BREAK THE CYCLE, Lesson 1 - sfhelp.org

Parts-work Strategies, continued (p. 2 of 4)

  EXCESSIVE DISTRUSTS (GWC wound)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you if you distrust other people, your Self, and/or a Higher Power "too much."

      Excessive distrust is one of six widespread psychological wounds from early-childhood trauma. It is caused by several Inner Kids and Guardian subselves distrusting the true Self's wisdom, and disabling it in some or all situations.

      Normal distrust ("caution") protects against injury and pain. Excessive distrust inhibits decisiveness and interpersonal intimacy. Distrust in a benign Higher Power promotes anxiety and despair.

      Some wounded people trust other people too easily - they're called gullible and naive. This is usually caused by the person being controlled by a very young Naive Inner Child, and a People-pleaser Guardian subself who distrusts the true Self's judgment.

Strategy goals

• Learn to trust your own judgment, and...

• gain confidence in deciding who can be trusted with what.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you learn to trust yourself and selected other people with confidence, Use your image to motivate your parts work.

__  For perspective, view this brief YouTube video on (re)gaining lost trust.

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator,   Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  Read this article on the psychological wound of excessive distrust.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Scared Child  subself, and learn what you can about what - specifically - s/he fears. _ Introduce the Child to your Nurturer and/or Guardian Angel, and _ bring this Child to live comfortably in the present with your other subselves. If you have a Hurt and/or Abandoned Child, work with them the same way

      If any Inner Child remembers a major early-childhood trauma, consider redoing it when the time seems right.  

__  Befriend your Skeptic/Doubter Guardian subself

_ Learn what s/he is trying to, do and _ why (which Inner Child/ren is s/he protecting?).

_ If this subself doesn't live in the present, invite it to tour and come to live in the present time,

_ confirm that your Doubter doesn't trust your true Self to keep your Inner Kids safe. If so, _ negotiate and build this trust, so the Doubter can relax and stop taking you over.

_ Retrain this subself and/or reassign it to a new inner-family role.

__ Repeat these steps with these well-meaning Guardian subselves...

_ your Pessimist ("you'll fail! / They'll laugh at you! / There is no God!. /.....!");

_ your Worrier ("Something bad may happen if you...!")  and...

_ your Catastrophizer ("Something awful will happen!") subselves. 

__ Review your subselves to see if you have a Replayer who tries to protect some Inner Child/ren by ceaselessly replaying memories and images of past traumatic experiences. If you do. follow the steps above for Skeptic/Doubter.

__  If you feel torn about trusting yourself or another person, get quiet and listen for the "still, small voice" of your Wise One or your Spiritual One (your instinct). For perspective on trusting your instincts, read the interesting book Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell

__  If you're currently influenced by other people who encourage you to doubt and distrust, teach your subselves it's OK to trust in your own judgment - even if others criticize you for doing so.

__  If you lack self esteem, see this strategy. If you lack self-confidence, study this article.

__  If you trust other people too easily and are often disappointed or betrayed, work with your Naive/Innocent  Inner Child. Then work with your Magician  and People-pleaser subselves to get them to relax and trust your Self's judgment.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible guideline, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others that occur to you.

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or  joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

  EMOTIONAL UNAVAILABILITY (GWC wound)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you have difficulty feeling concern, empathy, and love for  other people.

      People with this wound are often described as aloof, cold, insensitive, uncaring, unavailable, over intellectual, distant, unresponsive, passive, wooden, inscrutable, and "flat."

      This tragic condition seems to occur when a person has inherited all five other psychological wounds from early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse. Implication: healing these wounds over time can improve your emotional availability.

Strategy goals - over time, increase your abilities to...

• reduce protective psychological numbing, and feel the full range of emotions, including love;

• empathize with and genuinely care about (bond with) other people; and to

• achieve stable intimacy with trusted people.   

__  For perspective, view this brief YouTube video on The truth about emotional unavailability.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you could serenely feel, empathize, bond, and love. Refer to your image to motivate your parts work.

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  Read this article on difficulty bonding, empathizing, and loving

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  One at a time. work with these Inner Children:

Shamed Abandoned

Scared Loner

Hurt Sad

Distrustful Overwhelmed

Doing this allows protective Guardian subselves to trust your Managers to keep your Kids safe, and accept retraining and/or reassignment to a new inner-family job.

