The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/intimidate.htm
Updated
02-11-2015
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This is
one of a series of lesson-4 articles on how to optimize your relationships.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this
Web site, and the
premises
underlying it
This brief YouTube video about
"difficult people" previews some
of what you'll read in this article. The video mentions eight
self-improvement lessons here - I've reduced that to seven.
The Surface Problem
...
Intimidation
means "to make timid (fearful)."
It occurs when one person feels
significant anxiety about someone else's aggression ("I'll cause you discomfort!"),
stressful conflict, violence, and/or the
loss of some prize. Blackmail is a classic form of intimidation.
So are religious threats of "eternal damnation" and "burning in a lake
of fire."
Intimidation is usually not an isolated stressor, but one of a
web of surface and underlying problems, like aggression, hostility,
superiority, egotism, dislike, disrespect, and distrust. It often occurs
because the intimidator is (a) psychologically
wounded and controlled by a
self-centered, insecure
false self; and/or s/he (b) doesn't know how to
assert and negotiate filling needs respectfully.
I assume you're reading this because you or someone you care for
feel too intimidated by someone and you seek an effective way of
reacting to that. If so, the surface problem is your feeling intimidated
(scared), not the other person's threatening behavior.
How can you raise your self-confidence and stay grounded in the face of
intimidation?
Identify and Reduce the
Primary
Problems
Start by sorting out what you
can affect and what you
can't:
make the other person
hear (understand and agree with) me
control how the other person perceives me,
my actions, or
the past
reason logically with
the other person
change the law
Note that you can affect more things
than you can't. If your
reaction is "Yes, but
...", a well-intentioned
false self
probably rules you.
1) Your first option is to
decide whether or not to take
responsibility for changing the things you can in order to reduce your
fears. For perspective, consider this old Chinese folktale:
Once upon a time, a fierce
forest tiger caused a village to live in terror. It ate livestock at will,
and even killed several children and adults. The villagers hired a hunter,
and trapped the tiger. Respecting life, they built a stout bamboo cage for
him in the center of the village.
For many years, the tiger slept, and paced endlessly around the cage. The
grandchildren of the original villagers finally said - our tiger is old and
toothless. We should let him return to his forest to die in peace. They
dismantled the cage, and all gathered to see their old friend set free.
The tiger was bewildered. He looked around at the strange bar-less scene,
and at the nearby forest. Then he resumed pacing his measured square,
walking the boundaries of the cage that was no longer there.
How can you free yourself from your invisible cage of anxiety?
Options...
2) Envision a life where
intimidation doesn't
cause you significant anxiety. Retain that vision as an achievable goal, even if you
don't know how yet.
3) Invest time and effort in self-improvement
Lesson 1, with these objectives:
use
''parts work''
to identify and meet your personality subselves, including learning
which of them is causing your self-doubts and fears (usually one or
more Inner Kids, and your Worrier, Magician, Pessimist,
Procrastinator, and Catastrophizer).
identify which of these subselves
distrust your true Self, and work patiently to earn their trust over
time - i.e. to
free
your Self (capital "S") to guide you..
see if you have a
Peaceful Warrior/Amazon
subself who will assert boundaries and consequences effectively for
you.
identify and change any subselves' toxic
beliefs and
attitudes that contribute to your intimidation-anxieties.
identify any hero/ines or mentors that
inspire your courage and self-confidence, including your
Higher Power.Practice envisioning them when you assert your needs and
boundaries to intimidating people.
teach all your subselves effective
communication skills, by...
4) Investing time and effort
studying
Lesson 2 here.
Give special attention to...
Notice your thoughts and feelings now. How do these four options compare
with your normal responses to intimidation?
Reading this article will not increase your ability to stay grounded -
you'll have to try these options to experience their
power. Are you willing to do that now?
Recap
This Lesson-4 article defines interpersonal "intimidation," and proposes that
it is not the problem - your anxiety is. Then it proposes four
practical options toward increasing your self-confidence and ability to
assert effective boundaries and consequences with threatening people.
The options begin with
accepting full responsibility for reducing your anxieties and clarifying
what you can and cannot control. Then patiently studying and
applying
Lessons 1 and 2 will help you grow firm and calm in the face of
intimidation. There are many other personal and social
benefits!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's
answering
these questions - your
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/relate/intimidate.htm
The 
Options...