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Updated
02-17-2015
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This
Lesson-4
article focuses on vital
questions that committed mates with and without dependent kids should ask about their relationship.
It extends a similar Q&A article for
seriously-dating (uncommitted) couples with and
without kids.
Before reading further, pause, breathe, and reflect - why are you reading this?
What do you
need?
Background
Typical adults seek a partner to share their lives with. Each mate
tries to fill a group of concurrent
needs
by committing to a primary relationship. Their wholistic health
and their family's harmony can be significantly affected by how well the
relationship fills their mutual needs.
U.S. divorce statistics suggest that
many needy, psychologically-wounded
people - with and without kids -
choose the wrong
partner, for the wrong
reasons, at the wrong
time.
When this is
true, it may not be possible to resolve significant primary-relationship problems
and avoid at least psychological divorce.
The
odds for a mutually-satisfying primary relationship rise significantly if mates
want to study and discuss key questions like those below. Part one pertains to
any primary relationship, and part two to typical stepfamily unions
(re/marriages). Both parts apply to couples who are legally married or not.
These answers assume you're familiar with...
the
intro to this nonprofit Web site and
the premises
underlying it.
Reluctance
to study and discuss these requisites suggests you may be ruled by well-meaning
false selves. If so, see
Lesson 1,
and lower your expectations about benefiting from this
article.
Q&A about Primary Relationships
These questions and brief answers are for all couples, and stepfamily couples.
Most answers include links to more detailed information. Scan all the
questions before following any links. Option - try answering each
question out loud before reading the answer.
5)
After reading
this,
I believe my partner is often ruled by
false selves. S/He denies this, and/or won't discuss it without
getting defensive, overwhelmed, or angry. What can
I do?
6) When we try to
discuss important issues, we often wind up arguing and fighting.
What can we
do?
7) I often feel my
partner doesn't want to hear me in important conversations. S/He
interrupts me, changes the subject, misunderstands, blanks out, or leaves.
What can I do?
8) I'm losing
respect for and/or
trust in my mate - what can I do?. Follow the
links and discuss what you find.
9) Our lives are so jammed that my
partner and I have little non-distracted time together.
What
can we do?
10) My mate and/or I
have an active
addiction
(including codependence). What are our
options?
11) One
of us is having a romantic/sexual affair. What
can we do?
12) I don't feelloved and/or sexually
desired by my partner. What can I do?Follow the links, and discuss what you find with your mate.
13) I'm
oftentorn between my mate and one or more other people (like a child,
parent, or sibling). What should I do?
Tailor and apply these options.
14) After we married, my
partner turned into a different person.
What can I do?
15) My mate and I constantly fight
about money-related problems, and it's weakening our relationship and
stressing our family. What can we do? See this.
16) My
partner seems listless, apathetic, and sad all the time, and isn't
snapping out of it. I'm getting worried s/he is clinically
depressed. What can we do?
Q&A
about Stepfamily
Re/marriage
Learn something
about yourself with this 1-question anonymous
poll.
If you're committed but not legally re/married, substitute "primary
relationship" for "re/marriage" in these questions and answers.
The "/" in "re/marriage" notes that it may be a stepparent's first
union.
For better perspective on these answers: first review these Q&A items about
stepfamilies. if you haven't committed yet, also read these Q&A items
about stepfamily courtship,
17) Is
stepfamilyre/marriage
different
than first marriage?
No
and yes.
18) What do mates
need to know about
stepfamily re/marriage?
19) Why
do millions
of American stepfamily
re/marriages
fail legally
or
psychologically?
21) Is there a
best way to resolve
stepfamily-re/marriage problems?
Yes!
22) My mate and I disagree on whether
we're a stepfamily or not. Should we
be concerned about this?
Yes!
23) My partner
complains I'm
too attentive to my ex mate (my kids' other bioparent). I disagree, and
feel misunderstood and judged unfairly.
What are my options?