__  If you have a Numb-er / Anesthetist or a Represser Guardian subself,

_ Befriend it, and _ learn what s/he is trying to, do and _ why (which Inner Child/ren is s/he protecting?).

_ If this subself doesn't live in the present, invite it to come to live in the present time,

_ confirm that this Guardian doesn't trust your true Self to keep your Inner Kids safe. If so, _ negotiate and build that trust so your  Numb-er can relax and stop taking you over..

_ Retrain this valuable subself and/or reassign it to a new inner-family role.

__  Grow more aware of what you're feeling. _ Read this article an awareness, and _ make this simple awareness exercise a habit.

__  Learn about awareness bubbles, and become aware of your "bubble" with adults and kids. Strive for a "two-person bubble."

__  Work patiently at these strategies to improve your self trust and self esteem (pride).

__  Read these articles on empathy, and self love, and notice which of your subselves react - and why.

__  Invest time in studying and applying online lessons 2 (effective communication skills) and 4 (relationship skills).

__  Review the goals of this parts-work strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible guideline, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

 

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

EGOTISM / ARROGANCE

      Use this parts-work strategy If you're often accused of being self-centered, egotistical, bigoted, prejudiced, and/or arrogant.

      Adults and kids can be controlled by false selves who believe their host person is superior to some or all other people, and they are entitled to have things their way. This is often an unconscious attempt to offset the pain of excessive shame from early childhood abandonment and neglect. It can also be a learned attitude from wounded (shame-based) caregivers who preach superiority.

      This attitude of superiority and entitlement always degrades interpersonal communication and relationships. People burdened with this distorted attitude often deny, justify, minimize, joke, or ignore it and its effects.

Strategy goals - put your Self in charge, convert shame to self-love, and retrain your subselves to accept that all people are of equal worth, despite differences in ancestry, color, knowledge, gender, beliefs, occupation, and abilities.

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Steadily work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Inventory your subselves to see if you have an Egotist and/or an Entitled One Guardian subself who believes that you're "better than" some or most people. If so...

_ Befriend them, and _ learn what they're trying to do (who are they trying to protect?);.

_  If they're living in the past, invite them respectfully to join you all in the present.

_ If this part distrusts your Self to lead, work patiently to gain its trust and willingness to stop taking you over.

_  Learn if this subself fears something would happen if they accepted that all people are equal in dignity and worth; ("But people will walk all over us!") If so. debunk the fear.

_ Retrain the Guardian/s to understand that promoting an attitude of superiority misleads your Inner Kids and causes you significant social criticism and conflict.

_  If this subself is blindly following an early-childhood hero/ine ("Men are better than women!") or Holy Book ("We are God's chosen people"), respectfully suggest those teachers were mistaken. Option - consider calling an inner-family council meeting, and re-educate everyone as needed.

_ If needed, teach the Egotist the value of empathy and mutual respect. Option - consider asking this Guardian subself to change his/her inner-family role to "Empathizer" (a Manager).

__  Assess whether you have a Selfish and/or Entitled Inner Child.  If so,

_ befriend them, and _ introduce them to your Nurturer and perhaps Guardian Angel;

_ bring the Child/ren to live in the present, and _ introduce them to your inner family,

_ teach them to reject the suggestions of superiority from the Egotist/Bigot subself and/or other people, _ and to consider other people's feelings and needs as well as their own, and...

_ encourage the Child/ren to trust that your true Self and other Manager subselves will steadily value and care for them and keep them safe.

__  Assess whether there are living, dead, or fictional people in your life who encourage or demand that you view yourself as superior in some way. If so, _ review your personal rights, and _ have a real or imaginary confrontation with each of them to say that you respectfully disagree with their point of view.

__  Option - meditate on these ideas about how to manage values conflicts with other people (and between subselves).

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

 

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

  CHRONIC or EXCESSIVE GUILTS ( GWC wound)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you're regularly stressed by significant guilts, and/or if you suffer from excessive situational guilt.

