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  The Web address of this article is https://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/shame.htm

Updated 12-31-2014

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      This YouTube video provides perspective on what you're about to read here:

      This is one of a series of Lesson-1 articles in this Web site - free your true Self to guide you in calm and conflictual times, and reduce significant psychological  wounds  This article offers...

• Perspective on the crippling wound of excessive shame ("low self esteem");

• "Shame 101": how excessive shame relates to guilt, pride, self respect, humility, egotism, embarrassment, assertiveness, addiction, and wound-recovery;

• Typical behavioral symptoms of excessive shame, and...

• Practical suggestions on how to shift excessive shame toward healthy self-respect and self-love. .

      The article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Website and the premises underlying it    Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) the [wounds+ unawareness] cycle A research summary on the fragility of self esteem, and... This brief reprint by Dr. Nathaniel Branden

      Pause and reflect: why are you reading this article - what do you need? 

Shame 101

      Understanding shame lprepares you to convert it into healthy pride and non-egotistical self love. Let's explore these questions:

• Where does shame come from?

• What happens to early shame as we grow up?

• When does shame become excessive?

• How does excessive shame relate to...

  • excessive guilt?

  • humiliation and embarrassment?

  • pride and humility?

  • submission and assertion (communication effectiveness)?

  • addictions (toxic compulsions) and addiction-recovery? and...

  • psychological-wound reduction?

• What's the opposite of excessive shame?; and finally...

• What are common symptoms of excessive shame?

      Option - pause, reflect, and try answering each of these questions out loud now as though to an average pre-teen. Then compare your answers to what follows...

  Where does shame come from?

       Before we infants evolved a vocabulary and learned to "think," we often experienced powerful "good me" and "bad me" senses or feelings. These came from decoding our caregivers' voice tones, facial expressions, and behaviors; and the tranquility or stress in our environment.

      Repeatedly experiencing caregiver smiles, friendly-faces, loving eye contact, tenderness, soothing, gentle touchings and voice-sounds, and relaxed breast feeding build core security and "good me" feelings. Chronic absence of those experiences in infants promotes anxiety and a primal "bad me" attitude. This can happen when a primary caregiver - usually female - is overwhelmed and/or psychologically wounded and unable to bond. It may also happen if an infant wasn't a mutually-wanted conception.

       Inadequate or toxic nurturance promotes the early formation of one or more young personality subselves who believe and feel intensely "I'm bad - not OK." If we perceive more "bad you" than "good you" signals from our primary caregivers, or if they're inconsistent (mixed messages) then "bad me" feelings often grow. This is the root of shame - "low self esteem."

      Another source of shame can be "life scripts" instilled by early caregivers who repeat "You'll never amount to much." "pride is a sin!", and "You'll always be a loser / failure / bum / (etc.)" Statements like these are accepted by naive Inner Children, who can retain and believe them well into adult life. When you finish this article, see these ideas on assessing for and correcting toxic life scripts as another way of permanently converting shame with self love..

      "Inadequate or toxic nurturance" can include...

Emotionally unavailable and/or physically-absent parents.

Caregivers frequently ignoring us;

Lack of genuine affirmations verbal and physical affection; and .

Caregivers often name-calling, swearing, jeering, belittling, degrading, scorning, and being sarcastic,

Caregivers, giving the "you-disgust-me" look, lack of friendly eye contact, and rough or painful physical contacts

Caregivers not teaching the difference between doing wrong and being wrong (bad).

Caregivers allowing other people to hurt, use, and humiliate us

Inadequate health care, stimulation, and nutrition;

Caregivers using us to satisfy their own needs without caring or understanding how that affects us (abuse),

If the people around us young kids seldom listen to what we're trying to say, or if they interrupt or laugh at us for trying to express ourselves, we're apt to learn "I'm not worth listening to."

      Notice that these causes focus on the infant-toddler phase of early childhood. Other factors can ingrain and amplify early shame as we grow through adolescence, if our caregivers don't guard us from them. 

 What happens to early shame as we grow?