24) My
partner ignores
me when my stepkids visit, and I'm turning into
someone I don't like. When I say how I feel, my mate denies s/he's ignoring
me, or says I'm oversensitive or "Grow
up," or we fight or avoid each other.
What can I do?
25) My partner and I can't agree on
(a)
conceiving a child together, or (b) legally adopting a stepchild. What are our
options?
26) My
ex mate is about to
re/marry. Should we mates do anything to
prepare us and the
kids? Yes!
27) My
partner wants a child to move in with us full time. I'm scared this could wreck our marriage, but
s/he disagrees. What can we do?
28) I'm getting really fed up with my
mate allowing disrespect
from an ex mate, child, or relative. How
can I get my partner to get some backbone, set some boundaries, and honor my needs?
29) My partner calls me
by his/her former partner's name,, and says "I can't help it." I need this to
stop! What can I do?
Q1) What
isa "committed
relationship" and what is "marriage"?
For initial perspective on answering these questions, scan
these Q&A items and return here.
Premises - a relationshipexists when someone feels that one or both people are
"significantly affected" by the existence, values, and/or behaviors of the
other person - locally or over time.
Relationships
form to
fill a mix of each partner's personal needs - i.e. to reduce significant
emotional, physical, and/or spiritual discomforts.
Do you agree?
Relationships can be with a living
thing or something abstract like a value (e.g. honesty), dream ("a
happy family"), or a cause (e.g. reducing poverty and hunger).
Relationships can be voluntary or required by
circumstances - e.g. a
spouse "must" have relationships with their partner's relatives, even if
they don't care about or like each other. Try sorting the relationships with
adults and kids in your life into voluntary and required. What do you notice?
Now reflect and say your definition of
commitment out loud, as tho to a
typical pre-teen. See how it compares to this opinion:
"Commitment" is a conscious decision
to invest time and energy in something (like a role, relationship, or cause)
whether it's satisfying (need-fulfilling) or uncomfortable (need-causing).
Giving consistently-high
priority to someone or something in
stressful times indicates significant
commitment.
Implication - in acommitted primary relationship, one or both partners
choose to
assign consistently high priority to maintaining their relationship
despite conflicting needs and temptations. Staying committed (" 'til death do us
part") is usually a sign that the person is guided by their
true Self.
Marriage has many
personal, social, religious, and legal meanings:
a special evolving emotional -
spiritual - physical relationship,
a personal-identity factor ("I
am married, not single"),
a state of mind ("I feel
married"),
an emotional, religious, and
legal contract,
a symbolic ritual and
personal, family, and social event,
a traditional criteria for
social normalcy;
personal and social codes of
moral conduct and values;
a social and religious
inhibition against sexual promiscuity;
an environmental protection
for developing children;
a socially-unifying
"institution,"
a personal and family status
factor, and...
a (declining) social permit
for adult intercourse and child conception.
Can you think of other
definitions of marriage and married?
Recent social tradition implies
married mates
will (a) want to maintain the primacy of
their relationship, and will (b)
love each other unconditionally "for
better and for worse."Would you agree that partners who share a clear,
conscious
definition of marriage probably increase their chance of long-term
satisfaction? Can you and your partner define it? Compare your
ideas with this:
Modern marriage
is a voluntary religious and/or spiritual, social, legal, (usually) sexual, long-term,
relationship between two independent adults.
Each partner
voluntarily commits
to the other hoping to fill a dynamic
mix of psychological, physical, mental, and spiritual
needs. A
good
or healthy marriage is one that fills enough of each partner's needs "well
enough," in their respective opinions.
For more perspective, see (a) these Q&A items on
divorce, (b) these
articles on solving
common marital problems, and (c) this perspective on
stepfamily re/marriage.
Q2)
What needs do most people try to fill
by committing to a primary partner?
A need is a psychological, physical, or spiritual
discomfort. All animal behavior and all relationships seek to
fill a mix of current primary needs. If you are orwere committed
(Q1 above) to a primary partner, can
you name the needs you each wanted to fill by co-committing? Each partner
may have a different mix and ranking of needs, tho many are the same.