      Guilt is the normal mental/emotional response from feeling we have "done something wrong" - i.e. if we have broken a rule. Normal guilt is useful for helping us regulate our behavior. Excessive guilt is one of six common psychological wounds from early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse (trauma). It degrades our self esteem, our relationships, and our life quality. Guilt commonly amplifies shame - low self esteem.

Strategy goal - reduce excessive and/or chronic guilts to normal.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you could end chronic, crippling guilts, Use your image to power progress on this parts-work strategy

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps..

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  For perspective, _ view this brief YouTube video on reducing excessive guilt, and _ read this related article.

__  Draft a list of the specific _ current and _ recurring guilts that burden you. Expect to modify the list as you progress with this strategy.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Guilty Child, and _ introduce him/her to your Nurturer.

__  If your Child lives in the past, invite her/him to join you (all) in the present.

__ if your Child is old enough...

_ explain what rules are, and...

_ say that your Managers are going to make some helpful new rules [should (not)s, must (not)s, have to's, cannots, etc.] for you all to live by.

_ Teach all your subselves your rights as a worthy, valuable person. Answer any questions that occur. If Doubter or Skeptic parts activate, see this trust-building strategy.

_ One at a time, identify the specific rules your Guilty Child feels s/he as broken recently or in the past. Validate the rule or replace it with a more realistic one based on your personal rights and your situation. Review these examples for ideas.

_ Review these ideas on (self) forgiveness, and teach what's appropriate to your Child.

_ For each broken rule, decide if you should apologize to someone or not. If so, use assertion and empathic-listening skills to do so. _ Try defining what's needed for an effective apology.

_  If you have a Obedient Child (Good Boy / Good Girl) that feels anxious about rejecting some old family-adult rules, _ introduce them to your Nurturer, _ bring them to the present, and _ and review your personal rights with them.

_ Ask your Guilty Child to confer with your Nurturer any time s/he feels s/he has broken someone's rule. Validate the rule or replace it.

__  Follow these same steps with your Shamed Child.

__  Hold one or several inner council meetings to update all your subselves on why and how you're replacing outdated rules with new ones. Ask for suggestions and questions.

__  Plan to retrain: identify specifically how you would like your Inner Critic and Perfectionist subselves to change so they won't stress your Guilty and Shamed Children. For example:

• Plan to ask your devoted Critic to...

_ trust your Self to keep you all safe, and stop taking you over;;

_ stop using sarcasm and judgmental labels like stupid, idiot, loser etc. because it's burdening your Guilty and Shamed Inner Kids,

_ ask "what did you learn?" (from making a mistake),

_ offer feedback once, rather than nagging and repeating,

_ make positive suggestions ("Next time, it might be better if you...")

_  offer congratulations and praise when you succeed at some challenge or task; and...

_ consider taking a new inner-family role and title like "My Coach."

• Plan to ask your Perfectionist to settle for "good enough," and to congratulate you if you're ever "perfect,"

__  Now implement your plan..:

_ Befriend your Inner Critic and Perfectionist (Guardian) subselves

_ Teach each of them that they're stressing your Guilty and Shamed Inner Kids by taking your Self over and focusing repeatedly on failures, mistakes, and imperfections,

_  Learn what each of them fears would happen if they relaxed, and _ convince them your Inner Kids are now safe and cared for by your Managers (and Higher Power?)

_ retrain these subselves as needed (above). This often means identifying key attitudes and beliefs they were taught as a child, and replacing them with healthier ones, Option - _ use inner-family council discussions to define acceptable new rules and attitudes.

__  Identify people in your life who cause you feel significant guilt. Based on your personal rights, compose and deliver assertive I-messages to ask or demand that they stop "guilt-tripping" you.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible guideline, not a rigid "cookbook," Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you. Periodically reread this article to refresh your awareness

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

 

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

  PSYCHOLOGICAL "DISORDERS"

      Use this parts-work strategy if you believe (or have been told) you have any of the many personality and mood disorders like Attention Deficit (ADD), Bipolar, Borderline, Schizo-affective. Antisocial, Depersonalization, Paranoid, etc.

      "Mental illness" can be caused by organic malfunctions and/or psychological damage. It ranges from mild and episodic to severe and chronic. Traditionally, psychological "disorders" have been diagnosed as  "diseases" and treated with medications (the "medical model") - though psychological damage is not caused by germs or cellular malfunction. Medication  ,ay ease the symptoms, but doesn't heal the underlying wounds.

