depressed" can be a symptom of up to five
underlying factors:
unawareness of significant false-self
wounds
and their
effects
(Lesson 1);
hormone and
brain-chemical imbalances. The first four may promote this.
To reduce your symptoms, try these options:
1)
Give high priority to
self-improvement
Lessons 1 thru 3.
Test your knowledge of "good grief" basics with this
quiz. Ignoring this option
suggests toxic false-self dominance, which is the primary problem.
2) If you feel suicidal, get professional help. Note that many
professional therapists, clergy, and counselors aren't trained to check for
incomplete grief. Option -
ask whomever you hire to scan Lesson 3 and "pass"
the "good grief" quiz. If they're not willing to,
look elsewhere.
If you have chronic pain and/or an incurable
progressive lethal disease and have nothing to live for, explore support
organizations like Compassion
and Choices and
Final Exit Network.
3) Meditate on any past or recent changes in you or your lifestyle
- e.g. a disability or illness, job change, a geographic move, a shift in an
important role or relationship, a financial shift, births, deaths, divorces,
retirements, etc. Ask yourself "What
have I
lost
- specifically - because of this change? Use these
abstract and physical
loss inventories to help answer the question. Note that anticipatory
grief can start before an expected loss actually occurs.
Once you identify your losses (broken bonds), prioritize them. Starting with
the most impactful, use this level-and-phase concept to gauge where you are
in grieving each loss. If you suspect some important grieving is
incomplete,
consider these options.
Option 4) Try using
parts work (Lesson 1) to identify which of your subselves have taken over your true
Self and are causing your apathy, hopelessness, and discouragement.
Often this will disclose one or several
Inner Kids
who feel locally or chronically abandoned, isolated, sad, overwhelmed, and
powerless.
If
you find such subselves, identify any related Guardian subselves (e.g.
Catastrophizer
and
Cynic/ Pessimist).
Work with them all toward trusting your
Manager
subselves, and helping the young ones grieve and feel more secure. Then see
what happens to your "depression" symptoms.
5)
Be aware of the
terms your family
adults use in thinking and speaking. Depressed and
depression can be evoke anxiety in subselves who associate them with sick or ill,crazy,
nuts, weak, inferior, anxiety, bad, doctors, hospitals,
therapy, trouble, or other vague or specific discomforts.
"I'm working to accept some major
losses now" can feel better to someone's subselves than "I am (or you
are) really de-pressed."
6) If subselves feel
guilty
that your "depression" symptoms are burdening other
people "too much," confirm
your right to feel how you feel.
Read and apply
this article on managing excessive
guilts, and use these wise
guidelines.
"Feeling better" is your
responsibility. Other people are responsible for managing their own comfort!
7)
Becomeaware of whose advice you follow
about assessing and treating "depression." e.g.
family elders, mentors, hero/ines, health professionals, and media authorities.
It's likely they don't know what you're reading here. Finally...
Option 8)
Think twice
if you're considering anti-depressant medication. "Mood control"
chemicals may relieve your symptoms, but not what's causing them.
If these options don't relieve your symptoms, consider hiring a qualified
therapist or licensed grief counselor for a
professional evaluation. "Qualified" means...
having a
wholistic (mind + body + spirit + emotions) view of health; plus…
openness to the ideas in this Web site, specially about personality subselves
and incomplete grief; plus…
believing that grieving is appropriate for all
significant life losses, not just someone's death; plius...
training in, and experience at, promoting healthy
three-level grieving; including this
research;
plus...
up-to-date medical training on the bodily aspects of "depression," and
"anti-depressant" medications.
Status Check
Learn about yourself by meditating on
these statements. T = true, F = false, and ? =
"I'm not sure," or "It
depends on (what?)":
I acceptthatgrieving is needed for
all kinds of life losses (broken bonds), not just death.
(T F ?)
I
believe grief is a healthy human
response which can be slowed or blocked.
(T F ?)
My
childhood adults consistently encouraged and modeled (a) feeling
and (b) expressing healthy grieving values, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.
(T F ?)
I’m comfortable now (a) feeling and (b)
expressing _sadness and _ anger privately and pub-licly; and (c) I’m
comfortable enough being around others who feel and express shock, sad-ness, and anger. (T F ?)
I
can clearly describe (a) my personal and
(b) my family’s
grief policy
-
i.e. our sets of shoulds,
oughts, musts, and values
about feeling and expressing grief. (T F ?)
I now live in a pro-grief home and family - i.e. one which consistently
encourages everyone to mourn well. Note the difference between intentionally encouraging grief
among your fam-ily members, and passively tolerating theirmourning. (T F ?)
I
am now able to (a)
identify and (b) grieve my
losses thoroughly;
or if not, (c) I'm taking effective steps to improve this. (T
F ?)
I can
(a) clearly tell the
difference between “depression” and incomplete grief now, and (b) I can name at
least six
symptoms of
incomplete
grief. (T F ?)
Other
adults in our family would answer "True" to the statement above. (T F ?)
I accept that using anti-depression
(mood control) medication may hinder healthy mourning. (T F
?)
Now I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relax-ed, alert, aware, alive, serene,
purposeful, confident, and clear, so
my
true Self is probably
leading my
other subselves
(personality). (T F ?)
What
did you just learn?
So far,
we’ve explored options if you are significantly depressed. Let’s now
explore your…
Options If Someone Else Seems Depressed...
With your Self
guiding you, notice how you feel about (a) the depressed
person, and (b) being around her or him. Then consider these
ideas...
use your feelings as pointers to identify
what you need, relative to this person. If you need to "make them
feel better," try to
discern why their "depression" is affecting you.
get clear on what you can
affect
and what you can't.
ask the person what s/he needs - in general,
and from you.
avoid saying "You'll feel better soon." You
have no way of knowing that. See these
alternatives.
avoid saying "I know just how you feel."
Because you have a different history and personality, you probably
don't.
if the person wants solitude, respect that;
beware offering help that isn't requested.
That can feel insulting.
if s/he is open to feedback,
invite
the person to explore whether they're mourning key losses. Common
responses are "Uh... I don't think so," or "I'm not sure -
I've never thought about that." If they ask why you ask, propose that the
sadness phase of normal grief feels like depression - and
their symp-toms will lift as their grief runs it's natural course.
Refer them to Lesson 3 in this Website.
offer an overview of
personality subselves. If s/he seems open to that idea, add the
con-cepts of true Self and false self. Discuss the possibility that a
false self may be causing her/his depressive feelings and/or grief.
If appropriate, suggest that s/he study
Lesson 1 to explore this
possibility. If you're working on Lesson 1, describe your
experiences.
avoid urging the person to get
anti-depressant medication - unless you and s/he are sure their condition
is organic and not normal grief.
If the person
is a relative, the "depression"
(and/or incomplete grief) is a
family
problem, not a personal one. Discuss
this and related articles with other family members,
including older kids. Also talk factually about how the person's "depression" symptoms are affecting you all, and
what each member needs. Option:
make
building a pro-grief family
(Lesson 3)
a communal activity!
Recap
This article encourages you to assess if
"depression" is really normal grief, for the symptoms are very similar.
Unfinished grief is a
primary
personal and family problem. It usually causes a web of secondary problems in your home
and relationships. The article offers practical options if
you and/or
another person feel
significantly "depressed.”
Pause and recall why you read this article. Did you get what you
needed? If not, what
do you need? Who's
answering these questions - your wise
true Self or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/grief/depression.htm
What Is
"Depression"?
Status Check