      As we develop our knowledge and vocabulary, our evolving personality subselves generate constant "inner voices" or thought streams. Most (all?) of us who were neglected and shamed too often in our early years automatically develop an "inner voice" which can be called our Inner Critic, Critical or Mean Parent, or Shamer.

      When our original shamers (e.g. parents) aren't around, our well-intentioned Inner Critic diligently carries on their work. S/He fills our mind with harsh criticisms and comments like "Your socks don't match (you're so stupid)," and "How could you possibly forget Alex's birthday?" A common companion "voice" comes from our Perfectionist subself. S/He relentlessly lets us know of our endless (shameful) failures. Do you have these inner voices?

      Some young kids also evolve a judgmental Preacher/Moralizer  subself. It ceaselessly augments the Critic by pronouncing rigid right/wrong, good/bad judgments about us and other people. These tireless subselves also nourish the impressionable Guilty Child in us. They mean well, just as your shaming, blaming (wounded, overwhelmed) caregivers (and their ancestors) did.

      Shame has been called wryly "the gift that goes on giving," because shamed-based (wounded) parents often unintentionally pass it on to their kids. Overly-shamed kids and adults can feel ashamed of their shame and other wounds.

  How does shame relate to guilt?

      Shame is the feeling and belief that "I am bad, unworthy, and unlovable." Guilt is the emotional response to feeling "I broke (someone's) rule  - a should (not), must (not), cannot, ought to, have to, etc. Usually, guilt amplifies shame ("I broke the rule, so I am bad.") The psychological wounds of excessive shame and guilt feel very similar, but they have different roots and merit different healing (recovery) strategies.

  How does shame relate to humiliation and embarrassment?

      Shameful thoughts and feelings are a private experience. We feel embarrassed or humiliated when our shameful traits and behaviors are exposed publicly - specially to people who's opinion of us matters. Our critical subselves can embarrass us, and/or other people may ridicule and humiliate us publically if we're not clear on our personal identity and rights.

      A universal "shame gauntlet" kids must navigate is the merciless criticisms of middle-school and high school classmates (and some adults) - specially as puberty and early sexuality lends angst and exciting confusion to our journey toward young adulthood.

Bottom line - during childhood and puberty, our infantile "bad me" feelings become a Shamed Child subself. S/He is continually influenced by our well-intentioned Inner Critic, Perfectionist, and Preacher subselves and by certain people.

  When does normal (healthy) shame become excessive?

      All emotions range from faint to extreme - e.g. "unease" to panic, and annoyance (irritation) to rage. Moderate (normal) shame is helpful - it alerts us to adjust our attitudes and behaviors to avoid significant discomforts.

      For example, feeling "I'm ashamed (and guilty) because I'm often late to school or work," can motivate learning why and how to be more prompt. When normal shame is balanced by a steady, positive self-perception, it does not seriously degrade our overall self-respect or relationships or cause "too many" of the symptoms on page 2. 

      Note that you can feel "global" self respect ("I'm a good person..."), and still feel "local" shame and guilts about one or more social roles (responsibilities) - e.g. "...but I'm ashamed and guilty that I'm not a better parent / sibling / neighbor / spouse / Baptist / citizen / bus driver / pianist / tennis player / speaker...").

      Well-intentioned Guardian subselves will try to distort reality to protect against the pain of admitting excessive shame. If your resident true Self is free to guide your other subselves, s/he will (a) admit shame without undue guilt or self-scorn, and (b) evolve an effective plan to reduce it and other significant psychological wounds over time.

 How does excessive shame relate to pride and humility?

      Were you taught that pride is a "sin" and/or a sign of self-centeredness, a swelled head, and/or egotism? Typical shame-based survivors of childhood neglect are often taught shaming beliefs like these.

      Premise: healthy pride is a feeling of non-egotistical approval, respect, admiration, and appreciation for a person's or a group's traits, talents, goals, and achievements. Excessive pride ("I am / we are / they are / better than others") is called egotism, elitism, racism, prejudice, and/or bigotry. These always foster hurt, resentment, antagonism, conflict, anxiety, distrust, and low-nurturance relationships and families.