Naming these needs allows you to
(a)
assess your relationship "health," and
(b) identify
significant problems (unfilled needs). Try
reflecting and writing
down the needs you feel a (or your) primary relationship aims to satisfy. Then compare
your results with
this.
Q3)What is a successful or healthy primary relationship?
Try
reflecting andsayingyour definition of a successful
or
wholistically-healthy primary
relationship
out loud. Then compare your opinion to this:
"A healthy primary relationship is…
mutually chosen by two
partners, who each...
are usually
led by their
true Selves or are intentionally progressing toward that;
and each partner is...
usually
self-aware (vs. numb, deluded, or distracted), and
each partner...
consistently
feels that their key psychological + spiritual + mental + physical
relationship-needs are
filled well enough,…
in a
way that often promotes genuine personal
healing and
growth toward manifesting (a) each partner's unique
life-purpose, and
(b) social, spiritual, and ecological harmony; while the partners
help each
other stay
balanced as they adapt to
ceaseless personal and environmental
changes."
You partners will probably update your definitions of
healthy marriageover time, as you
age, gain wisdom and perspective together, and your needs and priorities shift.
You'll be able to describe the shift if you each choose to slow down, practice awareness, and talk honestly and
empathically together...
Q4)Why do over half of recent U.S. marriages fail psychologically or
legally, and how can my mate and I guard against divorce?
After
33 years' clinical research, I propose four main reasons
for our tragic US divorce epidemic:
inherited psychological
wounds +
unawareness in one or
(usually) both
needy mates, promoting unwise
commitment and child-conception
choices; and...
typical committed couples (a) are unable to think, communicate, and
problem-solve
effectively as true partners, and (b)
they accept, and/or (c) don't know how to
improve this;
one or both mates
haven't finished grieving
major losses (broken bonds) earlier in their lives, and they don't know that
or what to do about it; and...
if
troubled couples seek effective(informed) professional help
with these problems, they often can't find any locally or in the media.
Underneath
these four surface problems is
public unawareness and denial of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle that is inexorably eroding our families and society.
This article proposes effective ways to
break
this pandemic cycle.
Q6) When we
mates try to
discuss important issues, we usually wind up arguing, fighting, or shutting
down. What can we
do?
This usually indicates (a) significant
psychological wounds in one
or both mates, plus (b) shared ignorance of effective
thinking and communicating
basics and
skills. Both
can be improved, once they're admitted (vs. denied).
Commit to helping
each other patiently progress at self-improvement
Lessons 1 and
2 together, and enjoy the results - more win-win
problem-solving, fewer
frustrations, arguments, and fights, and a more satisfying relationship.
For practical options toward
mire effective communication. read and discuss
this
article
Q7)
I often feel my partner doesn't want to hear me in important
conversations. S/He interrupts me, changes the subject, misunderstands,
blanks out, or leaves. What can I do?
The way you behave in general or in
key situations causes your partner some discomfort, but s/he
isn't telling you, so you can't
problem-solve. Option: ask your mate if you're
doing something that impedes her or his hearing you. Ask specifically what
R(espect)-message s/he usually decodes
from your behavior. Does s/he feel its
safe to answer you honestly?
Choose fromthese
options for improving communication.
Study these ideas on
analyzing and
resolving most relationship problems.
Thenreviewthese common
problems with your partner, and see if
any may be related to the non-hearing.
If these options don't fill your need to be
heard (respected) well
enough,
you may have deeper psychological and/or relationship problems. Consider
qualified professional help.
made up to three unwise
commitment choices because of your
needs, psychological
wounds, and
unawareness. As your courtship needs were satisfied, different personality
subselves have probably taken either or both of you over, causing
behavioral changes. Discuss these Q&A items
on choosing a mate
for perspective.
