Q7)
Who
comprises a stepchild's
nuclear family? If family members disagree on
this, what should co-parents do?
A "nuclear family"
traditionally refers to all people regularly living in a child's principle
home - usually bioparents and siblings. This is also true of a stepchild whose
custodial bioparent is a re/married widow/ er. Minor stepkids of divorcing parents
often move back and forth between each bioparent's home, so
their nuclear
stepfamily is all adults and kids regularly
living in
. This can eventually includes one or two stepparents; both
bioparents; any biological, step, and half-siblings; and any other live-in relatives.
Some adults or kids may want to exclude some residents of the
non-custodial parent's home from belonging to their nuclear stepfamily. This
is specially true if the rejecters deny their stepfamily
("We're just a family,
period!"). Such exclusions usually..
-
cause clusters of stressful
and relationship
in and between both homes,
-
confuse everyone, and...
-
hinder the growth of healthy new stepfamily
relationships and bonds.
Couples can minimize this stress by investing time and effort in
ideally
before com-mitting
and cohabiting.
Any adults' or child's reluctance to accept their stepfamily identity and/or
to in-clude an ex
mate or step-relative (a
conflict) suggests
psychological
and
probably
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Q8)
What do divorcing bioparents and stepfamily co-parents
need to
know about family man-agement and effective childcare? Where can they learn if
their role and relationship expectations are
realistic?
Typical family adults and supporters need to
study and discuss Lessons
here. To gauge the realism
of your stepfamily expectations, see and discuss this article
and this worksheet.
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Q9)
What are
common barriers to co-parents nurturing cooperatively after
divorce and/or re/ marriage, and how can the adults reduce these barriers?
Typical divorcing and stepfamily co-parents face a mix of
up to nine related
to forming an effective caregiving
team.
The core barriers are psychological
and adult
This article outlines effective options
for reducing these barriers together and raising your (step)family's
over time. For more perspective, see this
article on improving ex-mate relations.
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Q10)
What is a co-parenting style, and how can divorcing and stepfamily co-parents best
re-solve major
style conflicts?
Every bioparent and
stepparent develops a caregiving style - a set of
values,
and behaviors that shape how they nurture their dependent and grown
kids. Typical style factors are...
-
nurturing from the heart (being able to
with and truly respect and love each
unique child), vs. nurturing intellectually ("by the book") or dutifully (weak
or no real bond);
-
being
reactive and
passive (having few or no clear co-parenting
goals or plans) or proactive and involved
(having clear goals and a
coherent
to reach them for each child;
-
intentionally
learning kids' needs (reading books, taking classes,
asking questions), or parenting instinctively
("I already know what
children need");
-
focusing mainly on the kids' current and
long-term needs, or valuing co-parents' and children's needs equally;
-
valuing
and modeling spirituality and
as an essential part
of effective childcare, vs. intellectualizing, ignoring, or scorning those;
More
components of a co-parenting style...
-
disciplining children to punish bad
behavior, (cause pain) or to teach good behavior and self-respect;
-
ranking co-parenting
as a low
or high
amidst other things like
self-interest, re/-marriage, work, money, socializing, etc.;
-
seeing childcare as a
stimulating, rewarding privilege, or an onerous chore to be endured; and...
-
expecting kids to solve their own
problems, vs. patiently guiding them toward learning how to solve their
problems with appropriate guidance and help.
Which of these style-factors do you feel are most important, long term? Can you think of other
key co-parenting factors that mesh or conflict in your
past or current family? Note that these factors also shape co-grandparents' and other adults' nurturing styles.
Style factors like these are individual values or preferences. They're based more on ancestry, up-bringing, and
personality than "logic."
If adults' styles
clash significantly, their kids need them to want to
reduce any relationship barriers (Q10 above), and to forge an effective strategy together for
spotting and resolving
and
Do your family adults have such strategies yet? If not, who's responsible
for evolving them?
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Q11)
If a stepparent
has no prior child-raising experience (or none with boys, or girls, or teens),
should s/he have equal say in nurturing a stepchild? What if
stepfamily members disagree on this?
Childless stepparents' lack of caregiving experience
can causes conflicts in and between
new-stepfamily homes. Bioparents can love their new mate, and distrust and/or
disagree with her or his childcare beliefs, judgment, and actions. ("You
expect way to much from my daughter.")
Even
if a stepparent has extensive parenting experience,
most authorities agree that
it's generally best to let the bioparents make most major co-parenting
decisions in the first year or so after cohabiting.
If stepfamily relatives disagree significantly over how much childcare
authority a stepparent has, partners need to (a) agree on their shared
priorities, and
(b) learn how to recognize and resolve
and
conflicts and relationship
Are
your family adults clear on these yet? If not, see
this.
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Q12)
If a stepparent has biochildren, should s/he feel guilty or ashamed if
s/he honestly
cares more for them than their stepkids?
"Blood is thicker than
water" is a folk-saying meaning genetic bonds are usually stronger than legal
bonds or friendships. It's usually instinctive to favor your own child over a
stepchild, even if the latter has been in your life since infancy. Stepparents
can strive to be fair and impartial between biokids and step-kids, but if they feel
a preference,
is as unwarranted as for digesting food or
coughing.
blooms from believing you've broken
someone's rule - a should (not), must (not), can't,
have to, ought to.... "Love your children equally" is a
biofamily reflex and rule which often doesn't apply to average
stepfamilies. There are exceptions. If some of your
stepfamily members disagree with this point of view, you have a
to resolve.
Pretending you feel no preference when actions show otherwise sends a
which raises distrust and confusion and lowers respect. A practical
option can be to say something like "Yes, if the house were on fire, I'd
probably think of my children's safety first, but in non-fire times, I'm
trying hard to treat everyone the same. Each of you (children) is special to
me in your own way." For perspective, see this
article on managing three universal
family stressors.
Keep in mind that after family reorganizations
like parental separation and re/marriage, kids in-stinctively need to test and retest
to prove that they won't be abandoned or "demoted" because of the "new people."
This is specially true with
or
(wounded) kids from low-nurturance
childhoods.
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Co-parenting
Q&A continues on
page 2.
The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/parent/divorce/qa.htm
Questions Parents Should Ask After Divorce and Re/marriage