      Only a tiny fraction of mental health professionals and their instructors know about personality subselves and internal family system (IFS) therapy.  They continue to use the century-old medical (Freudian) model of diagnosis and treatment codified the psychiatric Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). This model is gradually being supplanted by family systems therapy first proposed in the 1950s.

      The DSM lists hundreds of labels (diagnoses) for different sets of pathological symptoms, grouped by type - e.g. "mood disorders," "personality disorders," and so on. The media uses these labels to describe mental health topics, which perpetuates the outdated medical model and public ignorance.

      If this is true, then IFS and family therapy can be used to reduce most non-organic psychological "disorders." Little is known on how personality subselves may relate to physiological (organic) problems. For more perspective on this opinion, view this brief video and article on "mental illness".

Strategy goal - reduce the symptoms your non-organic psychological "disorder" using education and parts work.

      Because each psychological "disorder" is caused by a unique mix of subselves and misinformation, each problem merits its own parts-work strategy. I propose that this general strategy applies to any non-organic psychological problem:

1) _ learn about psychological wounds and personality subselves  in Lesson 1, _ list your subselves, and _ learn how to dialog with them;

2) _ Through inner interviews, discover which Guardian subselves and Inner Kids are causing your disorder;

3) _ Introduce each relevant Inner Child to your Nurturer (Good Parent). _ see if s/he is living in the past, and _ bring them to live in the present;

4) assess all your subselves for toxic (wound-amplifying) beliefs, and correct them as needed; This includes replacing any toxic religious and/or spiritual beliefs.

5) identify which subselves distrust and disable (blend with) your true Self, and correct that using inner imagery and dialogs;

6) assess your social environment (home + family + work or school + community) for dysfunction and ignorance Choose a more nurturing environment as needed.

      Let's look more closely at this general parts-work strategy for reducing non-organic psychological "disorders":

  Sample Strategy - "Bipolar Disorder"

      Use this parts-work strategy if you're troubled by recurring (cyclic) manic and depressed mood swings. Bipolar Disorder is described non-clinically as being "manic-depressive."

      :"Mania" is a state of unusually high energy, mind racing, hyperactivity, rapid, intense speech, and (often) increased irritability. It ranges from occasional to frequent, and mild to extreme.

      Depression is a mood state characterized by apathy, low energy, sadness, gloom, and loss of appetite, and little interest in normal activities. It can range from mild to "clinical" (severe), and episodic (occasional) to chronic.

      Treatment to manage these mood states and swings often involves physician-prescribed drugs for "mood stabilization" + traditional psychotherapy - not including parts work.

Strategy goals -

_ reduce episodes of mania and depression to normal in frequency, intensity, and duration;

_ end any dependence on mood-control drugs; and

_ resume a balanced life, including sleep cycles.

      Premise - this "mood disorder" occurs in Grown Wounded Children  (GWCs) who are unaware of their inherited psychological wounds and, inner pain, and of their Hyper and Sad Inner Children alternately disabling their true Self.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you permanently overcome the "bipolar disorder" someone says you have, Use your image to motivate you to do this parts-work strategy.

_  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Steadily work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Useful mottos: "A day at a time" and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  Ground yourself: search the Web for info on "Bipolar Disorder," and compare what you find to this brief YouTube video.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Review your roster of subselves and see if you have an Excited or Hyper Inner Child. . If so,

_ befriend them, and _ introduce them to your Nurturer and perhaps Guardian Angel or Higher Self.;

_ bring this Child to live in the present, and _ introduce her or him to your inner family,

_ negotiate a way for your Nurturer to supervise this Child and create "quiet times" if s/he gets too excited

__  Manic thinking and activity may be an attempt to distract you from inner pain. Befriend your Critic, Perfectionist, Pleaser, Achiever, and/or any other subself believes you "have to be active all the time." If so, ask what the part thinks would happen if you slowed down (who are they protecting?)

__  If any of these Guardians identify one or more Inner Kids they're protecting, work with each such Child until they're safely supervised by your Nurturer in the present.