Accept reality:
if either of you made unwise commitment choices, you can't "undo" that.
commit to improving your communication
skills - patiently study
Lesson 2 together. As you do...
discuss and use these options for
analyzing and
resolving most relationship
problems. And...
get clear on what you can and cannot
change, and use these
wisdoms regularly.
Q16)
My partner seems listless, apathetic, and sad all the time, and isn't
snapping out of it. I'm getting worried s/he is clinically
depressed. What
can I do?
True
depression
is a neuro-chemical condition that lowers kids' and
adults' energy, motivation, and ability to enjoy life. If prolonged or
acute, these symptoms cause secondary personal and relationship
problems. Many people aren't aware thatsymptoms of normal
three-level
grieving are easily mistaken
for depression.
Typical
divorcing-family and
stepfamily adults and
kids, including close relatives, have major sets of
losses (broken bonds) to mourn,
and often came from, or live in,
''anti-grief'' settings.
If you're concerned your mate is
"depressed," study and discuss
this article for perspective and many choices.
The answers below pertain to stepfamily re/marriages. The "/" notes that it
may be a stepparent's first union). Option: scan this
playlist of YouTube videos about stepfamilies.
Q17)Is stepfamily re/marriage
different
than a first marriage?
No and yes.
Allmarriages exist to fill basic
needs, However, the
environment
around stepfamily mates differs from typical
first marriages in at least six interactive ways:
one or both partners usually has
painful life experience and many
losses (broken bonds) to mourn from prior
divorce or mate death; and...
stepfamily social status is
different - i.e. abnormal
("stepfamilies are non-traditional..."),
second-rate ("...and
somehow inferior"), and have far fewer
informed social
supports).
This nets out to:
typical
stepfamily re/marriages have more concurrent
prtoblems and a less stable and supportive environment than average first marriages.
The "/" in
re/marriage notes it may be a stepparent's first union.
Many stepfamily authors and sociologists propose that recent U.S.
re/marriages fail more often than first unions.
Your best protection starts in
courtship by heeding these danger signs
and making three informed
choices.The
next best protection is studying and discussing this online
course together.
Q18)What do typical mates need to know about
stepfamily re/marriage?
To evolve and maintain a long-term, mutually-satisfying re/marriage, I propose thattypical couples need to learn - ideally starting in courtship - that these
five hazards will probably destroy their
love and
commitment and
wound their kids
unless
each partner wants to commit to steady,
high-priority effort helping each other learn,
tailor, and work at these
7 Lessons. To gauge whether you need to work at them, take and discuss these
quizzes.
Q19)Why do millions
of American stepfamily
re/marriages fail legally or
psychologically?
After
36years' professional research and my own stepfamily experience, I believe
many (most?) U.S. stepfamily couples
call divorce attorneys or endure psychological divorce for a mix of five
reasons:
little
informed, effective help
available when stresses accumulate.
This divorce-prevention Website and
the related
guidebooks exist to explain and
illustrate these hazards and 7 self-improvement Lessons that can neutralize
them. The key to benefitting from these Lessons is mates helping each other patiently
free their
true Selves to harmonize and lead their
talented team of
personality subselves.
Q20) What can we partners
do to succeed
long term?
Commit together to patiently studying and applying
Lessons 1 thru 6 or 7 in
this non-profit Web site - specially Lesson 1 (free your true Self) and
Lesson 2 (learn to communicate effectively). Ideally, start studying
before exchanging vows and rings. Encourage all your
family adults - specially ex mates and grandparents, to study with you.
Q21)
Is there a
best way to resolve
stepfamily-re/marriage problems?
Yes!
Allpersonal and
relationship "problems" are combinations of unmet needs
(discomforts). The best way to handle stepfamily (or any social) problems is to...
help each other tailor and use these
options for analyzing and
resolving most role and relationship
problems. This includes evolving a strategy to spot and resolve these
three common stressors.
Popular alternatives to this are
allowing your
false selves to fight, blame,
argue, defer, ignore, pre-tend, intellectualize, preach, threaten,
hint, numb out, debate, explain, manipulate, give up or in, interrogate, whine,
run away, and/or collapse.