      Humility is minimizing your personal traits, talents, assets, status, and achievements. It can range from healthy ("I see me or us as being of equal dignity and worth to other persons") to toxic ("I am/we are inferior to other persons or groups, and don't merit special praise or rewards.") Humility can be genuine or pretended, and moderate to excessive. When denied and/or justified ("It's God's commandment"), excessive humility promotes...

• self abuse and self neglect,

• excessive personal and/or group shame and guilt, and...

• psychological wounding in minor kids. 

What were you taught about "being humble" as a child? What are you teaching your kids about it? (e.g. "Don't brag!") See this for perspective on the pervasive Christian value of excessive humility and the "sin" of personal pride (superiority).

      Recall - we're exploring aspects of the common psychological wound of excessive shame.

 How does excessive shame relate to submission and assertion?

      Sometimes submitting (giving in) to others' needs, values, and opinions promotes social harmony and cooperation. Compulsive submission suggests significant psychological wounding. Typical survivors of low-nurturance childhoods often unconsciously feel inferior, so they don't deserve or expect social respect, fairness, or equal consideration with others' needs and opinions. 

      Assertion is the vital relationship skill of knowing how and when to declare your needs, opinions, and limits. As kids, average Grown Nurtured Children (GNCs) are taught to respect their own rights, values, and needs as much as other people's, and to assert them with confidence.

      Typical Grown Wounded Children (GWCs) are not taught this, and may submit or assert with ambivalence, guilt, timidity, and anxiety. They grow used to enduring the uncomfortable results of sending chronic "I'm 1-down" (inferior) messages to other people, and not filling their needs.

       Intentionally empowering your true Self and reducing excessive shame and guilts over time causes genuine self-respect, "promoting yourself to equal," and calm, firm, respectful assertions.

 How does excessive shame relate to addictions?

       Premise - any true addiction (toxic compulsion) is...

• a sure sign of a low-nurturance (dysfunctional) birth family;

• a sign of significant personal inner pain and inherited psychological wounds, and...

• a strategy by protective Guardian subselves to reduce, that pain, despite toxic results. True addictions always provide local relief - and relentlessly increase the inner pain (shame + guilt + remorse + anxiety) that promotes them.

      The self-destructive pain > addiction > more pain spiral continues until the person dies prematurely or hits true bottom and commits to true addiction recovery - i.e. to finding another way to reduce their inner pain. Stable addiction recovery ("sobriety") is required for effective psychological healing. When you finish here, see these articles for more perspective on addictions and sobriety.

 How does excessive shame relate to psychological wound reduction?

      Premise - growing up in a low-nurturance childhood family promotes up to six significant psychological wounds. One wound is excessive shame. Lesson 1 in this nonprofit Web site focuses on identifying and reducing these wounds. This article proposes how to convert excessive shame to normal, and increase self respect and self love.

      Most people who hit true bottom and commit to personal wound-reduction ("recovery") will have to break long-held protective denials to admit and reduce excessive shame and guilts. These wounds are usually caused by a powerful, reactive Shamed  Child, a Guilty Child, perhaps other Inner Kids, and their tireless narrowly-focused Guardian subselves.

      An Inner Child's core belief that "I'm not good, worthy, or lovable" can block other subselves' seeking wound-recovery, and/or sabotage their efforts to empower the wise resident true Self to lead. This is specially likely when fearful, distrustful subselves perceive wound-recovery as unneeded, unsafe, hopeless, and/or "too hard."

      Establishing a trusting relationship between the true Self and a resident Shamed Child (and similar subselves) takes great patience, sensitivity, and compassion to accomplish . This is most likely if the recovering person intentionally chooses a support network of people led by their true Selves.

  What's the opposite of excessive shame?

      It is non-egotistical pride,  self love, self respect, and self-nurturance (vs. self neglect). These come from key attitudes steadily held by your governing subselves in most or all situations and relationships. A key attitude is some version of this...

 "I am a good, valuable, useful, lovable child / adult / person no matter what anyone else says or implies. I have talents to develop (and non-shameful limitations) which empower me to bring unique value and worth to other living things and our world."

+ + +

      How can you tell if someone (like you) has inherited the psychological wound of excessive shame?