__ Let these Guardians know your Inner Kids are safe, Then retrain the Guardians as needed toward _ trusting your Self to lead, and _ balancing work, play, and rest. Option - call a council meeting of all your subselves to discuss this balance.

__  See if any real or fictional people you admire are encouraging or rewarding your hyperactivity. If so, put your Self in charge and decide if their influence is healthy for you. If it's not, confront, ignore, or distance yourself from them, despite any resistance from your People Pleaser or Worrier. 

__  If you have significant depressed episodes, see this parts-work strategy.

__  if you're using one or more mood-control drug like lithium, experiment with reducing or ending it. Tell your physician what you're doing. and any changes in manic episodes you experience over time Option - give your doctor a copy of this article.

__  Option - track your progress by charting your manic and depressive episodes by date. Ask others around you of they notice any changes in your mood and behavior.

+ + +

      This strategy outline illustrates how to use IFS parts work to reduce or end most non-organic "mental illnesses" like mood and personality disorders. Each disorder is caused by a different mix of Inner Kids, Guardians, and environmental factors, but the strategy overview at the top of this example applies to all of them.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook," Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

__  Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

__  Reflect on and enjoy your increasing ability to cause permanent positive changes in your subselves and your personality!

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 INDECISION (Self doubt)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you often have trouble making confident decisions.

      Premise - if free to do so, your true Self knows how to evaluate situations, prioritize your options, and make wise decisions in any situation.

      Several well-meaning but distrustful personality parts can disable your Self and cause chronic uncertainty in making decisions - e.g. your Doubter, Catastrophizer, People Pleaser, Worrier, Pessimist, Saboteur, and Scared Child/ren. Another factor can be your subselves' not knowing how to think clearly, and assert, and problem-solve effectively.

Strategy Goals

• identify which subselves cause your indecision, and persuade them to trust your Self and other Manager subselves to make wise decisions in any situation, and...

• teach all subselves how to think, assert, and problem-solve effectively

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you permanently replace self-doubt with self confidence, Use your image to motivate you as you implement this parts-work strategy.

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  Steadily work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Gain perspective on growing your self confidence.

__  One root of indecisiveness is fear, so review this strategy to reduce significant anxiety

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Befriend your Scared Child, and work with her or him to live safely in the present under the loving care of your Nurturer.

__  One at a time, use inner dialogs to befriend and assess whether your Doubter, Pessimist, Catastrophizer, Saboteur, Pleaser, and Worrier parts (Guardian subselves) trust your true Self to make wise decisions. lf any of them distrust and disable your Self...

_ make sure the subself lives in the present time and knows your actual age (and wisdom)

_ make sure this subself _ knows all your Manager parts - including your Spiritual One and Wise One, and that s/he _ understands their ability to provide expert advice to your Self when making decisions.

_ learn what the part is afraid would happen if s/he relaxed and trusted your Self and other Managers. if s/he fears s/he would no longer be needed, reassure the part they will always have an important role in your inner family;

_  If this part is using outdated or inaccurate beliefs from your childhood, identify it and retrain them.

_ Reassure this part that the (or each) Scared Child is safe in the present, under the loving care of your Nurturer (and Guardian Angel?)

_ Use the above steps to get this part to trust and stop disabling your Self

__  Option - call an all-subself council meeting, and ask if anyone doubts your Managers' ability to make wise decisions. If anyone does, use steps like those above to increase their trust and confidence.

__  Assess whether any of the people who influence you are skeptical or cynical about your ability to make wise decisions. If there are such people, realize they're probably Grown Wounded Children who don't know their true Self is disabled.

      Reaffirm your personal rights, and (a) ignore their skepticism or (b) confront them with a respectful I-message. If they're interested, tell them about personality subselves and personal recovery. 

__  Over time, teach all your subselves to use the seven communication skills in online lesson 2. Doing so will improve the outcomes of your relationship decisions and increase your self confidence. The same is true of teaching your parts to apply healthy-relationship basics from lesson 4.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

      Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in healing using parts work.

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 MIND RACING and INSOMNIA

      Use this parts-work strategy if your mind races, you have trouble focusing, and/or you can't sleep well without drugs.