See your favorites here?
Q22)
My mate and I disagree on whether
we're a stepfamily or not. Should I/we
be concerned about this?
YES! If any of your family adults ignore or minimize
your
step-identity and/or what that identity
means, that puts your
adults and kids at high risk of...
using unrealistic biofamily
expectations in
negotiating your
stepfamily
roles and relationships, and...
These can increasingly
stress
your primary relationship. If you're
unsure whether your family adults and kids accept
your step-identity, read and discuss this
overview.
Q23)
My partner
complains I'm
too attentive to my ex mate (my kids' other bioparent). I disagree, and
feel misunderstood and judged unfairly. What are my options?
Q24)
My partner ignores
me when my stepkids visit, and I'm turning into
someone I don't like. When I say how I feel, my mate denies s/he's ignoring
me, and/or says I'm oversensitive, or "Grow
up," or we fight or avoid each other. What can I do?
Often feeling ignored
or discounted (disrespected) by your
mate when your stepkids are present suggests one or
more of these primary problems:
You've married someone who (so far)
can't genuinely give your re/marriage (i.e. your
needs) enough
priority vs. your stepkids.
If so, your primary need is for your mate to...
acknowledge this, and...
want to change his or her priorities for personal benefit, vs.
to please
you.
If s/he can't or won't,
you've probably re/married the
wrong people, and need to grieve (accept)
that and evaluate your best long-term
options; and/or...
Your mate's priorities are
significantly shaped by
guilts and shame, and s/he doesn't know how to reduce
these yet. If this is true, the real
problem is probably
inherited
psychological
wounds and
unawareness; and/or...
Your mate and/or
stepchild/ren haven't
grieved their major losses from prior divorce or death well enough, so they're not
able to
genuinely include
you yet. If they're ruled by
false selves, they may be stuck in their grieving and not know that or
what to do about it. See
Lesson 3; and/or...
asserted your
primary
needs effectively to your partner
yet, and/or...
you have, but s/he's not
hearing you (Q7);
and/or...
you haven't accepted the ex mate as a
full, legitimate
member of your stepfamily; and/or...
One or both of you mates are ignoring or dismissing your
stepfamily identity, or you accept it, but don't know what this
identity means to you and
your kids. These promote unrealistic priorities and
expectations, like
"In an
impasse, stepparents shouldn't expect their mate to value their
re/marriage over their kids." (Reality: believing this promotes
re/divorce, long term.);
and/or...
One or both of you are heeding
harmful advice ("The kids
should come first on typical visits,
and the stepparent should accept that.") from a misinformed friend or
"expert;" and/or...
You mates
haven't evolved an effective strategy for resolving stepfamily
loyalty conflicts and
relationship
triangles yet; and/or...
One or more
stepkids are instinctively forcing your mate to choose between you and them
to ease normal anxieties about (a) losing status in the family and/or (b) parental abandonment
(insecurity). This is specially likely if they have had a
low-nurturance childhood.
Bottom line - you have a
right to
feel noticed and important (respected), vs. invisible, and your mate and stepkids do
too. Your mate must acceptthat to avoid probable psychological or legal re/divorce...
s/he will
have to choose
between you and the kids over and over again. This is normal and inevitable in
typical stepfamilies - no one is wrong or bad;
long term, your relationship must come
second only to your wholistic health and integrities;.
you mates
must forge an effective loyalty-conflict
strategy as co-equal
partners - ideally starting in courtship.
This brief YouTube video offers
perspective on these conflicts:
Q25)
My partner and I can't agree on
(a)
conceiving a child together, or (b) legally adopting a stepchild. What are our
options?
This sounds like a dispute over several important
surface issues
(conceive or not, adopt or not). If so,
your first option is to
assess whether you each are
guided by a
true Self or not.
If not, make
freeing your true Selves your highest priority after your respective
wholistic healths.