  Typical Symptoms of Excessive Shame

      There are many signs, all caused by the Shamed Child, Critic, Perfectionist, and Preacher personality subselves. The more of these traits a person has, the more likely s/he is a shame-based Grown Wounded Child (GWC).

      See if you recognize any of these symptoms. They are not prioritized. Options: (a) after rating yourself, ask someone who knows you well to rate you honestly on each of these traits; (b)  use this trait-list to track your healing progress over time.

__ 1)  Having a rigid core belief like...“I am a bad, weak, unlovable, undeserving, inept, unattractive, stupid, powerless, worthless (person / man / woman / partner / parent / child).”

__ 2)  Being excessively zealous, defensive, rigid, dogmatic, and/or “preachy” about "sin," moral righteousness; God; the Devil; the Bible, Torah, or Koran; Hell; “the one true religion,” and/or about being “damned” or “saved.”

__ 3)  Habitual self-centeredness and significant egotism.

__ 4)  Having one or more active addictions to substances (including fat, sugar, and some carbohydrates), activities (e.g. work, spending, gambling, pornography, or working out), certain relationships (codependence) and/or emotional states (e.g. excitement, rage, spiritual ecstasy, or sexual arousal and release). 

__ 5)  Constant belittling, discounting, and criticizing yourself and/or others.

__ 6)  Repeatedly choosing menial jobs below personal capabilities; Avoiding “responsibilities” excessively. 

__ 7)  A compulsion to rescue needy or disadvantaged others; championing and identifying with “underdogs.”

__ 8)  Having few or no real friends; and/or being consistently drawn to other (unrecovering) wounded, needy companions and partners.

__ 9)  Excessive social isolation or a compulsion to socialize and be charming and the center of attention.

__ 10)  Excessive sensitivity and defensiveness to perceived criticism or rejection.

__ 11)  Habitually avoiding eye contact, and being apologetic or defensive about that. 

__ 12)  Often misperceiving neutral feedback as criticism, and/or wrongly assuming unspoken criticisms.

__ 13)  Excessive concern with personal and/or social blame and fault-finding.

__ 14)  Feeling "irrationally" guilty and/or anxious about earned successes (The "Imposter Syndrome").

__ 15)  Obsessing about “my rights” or "I (don't) deserve...," or “equality" or "fairness." 

__ 16)  Endlessly focusing on past “mistakes” in private or publicly.

__ 17)  Habitually putting your own opinions, needs, and welfare last (vs. equal).

__ 18)  Having an unreasonable fear of “failing,” "losing," or “making mistakes.”

__ 19)  Never admitting “mistakes” or compulsively apologizing all the time.

More common symptoms of excessive shame... 

__ 20)  Habitually unflattering, inappropriate, and/or “sloppy” clothing, grooming, and/or hygiene. 

__ 21)  Obsessive concern with personal, professional, social, vehicle, and/or dwelling appearances.

__ 22)  Compulsive perfectionism ("I can't help it"), and/or a driven need to "win," and/or “be the best," or "be number 1.”

__ 23)  Compulsively “shading the truth” or lying  directly or by omission, and denying it to avoid expected ridicule, criticism, or disapproval (also a symptom of excessive fears).

__ 24)  Notable self neglect - e.g. resisting or avoiding appropriate medical care: rarely or never seeing a doctor, dentist, gynecologist, or eye specialist for checkups or illnesses; not getting or taking prescribed medications; poor personal hygiene;.

__ 25)  Choosing unhealthy diets, habits (e.g. smoking), lack of exercise, and/or toxic environments; and ignoring, deflecting, minimizing, explaining, analyzing, or joking about this

__ 26)  Rarely buying anything “nice” or “special” for one’s self, or taking fun trips or vacations.

__ 27)  Deflecting, discounting, and/or rejecting deserved compliments, and “being very hard on myself.”

__ 28)  Chronically giving time and energy to others, and getting little or nothing in return.

__ 29)  Avoiding self-assessment for psychological wounds, and/or true personal recovery.

__ 30)  Repeatedly choosing, justifying, and tolerating relationships, situations, and/or environments which promote major shame.