       A common cause of insomnia is anxiety and "mind-racing" - ceaseless mental chatter from active subselves. Underneath this is a disabled true Self who knows how to quiet and focus your mind when free to do so 

      Patient parts work can be effective at reducing anxieties and mind-chatter, and freeing your true self to increase serenity and healthy sleep without drugs.

Strategy Goals - Stop mind-racing, and achieve regular restful drug-free sleep.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you stop "mind tracing" and insomnia without drugs. Use your image to motivate you to use this parts-work strategy

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Steadily work to free your true Self to guide you, and _ review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  Implement this parts-work strategy to reduce significant anxiety

__  Practice this simple exercize to notice when you're experiencing "mind racing" and/or "mind chatter" - i.e. when several subselves are all talking at once.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__ Recall if you've ever been in a group of people who were all talking at once, and the group leader asserted control and got everyone to quiet down and focus. Do you remember how s/he did that? If so, imagine your Self doing the same thing with your inner chatterers.

      If you don't recall such a leader, experiment with these steps.

_  Recall that your Self is separate from each of these talkative other subselves ("inner voices"), and is a skilled leader.

_  Image this group of your Inner Kids and Guardians together, and do something to get everyone's attention, like mentally blowing an air horn and shouting "HEY!"

_  In your mind, say something like this. "STOP! You're all talking at once, and no one's listening. I can't help you when you do this. I need you to talk one at a time. Now - someone tell me what you need now." Repeat this forcefully, if necessary.

_ Listen carefully to whoever "speaks," image them if possible, and use empathic listening and problem-solving as appropriate. Do this with each vocal subself until they're all quiet.

_  If useful, thank the group and ask them to be quiet until morning so your can get some refreshing sleep.

      A real example of this strategy at work: A 30-something single Mom  with a mid-level management job in a large company told me she was having trouble sleeping. She was groggy the next day, and felt she wasn't able "to be sharp" at her job.

      She was learning to do parts work, so I invited her to do a version of the steps above. When she asked someone to speak, a part did. It gave her the image of a husky young man, and asked to be called "Hulk,"

      He acknowledged that he caused the woman to ceaselessly think about work the next day even though it prevented her from sleeping. She asked him what he thought would happen if he didn't do that, and he said forcefully "Don't you see? Obviously you'd screw up, you'd lose your job, and we'll wind up homeless on the street with your daughter starving!"

      The woman listened to "Hulk" (her Catastrophizer) respectfully, and worked to get him to try trusting her ability to manage her job without micro-reviewing it during the prior night. He eventually agreed to try trusting her and letting her sleep, but said "I'll be watching!"

      Before going to sleep each night the next week, the woman made a point to briefly "check in" with Hulk to reassure him she remained aware of his concern and their agreement. Hulk did quiet down, and she was able to sleep through the night. This was partly because her vocal Scared (Inner) Girl was no longer upset by Hulk's worries, and was quiet at night also.

      There are many other useful strategies (besides chemicals) to promote healthy sleep - a better mattress, quiet music, meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, etc. Adding parts work to any of these can be specially effective!

      Note that the first part of this strategy applies to any time your mind is racing or chaotic and you're having trouble staying focused!  

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook," and use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others ones that occur to you.

      Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

 INSENSITIVITY (LACK OF EMPATHY)

      Use this parts-work strategy if you have trouble sensing what other people are feeling, and/or if people call you "insensitive."

      Premise - adults who survived significant early-childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse (trauma) inherit up to six psychological wounds from their ancestors. The sixth wound is an inability to bond with and empathize with others, and difficulty feeling, giving, and receiving love. This inability comes from...

• never having experienced unconditional love;

• a Shamed Inner Child living in the past, who still; believes s/he is worthless, disgusting, stupid, and unlovable;

• Inner Children who believe from painful experience that it's dangerous to feel and express some or most emotions; and tireless Guardian subselves that protect them from emotional pain and overwhelm; and...

• subselves who were never taught to _ be aware of and _ to name their feelings and needs, and who _ distrust and disable your wise, resident true Self.

Strategy goals - _ increase your motivation and ability to sense what others are feeling, thinking, and needing while staying aware of yourself; and _ to increase your ability to feel, give, and receive love.