Next, use
awareness, empathic
listening, and
dig-down skills to reveal what your and your partner's
primary needs are in this family context. Then see if you can negotiate
those rather than the surface issues.
Your
third option is to discuss your respective specific life
priorities, and see if you agree on them. If you disagree,
work to evolve and apply an
effective strategy for resolving major
values conflicts - as teammates, vs. opponents.
Fourth, read and discuss this article about
conceiving an "ours" child,
and/or this one about adopting
a stepchild. See if they add new perspective and options.
are clear and agreed on your personal priorities -
wholistic health and integrity first, your adult relationship second, and all
else third, except in emergencies; and you...
are practiced at
analyzing and
resolving
role and relationship problems as partners;
and you co-parents...
have an effective joint strategy for
avoiding or managing these three stressors;
and you each...
understand the
special needs of typical
stepkids, and are willing to help fill them; and all you co-parents...
How many typical stepfamily adults (and advisors) do you think could
describe each of these requisites? My experience as a veteran stepfamily
therapist and educator is - none.
Q28)
I'm getting really fed up with my
mate allowing disrespect
from an ex mate, child, or relative. How
can I get my partner to get some backbone, set some boundaries, and honor my needs?
The probable primary issues are that you're losing respect for your
partner, and you haven't found a way to change that so far. Often, loss of
respect causes loss of trust as well.
You adults have
many options:
If you have partnered with a
shame-based (wounded) person...
Q29)
My partner calls me
by his/her former partner's name, and says "I can't help it." What can I do?
One or more of these are probably true:
Yourmate (a) is ruled by a
false self and doesn't know it, or
(b) s/he isn't willing to
assess for it
and/or (c) commit to
recovering from it; and/or...
You probably don't yet know
how to help each other...
agree on who's responsible for
filling these
needs; and/or...
Your mate hasn't completed
essential
mourning of prior-relationship
losses, and/or (some subselves) still feel
strong love and
desire for their ex mate. If true, one
implication is you both probably made up to three
unwise re/marital choices;
Bottom line: if your
"name problem" significantly hurts, angers, and frustrates you and
doesn't fade away after re/wedding, your mate is probably not "the problem"
- you both are. Adopt a long-term outlook and the open mind of a student.
Then commit to helping each other
put your
true Selves
in
charge, and to patiently progress on
Lessons 1 thru 7 together.
Q30)
When should we consider
re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an effective counselor?
Note the difference between stepfamily education (information),
counseling (information and advice), and (step)family therapy
(assessing and reducing psychological wounds, etc.) From 33 years as a
stepfamily therapist, I believe all re/marrying co-parents need
stepfamily education
early in their courtship.
If committed stepfamily mates have discussed and tried these
options and are still significantly
dissatisfied in their relationship; they should seek
informed
family-system (vs. marital)
counseling or therapy. For guidelines on selecting competent
professional help, see this and
this.
If the person ignores or discounts this
education, s/he may be controlled by a
false self. If so, review these
options, follow these wise
guidelines, and
let go. If s/he
does read these articles, suggest that s/he and her/his partner study
Lessons 1 thru 7 together
before committing.
I have studied stepfamilies and re/marriage full time professionally
since 1979. The reason this educational Web site exists is partly because
of (a) the tragic U.S. divorce epidemic,
and (b) I could find no books or materials that adequately prepared
average men and women for long-lasting marriage with or without prior
kids.
The most useful resources I know are this online self-improvement
course
and these related guidebooks.
For more perspective and other authors' viewpoints, read this
article, and then see these
recommended readings.
Though useful for raising awareness, none of them
considers the compound impact of the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
and the epidemic
hazards
it causes.
This
also applies to the many well-meant Web sites that claim to
offer helpful advice to stepfamily adults ad supporters. While the sites may offer
a way to chat with other steppeople, their
advice is always
superficial and often misleading.
The Web address of this
article is http://sfhelp.org/relate/qa/marriage.htm
Background