__ 31)  Being unable to do this self-love exercise;

__ 32)  Repeatedly taking risks that result in self-harm, humiliation, and/or loss of self and social respect. Denying or justifying an active addiction is a common example.

__ 33)  Rarely requesting or demanding what one wants, or doing so anxiously and expecting rejection, rather than asserting calmly; Being timid, passive, quiet, reserved, or aggressive, self-centered, and/or a bully.

__ 34)  Not setting and/or enforcing wholistically-healthy limits (boundaries) with one's Self and others.

__ 35)  Tolerating and/or justifying a core belief like “I don’t deserve or expect success, love, security, comfort, friends, and/or nice things.”

__ 36)  Self-sabotage - repeatedly “setting one’s self up” for failure, disappointment, frustration, and/or losses, and feeling or saying “I can’t help it,” "it doesn't matter," "I don't care," or "I deserve it."

__ 37)  Frequently choosing long-suffering victim, saint, or martyr roles in key relationships and social settings, and not questioning why.

__ 38)  Choosing a direct-contact human-service profession - e.g. clergy, counseling, medicine, education, law enforcement, consulting, coaching, training, driving public vehicles, customer service, casework, .. (yes, there are exceptions!)

      So what can you do about this cripplintg psychoological wound?

Typical Shame-conversion Options

      This two-part video provides options for improving self respect. The video mentions eight self-improvement lessons in this Web site. I've since reduced that to 7.

      Converting excessive shame to guilt-free self respect and self love is part of a larger project: harmonizing all your personality subselves under the leadership of your wise true Self and other Manager subselves.

      Read this whole section before following any underlined links. It outlines:

• internal (parts work) healing options; and...

• external (social) options for converting shame to healthy pride.

Internal (Parts Work) Options

__ 1)  _ Read online "lesson 1" _ and assess yourself for inherited psychological wounds. _ Commit to long-term personal healing ("recovery.")

__ 2) _ identify your personality subselves. and _ learn how to do "parts work."

__ 3)  Use your version of this parts-work strategy to raise your self esteem

__ 4)  When you're undistracted, read and integrate these ideas on increasing self confidence, and self love.

__ 5)  If you're raising young children, see these ideas about protecting them against early shame. The ideas apply to your Inner Children too!

Pause, breathe, and notice what you're aware of now. We've just reviewed key steps in converting internally-caused shame (low self esteem) into healthy pride and self love. Next let's look at how to...

Block External (Social) Sources of Shame

      The mistaken belief that "I'm bad and unlovable" comes from...some

• some early-childhood adults; and...

• some personality subselves; and,,,

• critical and disapproving people, and perhaps...

• a shame-based religion and church.

This section offers specific ways to calmly block the last two of these sources Note that we'll focus on people who promote significant guilt in another article.

      For perspective, think of one or more people or groups in your life who shame (scorn. discount, disrespect) you openly or covertly. Meditate on how you usually react: silent seething and resentment? Apologies? Whining? Anger? Hostility? Excuses? Avoidance? Numbing out? Crying? Complaining? Collapsing? Name-calling? Self-criticism and disgust? Addiction? "Depression"?

      Read this whole section before following any underlined links: Select from these options to best-fit your situation: Numbering continues from above.

__ 6)  Essential - work steadily to harmonize your team of subselves under the wise leadership of your true Self, other Managers, and Higher Power (Lesson 1). As part of this process, patiently follow options 1 thru 9 above. Most other self-help advisors omit this requisite. 

__ 7)  As you relate to other people, use this self-awareness exercise to notice significant feelings of shame and disrespect. Identify the specific behaviors that cause these feelings - e.g. sneering, interrupting, criticizing, disparaging, name-calling, guilt-tripping, manipulating, eye-rolling, labeling ("that's a stupid idea!"); humiliating, dictating, controlling, and/or physical intrusion, aggression, and/or abuse. Look for patterns over time. Each such behavior will cause your Shamed Child to spasm, and will probably activate your Critic, Perfectionist, Preacher, and Pessimist subselves.

__  8)  Take this quiz about interpersonal communication knowledge. If you can't answer most items, invest time in studying online lesson 2 at https://sfhelp.org/cx/guide2,htm. Otherwise, select from these options.