__  Vividly imagine how your life could be if you become more genuinely empathic and sensitive, Use your image to motivate you to use this parts-work strategy

__  Read this whole strategy first, to get the big picture. Watch for your Procrastinator, Skeptic, and/or Saboteur trying to block or delay your using this strategy. Work with them to relax and observe as your Self carries out these steps.

__  Patiently work to free your true Self to guide you as you implement this strategy.

__ Review the parts-work overview on p. 1. Is your Self guiding you now? If not - who is?

__  Adopt a long-range, patient point of view, rather than expecting quick changes. Mottos: "A day at a time"  and "Progress, not perfection."

__  If you have trouble with any of these parts-work steps, refer to this troubleshooting guide.

__  Read this perspective on personal awareness.

__  Implement this parts-work strategy to raise your self-esteem

__  For perspective, view this brief YouTube video on empathy

__  Read this perspective on the importance of empathy. Rate your empathy with other people from 1 (low) to 10 (high). Would people who know you describe you as "empathic"? (Option: ask them.) Meditate on whether the adults who raised you modeled empathy and encouraged it in you.

      Note thus paradox: if you don't know what empathy feels like, you won't be able to know if you're empathic without honest feedback from other people.

__  Think of one or more people who are empathic, in your opinion. Say out loud why you believe that. Then identify people in your life who you feel are not empathic. Meditate on how this lack affects you and your relationship with them.

__  If you're not as empathic as you'd like to be, try saying this put loud: "I commit to learning how to be more empathic." Be quiet, and listen to your inner voices.

__  Search the Web for "types of human emotions." Find a source that you like, and keep it as a reference as you work at this strategy. Here's a sample of what you'll find.

__  Search the Web for articles on "breathing and emotions." Here's a sample.

__  Coach yourself to become aware of your breathing in important solo and social situations; Learn to breathe from your belly, not your chest.

__  Practice this simple exercise on self-awareness until it becomes a habit. Use your list of emotions to name your feelings.

__  If you haven't worked with your Nurturer (Good Parent) subself, before, establish contact with it now. Clarify what this Manager subself exists to do. If you don't have a Nurturer, watch for chances to reassign another Guardian subself to this vital inner-family role.

__  Review your roster of subselves and work with each Inner Child - particularly your Shamed Child:

_ befriend them, and _ introduce them to your Nurturer and perhaps Guardian Angel or Higher Self.;

_ bring the Child to live in the present, and _ introduce her or him to your inner family,

_ negotiate a way for your Nurturer to supervise this Child and create "quiet times" if s/he gets too excited

_  work with the Child to find a way to stop him/her from disabling your Self

__  See if your roster of subselves includes a Numb-er/ Anesthetizer,  a Represser and/or a Blocker.  These Guardians may be trying to protect your Inner Kids by muting or "stuffing" (repressing) painful emotions. lf any of them distrusts and disables your Self...

_ make sure the part lives in the present time and knows your actual age (and wisdom)

_ make sure this subself _ knows all your Manager parts - including your  Spiritual One and Wise One - and that s/he _ understands their ability to provide expert advice to your Self when making decisions.

_ learn what the part is afraid would happen if s/he relaxed and trusted your Self and other Managers. if s/he fears s/he would no longer be needed, reassure the part s/he will always have an important role in your inner family;

_  If this part is using outdated or inaccurate beliefs or info from your childhood, identify it and retrain them.

_ Reassure this part that each Inner Child is safe in the present, under the steady loving care of your Nurturer (and Guardian Angel?)

_ Use the above steps to get this Guardian subself to trust your Self and stop disabling it (blending),

__  Choose to practice empathic listening with kids and adults.

__  Coach yourself to notice your awareness bubble in typical interactions with adults and kids. Strive for a two-person bubble.

__  Review the goals of this strategy (above) and the steps comprising it. Use this strategy as a flexible framework, not a rigid "cookbook." Use your Creative subself to edit these steps and add others that occur to you.

      Consider _ using a veteran parts-work (IFS) therapist to help with this strategy, and/or _ starting or joining a group of people interested in benefiting from parts work.

      Stay aware that the overarching goal of parts work is to harmonize your inner family and free your true Self to guide you in all situations.

This strategy was very helpful  somewhat helpful  not helpful    

strategy index

Continued on p. 3