__  9)  Study this sample Bill of Personal Rights, and then draft your own. Knowing and believing in your rights as a dignified erson is the basis for effective assertion.

__  10)  Protect your integrity. Define the core values by which you want to live your life, like honesty, compassion, tolerance, forgiveness, self-nurturance, and respect for your body, Spirit, and the environment. Living by these values consciously promotes healthy pride and self respect. Ignoring these values (violating your integrity) promotes shame and guilt.

__  11) Pick a person who tends to shame you. Identify (a) specifically how they behave that shames and/or disrespects you, and (b) how you feel when they do (e.g. irritated, hurt, resentful, demeaned, anxious, guilty, frustrated, angry, weary, etc.) Each feeling comes from an activated personality subself like your Shamed Child..

__  12) When you're centered, compose a three part ''I''-message that you'll give to the shamer - ideally in person after they disrespect you. Use these examples as guides. Role-play your  assertion out loud until you're comfortable with it. If any subselves are nervous or opposed to this, remind them of your Rights as a dignified, worthy person.

__ 13) Imagine specifically how this person is likely to respond to your I-message - e.g. scoffing, anger, changing the subject, sarcasm, silence, complaining, blaming, etc. Compose an empathic listening statement that objectively summarizes their response, and practiced it out loud .

      Recall - these are options for reducing social (external) sources of shame.

__  14) The next time the person shames you, use your I-message and empathic listening (17  and 18) as often as needed, until you feel heard. If your Pleaser gets anxious, remind that Guardian and Inner Kids that your self-esteem and integrity are more important than being liked.

__  15) If the person psychologically wounded (a GWC), choose from these relationship options; They apply to anyone, including mates, parents, friends, and older kids.

__  16) If the person isn't respecting your boundaries, consider these options.

__  17) If the person is a child, review these communication suggestions.

__  18) Use this framework with each person who shames you. The more you use it, the more habitual and reflexive it will become. Each time you assert your feelings, values, needs, and boundaries (honor your integrity) notice what happens to your self respect and pride.

__  19)  Evaluate whether your religious or spiritual beliefs and practices may promote significant shame, guilt, and/or fears. If they do, help your subselves find and adopt a more nourishing faith.

__  20)  See this succinct review of the power of positive self esteem by Dr. Nathaniel Branden. I also recommend John Bradshaw's practical book Healing the Shame That Binds You.

__  21)  As you evolve your version of these healing options, keep working patiently at converting internal shame to self-love (options 1 to 10). Use the symptom checklist above to track your progress over time.

__  22)  keep your perspective: converting excessive shame is an important part of freeing your true Self and reducing all your inherited psychological wounds over time ("recovery").

__  23)  If you know other people burdened by excessive shame, consider referring them to online lesson 1 and/or this article. The overarching goal here is to alert people to the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle and motivate them to break it!

+ + +

      Pause, breathe, and reflect. what are you aware of now? Are you significantly burdened by excessive and/or chronic "low self esteem (shame)? If so, how motivated are you to use the options above to exchange your shame for guilt-free self-respect and self love?

      If you have inner voices (thoughts) that say "This won't work!":  "This is too hard!"; "I'll never be able to do these options!" etc., know that short-sighted false selves are trying to guard you from scary change and disappointment. Don't  give in to them! Your Shamed Child depends on your Self for release from his or her life-long burden of undeserved shame!

Recap

      This article is one of a series in Lesson 1 on healing six common psychological wounds inherited by typical survivors of early-childhood abandonment, neglect and abuse (trauma).

      This article offers...

• Perspective on the crippling wound of excessive shame ("low self esteem");

• "Shame 101": how excessive shame relates to guilt, pride, self respect, humility, egotism, embarrassment, assertiveness, addiction, and wound-recovery;

• A checklist of typical behavioral symptoms of excessive shame, and...

• 28 Practical suggestions on how to permanently shift excessive shame toward non-egotistical self-respect, pride, and self-love. .

      Recall - this is one of several wound-assessment checklists in Lesson-1.

      Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get what you needed? If not, what do you need? Who's answering these questions - your true Self, or ''someone else''?

 This article was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful   

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